Working In The Underworld With Devil's Advocate

Turn Up The Lights In Here Baby. Extra Bright. I Want Y'all To See This. Turn Up The Lights In Here, Baby, You Know What I Need

2011-01-01T06:28:00.003+08:00

So...Devil and His blog survive (yet) another year.

2010 has been a year of great extremes for me.

In January, I enrolled to go back to university and do a post graduate course in photography. I don't regret making this decision at all. Over the course of the year I've seen my photography work develop (excuse the pun) and improve. The opportunities that I've gained from doing this course have been great and the people that I've met have been even better. Since taking on this extra study (despite the increase in demands of my time), I've had an increase in the amount of people asking me to do photography work for them so it hasn't been a wasted investment as far as I'm concerned.

In February, I experienced the loss of a very close and very special friend. It's been nearly a year and it still hurts to have lost him. Ironically, he was actually in my dream last night...just like how I remembered him. I miss him so much. The only solace I can gain from any of it is that I took so many photos of him before he was gone. I guess the lesson I learned was that don't hoarde away that good dinner setting or save that special cologne or hide that new outfit for a special occasion...every occasion with anyone you love is special...because you never know when that ocasion is going to be the last for you or for them.

In March, well...I can't say all that much was accomplished specifically in that month. I looked to be more of a transition / adjustment month.

In April, I adopted my new diet after some consultation with a nutritionist. In hindsight it's a pretty tough diet and although I've had a few instances where I've not been entirely strict with it all I think I'm doing ok with it. It's an EXTREMELY boring and bland diet but I think it's helped me achieve my fitness goal of reducing my body fat percentage (which I've blogged about elsewhere).

In May, I didn't really accomplish all that much except I did get to go to the symphony for the first time. Admittedly it was to hear the symphony play music from Warner Brother cartoons but still, it was my first time to a live music event so that was pretty awesome.

In June, it didn't look like I accomplished all that much but for the most part of June but I did come to the realisation that getting a formal qualification in photography from a university was a good decision. There are photogrpahers and then there are people who just take photos who call themselves a photographer. Unfortunately for most people, photogrpahy isn't just about taking a photo that looks good. There's a lot more to it than that but anyone who can afford to buy a DLSR camera (which is most people today) can also afford to call themselves a photographer - without having gained the experience, reputation or credibility to do so.

Then...5 months went by where I didn't blog. That's because I had to shut my blog down temporarily. I had to shut it down because there was a chance that my identity would have been compromised.

In November, I came back to the blogging scene. Coincidentially, I also came back to the clubbing scene...but I didn't drink. The month of November, for me, was to tie up some loose ends that I had left when I abandoned the drinking and clubbing scene. It's been a while since I caught up with all the old clubbing / drinking friends that I used to have and it amazed me to see how much had changed...and how much hadn't. I guess looking back was the only real way of knowing how far I had actually come.

In December, I finally performed my aerial silks routine that I've been working on for over a year. There's still a few improvements that I need to make to my routine but it's at the stage now where it's just a matter of practice and more practice.

And so there we have a recap of my entire year. And for the year to come? What do I hope to achieve? Well...

Completion of my photography degree and a bunch of other photography related goals which are blogged about elsewhere.
Continued reduction in my body fat percentage and other fitness related goals which are blogged about elsewhere.
The addition of a new hobby / activity to my existing list of hobbies / activities and maintenance of everything else I'm doing all at the same time. I think I'm almost at the point of maximum ability...and I'm confident in my abilities to maintain that level of phyiscality and fitness.
I guess the other thing I'd like to achieve in 2011 is to get a bit more attention / recognition for the things that I do - wether they be at work or with the photography or with the activities I'm doing. I suppose what I'm saying is that this year...I'd like to be noticed. I don't know how that's going to happen...but I'm sure something will work out.

Devil's Winamp: Rihanna and Kanye West - All Of The Lights
Devil's Mood: Contemplative

And Now I Know, There Is Nothing That I Could Not Do. Thanks To You

2010-12-19T10:30:00.005+08:00

Ok, so Devil's blogging has been largely intermitent of late...but that's because he's been busy with a lot of things. Not all of which have been bad but in fact, most of which have been amazingly great.

Since my last blog I've been involved with two event photogrpahy projects. One involving a pole dancing end of year Christmas show...where I go to meet a Cirque Du Soleil performer and the other a burlesque variety show at a night club. In both projects, it wasn't until I actually got to the events that I found out that I wasn't the only photogrpaher there. There were some MAJOR issues with the other photographers there...but I've already blogged about that (elsewhere).

I've also managed to FINALLY get my body fat to under 10%. I'm not sure if it was just a once off measurement but I did it (even if it was just for that one time). I think being able to reach that point affirmed to me that it could be done with a LOT of hard work through diet and exercise. I want to maintain just under 10% of body fat but I think with a bit more dedication I can reduce it even more before the end of 2011. I'm (tentatively) aiming at being at 6% body fat with an increase in muscle weight...but yeah...we'll see how that goes.

On Friday I had my first ever circus performance in front of an audience. It was a daunting feeling and with several of the audience members being students of the national circus institute it was even more nerve-wracking for me. I have to admit that once I started performing my routine my brain completely went on autopilot. It was an interesting feeling and (like a lot of the national circus institute students said to reassure me) everyone starts with a first performance. It was definitely something I'd like to do again though.

I also recently applied to go back to university (and was accepted). Again. While I'm still doing my photography degree. Yeah...well, here's where it gets complicted. Work has made funding available for a university degree for which they'll pay up to half of. Basically, it's a half-price degree AND I'd be getting a day off work (per week) to do that course. Now...when you add to it the two days I'm taking off work during the semester (as annual leave) to do my photogrpahy degree which basically means 3 days off per week during the semester where I get paid to go to uni and live the life of a student. Plus I'd only have to work 2 days per week and still get paid for 5. Yeah...it's a pretty sweet deal...but it's all depending on funding...which I'll find out about in January next year.

So there you have it. That's the latest of what's happening in Devil's World.

Devil's Winamp: Tyler Collins - Thanks To You
Devil's Mood: Calm / Relaxed.

In other news, the following anonymous [formspring.me] question have been asked since my last blog:

[8]
Why don't you blog any more?

There are several reasons for not blogging (as much) anymore. These reasons are:

I have a specific blog for my photogrpahy related rants / blogs / work. It's been separated from this blog because it's become such a large aspect of my life that it needs to be better positioned and because it allows me to be a bit more focused with what type of things I'm saying and where I'm saying it.
I have a specifc blog for my gym and exercise related rants / blogs / work. Similarly it's been separated from this blog because it's also become a large aspect of my life that I also need to focus on so by separating it from this (generic ranting) blog, I'll be able to focus on what's important to that aspect of my life.
I have a Facebook account. I post updates (which are basically micro-blogs) about things that are going on in my life and that are important to me at the time they occur AND it's only available to the people who I believe are important to me.
I have a select group of important people who I've been able to talk to about things. I have a select group of trusted people who have been there for me from the beginning and have seen me through the best and worst times...and have stayed by me the entire time.

So basically, it's because of all the above reasons that I don't blog (as much) anymore. I'll still update this blog from time to time...but I have no real need or urgency to do so anymore. Although, if you're interested in keeping up with what's going on in my life...then you're more than welcome to find my other blogs and/or get me on Facebook and stalk me that way.

Well I Believe It All Is Coming To An End. Oh Well, I Guess, We're Gonna Pretend, Let's See How Far We've Come. Let's See How Far We've Come

2010-11-28T20:29:00.003+08:00

Devil went out last night. Devil went out to THAT club.

Yeah...it's been a long while since I've written a blog but I've not only been busy but I've found a number of other websites that have catered to my specific blogging needs depending on what it's about. I have a blog specific for my photography work, I have a blog specific for my gym work and I have Facebook profile for my regular and daily rants or outbursts. Having all of those, I only really need this blog...for well...anything else that isn't covered in any of those areas.

Anyway, last night I went out to THAT club. Sober. It's been a LONG while since I've been there and since I've stopped drinking. I had organised with The Angel and a few others from Season One to meet up there for a nostalgic "reunion" of sorts. It was both interesting and necessary for me I think, at this point in my life. It's been a few years since I stopped drinking and it's been equally as long since I stopped going out to those kinds of night clubs (or any type of night clubs for that matter) and changed both my focus and my priorities.

I'm a different person to the one I used to be...and I think going back there last night gave me an opprotunity to see exactly how far I've come. They say at a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step. What they don't say is that if you keep stepping, you're gonna get a long way...but you just won't know exactly how far along that journey you are...and that's why I needed to go back to the start, so to speak.

It was a unique experience for me because going back there...it opened my eyes to the world that I used to live in. I saw guys dancing on podiums and thought to myself "That used to be me". I saw guys wearing tshirts that lit up in time to the music and thought you myself "I used to have a tshirt like that". I heard groups of people asking each other why one wasn't there the previous weekend and I thought to myself "That used to be me".

There were people there that I saw last night...who were still there from the days back when I used to be there. Sadly...they were still hanging around in the same circle of friends and unfortunately not much had changed for them. I did see the ex-boyfriend of Will who (at the time) was a DJ at THAT club and (at the time) looked very...well let's say "asthetically pleasing". I remember him being extremely pretentious and he had the same attitude to go with it. When I saw him last night...I couldn't help but ~~smile~~ grin. He's since lost a LOT of muscle mass...and lost a LOT of hair. Ahhh...Karma...you never cease to amuse me.

The night definitely affirmed a number of decisions I've made in my life since I chose to give up drinking and clubbing (and living the life of a rockstar / stripper) and making health or fitness related choices. I'm honestly content with how things have turned out with my life and even though I'm not 100% happy with things in my world are despite making those health and fitness related choices...but in hindsight...things could have been so much worse.

Devil's Winamp: Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come
Devil's Mood: Content / Nostalgic.

Just Gonna Stand There And Hear Me Cry? Well That's Alright Because I Love The Way You Lie

2010-06-17T18:09:00.007+08:00

Devil is flat-spinning again.

The endless questioning of questions in my head going round and round in circles.

If I wasn't so ugly, I might have been happy.

If I wasn't so fat, I might have been attractive.

If I wasn't so stupid, I might have been more successful.

If I wasn't so me, I might have been a better person.

I've had too much time to think about things and that is never a good thing.

They say that the truth will set you free...and now I'm re-thinking this whole photography course that I'm currently involved in. I thought I was getting into photography because I was searching for the truth. The truth about what...I don't know exactly...but I was hoping to find A truth. A truth about something. A truth that I was hoping would answer SOME question about me. About who I am and who I wish I could be or hope I could be.

As it turns out, in my first semester, I learned that a photo is not the truth. It is, in fact a lie. And the photographer facilitates this. Every photograph is a carefully constructed fabrication of the truth. Here I was believing that I was getting into the world of photography so that I could show people the truth of the world that I see...only to find out a photo-shopped image is just as "truthful" as an untouched image.

This realisation has shattered me and makes me question why I'm even doing this course for in the first place. Do I want to be a become a better liar? Do I want to twist and weave my own version of lies for the world to see? Do I want to warp and spin my own set of lies so I can hide amongst them all? I don't know anymore. I honestly don't know.

I don't know why I'm doing anything any more. I'm not good at anything I'm doing. My gym workouts don't appear to be working and after all this time I still have nothing to show for it. I seem to be getting progressively worse and worse at any gymnastics skills I'm attempting. I've made absolutely no progress with any rock climbing activities.

My circus skills (if you call them that) are laughable at best and I've made absolutely no progress with any of it. My swimming also remains unchanged and I haven't learnt anything new with my martial arts. The dancing is the same too. Absolutely no progress, no advancement, no anything.

I honestly wonder why I'm doing anything anymore.

I honestly wonder why I'm even trying.

I honestly don't know why.

I just wish I had a purpose in life.

A reason for existing.

Something.

Anything.

Devil's Winamp: Eminem Feat. Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie
Devil's Mood: Drowning.

Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi

2010-06-09T22:27:00.005+08:00

So another few weeks have passed since Devil's last blog, but hopefully His blogging should be back to a somewhat semi-regular posting...of sorts.

Anyway, since my last blog...not too much has happened to be quite honest.

I've finished with classes for the semester and just sat my one and only exam yesterday. I did some calculations and if I get a grand total of 0 for the exam in my photoshop unit, I'll have an overall total of 51%...which isn't too bad considering that there is no chance that I'm getting a 0 in the exam.

As for my practical photography class (in which I had to use film), there's no exam so the entirely of the marks come from the assignments that we've had throughout the semester.

Over the course of 12 weeks, I've manged to become very close friends with 3 other students and to be quite honest, I've grown quite attached to them. Even though we're all doing different units next semester, I have no doubt that we'll continue to keep in contact.

For me, personally, this photography course...although an arts degree has taught me a lot about life and the people I know...and the people I knew. The 3 students that I met this semester...they're the kind of people who will always remain a part of your life. Even though we're all doing a photography course together and will ultimately be considered "competitors" within the industry, it won't be like that amongst the 4 of us. They are truly some amazing and inspiring people and I'm proud to have met them this semester. I'm hoping that next semester I'll be able to meet at least 1 person who's at that standard.

On the topic of photography "competitors", I've noticed (particularly on Facebook) that a lot of my friends and associates have started their own photography business. Admittedly it's all good and well to do so however it concerns me that anyone who's got the funds to buy a DSLR camera can open up their own photography business without any experience, qualifications or both.

Now, perhaps I'm being a photography snob about it...but that would be one of the first thing I'd be asking if I was hiring a photographer. Yes you can have a world of experience behind you...but formal recognition of that experience which meets minimum standards can't be disputed. It annoys me now when I see their photography business pop up on my news feed and seeing their photos make me cringe.

Maybe I've become smarter and wiser (or just more judgemental) in my views of the world but people shouldn't really try to be a photographer if they have no idea as to what's involved with being one. Simply being able to take a photo and post it up onto the internet doesn't make you a photographer...and it annoys me that (1) there are so many people out there that do that...and (2) that I used to be one of those people...but then again...I did something about it.

Basically...if you've bought yourself a DSLR...and have started your own photography business or call yourself a photographer...you are a douchebag. Seriously. I hate you.

In work related news, there's been some major changes at the satellite office where I work and as of today I have now relocated to an office of my own. Ok, technically it's not an office of my own. I have to share it with another researcher...but the point is, I've got a window (two as a matter of fact) and a door!!

In social news, despite it being only the first week in June, almost all of my weekend time slots have been booked up. I've had to extend my social times to lunch times on Saturdays and dinner times on Sundays now as well just to accommodate for the demand...but then, such is the price you pay for popularity.

Oh...and the song in my winamp...it's a song that photographers would understand the meaning and significance of. Unfortunately, if you don't understand it...you're not a photographer. It's as simple as that.

Devil's Winamp: Kylie Minogue - Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi
Devil's Mood: Photographically Annoyed

In other news, the following anonymous [formspring.me] question have been asked since my last blog:

[6]
Q: Why the fuck can't I seem to update my blog?

A: Well, considering that you're asking that question on my blog...it would probably be because you're trying to update MY blog and not yours. So in order to answer your question as to why you can't update you're blog, it's probably because you're a retarded fuckwit.

[7]
Q: Fuck the devil.

A: That's not a question. It's a statement. But thank you for your suggestion none-the-less.

Her Voice Has Echoed In My Mind. I Count The Days Till She Is Mine. I Can't Tell My Friends Coz They Will Laugh. I Love A Member Of The Staff

2010-05-27T22:26:00.004+08:00

So where we? Well...when Devil last left His blog there was a lot going on. Guess what. Not much has changed.

I've finally finished all my university assignments and admittedly, I'm both surprised and sad that the semester is over. Speaking from [academic] experience (and I have a lot of this kind of experience), I've had a fantastic time at the university.

The things I've learnt and the people I've learnt it with. I just find it hard to believe that the semester is over. Despite all the dramas I've had using a film camera, in hindsight, I've enjoyed the learning experience and the experience of being around other intelligent people in an academic environment.

Of all the past degrees and qualifications that I've gained (to date), this course has been the most enjoyable. Admittedly, it's my first "arts" degree but I have no pressure to have get a job at the end of it all because I already have a job. This degree has been purely for the enjoyment of learning...and I've loved every minute of it. Ok...every minute except all the times that I was having dramas with the 35mm camera and film. Other than that, I've loved every minute of the course...and I'm sad it's over.

I'm also sad that I'm no longer going to see the hot tutor. Sigh. She's so amazingly beautiful and she looks like a mix of Jennifer Garner, Angelia Jolie and the Pink Power Ranger. Sigh. She's smart and sexy and intelligent and definitely sassy. She's a girl with a bit of attitude but at the same time, she's classy and stylish. Sigh. As far as I'm concerned she's the perfect woman...but in that same instance...because she's so perfect, she's way out of my league. Way WAY out of my league. Sigh.

Conversely though, I'm looking forwards to what I'm going to be learning next semester. Next semester I'll be learning in a purely digital environment (yay!) and all within a studio with controlled lighting and background (yay!).

This Saturday night I'm also attending "Bugs Bunny At The Symphony" with a few of my close friends for a classy night out. I've never been to the symphony before...but I've watched a lot of cartoons...but the combination of the two...I'm really looking forwards to it.

Anyway...I should start studying for my ONLY exam this semester.

Yay for me!

Devil's Winamp: Busted - That's What I Go To School For
Devil's Mood : Tired / Studious / Busy

Lucky On The Second Try. The Time The Time Won't Pass Me By

2010-05-14T21:58:00.003+08:00

Devil has updated his blog now. Finally.

Yeah...I know it's been a little while since I've updated my blog but I've been busy. Yeah...I know, I'm always busy but guess what...that's the life of a Devil's Advocate.

Now...because so much time has lapsed since my last blog post, I'm gonna spare everyone the hassle of having to read too much and just post points of the major events that have occurred.

So...here we go:

I've revised my target goals for the year and I'm hoping that by the end of the year I'll have a weight of 60kg with a body fat of 6%. It's going to be an interesting journey to get there...but I think I can do it if I stay dedicated enough and have the right people around me (and I know I do).

Work has been starting to piss me off more and more and my short temper and bad attitude is making more and more of a regular appearance. Having said that though...it's not all necessarily a bad thing. I mean, tell me...in what other job could your boss' boss come in and ask you to do something...and you tell them to "fuck off"? I can't think of any where you could do that...and STILL be held in high regard.

And on that note, all the researchers from the satellite offices were all called together with the researchers from The Centre for a information / training session...and once again, yours truly was the standout amongst them all. The training session required the presentation of some work that was done in the groups. Some groups panicked about what they were going to say and how they were going to say it. The group I was in also started to panic...but when I told them that I would take care of the presentation they relaxed a little bit...until it came time to actually give the presentation and they realised that I hadn't actually written anything down. The look of panic on their faces was QUITE amusing and admittedly I had to try to stop myself from laughing when they realised I was giving a presentation on-the-fly. What can I say...all I was doing was holding myself to my reputation of being slightly odd and eccentric, a risk taker, a quick thinker...and that I love an audience. All in all though....when I wouldn't be lying if I said that my presentation was one of the best.

Today we had a test at the university for my photography class. I haven't really had the time to study too much...so I was only able to revise for about an hour or so...in total. The first time I actually opened the book that we were supposed to be reading throughout the semester was last night while I was ~~studying~~ cramming. As it turns out, I scored 27 out of a possible 30. Not bad considering that the only real preparation that I did for the test was to find a pen and bring it to class (yeah...I have a habit of not even bringing a pen to class or taking any notes).

The photos that I've submitted for my assignments have gained a bit of a 'reputation' with my lecturer. My style of photography is somewhat "observational" and although the structure and composition is good, I seem to be lacking in the ability to "relate" with the subject / subject matter and convey a clear meaning. It's given me some grief and as one of the girls so bluntly put it: "Just get over it and do it, you'll surprise yourself.

Anyway...that's all I've really got time for right now. I've got an assignment that I need to do...and another weekend to prepare for. Hopefully, I should be back to regular posting. Not that anyone actually reads this anyway.

Devil's Winamp: Hall & Oates - Time Won't Pass Me By
Devil's Mood : Tired / Busy

You Grieve. You learn. You Choke. You Learn. You Laugh. You Learn. You Choose. You Learn. You Pray. You Learn. You Ask. You Learn. You Live. You learn

2010-04-11T10:24:00.004+08:00

In the last week since Devil's last blog there's been only a few events that He believes to be blogworthy:

I've found a gym that has boxing (for fitness) available on a Monday evening which fits in perfectly with my current schedule of activities. Admittedly it's starting to get a bit crowded but with some effective time management and strict guidelines, I can still do it all and try to live as full a life as I possibly can. I'm not sure how it's all going to work next semester when my class times change at university...but I'll deal with that when it comes.

University life is progressing at a reasonable pace. I can't believe that it's half way through the semester already and as far as the work / study life balance is concerned, I think I've managed to get the best of both worlds. Admittedly, it's a bit more difficult when the only time that I have available to do university related work is outside of standard working hours (during which time I have all my training on anyway) but I'm enjoying the challenge of having to actually find that balance.

On the subject of university progress, I have successfully managed to develop film. Several rolls of film in fact. I'm not particularly a fan of having to wait for the film to be developed but that's because I'm not patient (at all) but seeing the final negatives and then having to actually produce the test strips and proof sheets on photographic paper with the light projection equipment...it's a REALLY interesting process. I really enjoyed having to look at the film on the light table and reviewing the proof sheets on a piece of paper. Looking through the proof sheets, I'm actually really happy with how some of the photos have turned out and there's at least 6 photos that I'll be enlarging which I'll then need to review before submitting a final 2 for my assignment portfolio. All I need to do now is get to the university some time this week then print and develop my final photos...all before Friday.

The photos that I've taken on the film camera, admittedly, I am really proud of. Unlike a digital camera, you don't get any feedback or image to review after you've taken the photo. This means that every photo that you take needs to be set up properly in terms of structure, lighting, lens selection, focus and depth of field. With film you don't have the luxury of being able to delete bad photos or photo shop 'reasonable' ones. With film, either you get it right...or you don't. Funnily enough, almost all the photos that I took appear to have been set up perfectly (at least...according to the proof sheets). I'll have to actually enlarge them to print size to see any mistakes I've made. And therein lies the beauty of film...and learning it at university. Every step of this process, from lens and film selection, to the usage of lighting and focus and depth of field, to the development and film processing, to the final image print, any mistakes that I've made along the way, I now know what I've done wrong and how the mistake as occurred...and it's all been extremely valuable to me when I'm using digital camera because I now understand the underlying processes and can use them to my advantage.

While I was in the chemical labs developing my film, one of the photography senior lecturers and photographic technicians were present and the conversation turned to film photography versus digital photography. Unsurprisingly, they verbalised a lot of things that I had known and affirmed a lot of other things for me as well. Some of these points included the fact that the photography industry is not regulated so anyone who can afford to buy a DSLR camera, print off a few business cards and HTML themselves a website can instantly call themselves a photographer. Regardless how much experience a person might have or how much of a "photographic eye" they my believe they have...nothing compares to having some kind of formal qualification. It is for this reason that you should ALWAYS find out if the photographer you're hiring has a formal qualification. If the answer is no, then keep looking. If you want to take the risk with someone who isn't qualified so be it...but they're your photos and ultimately...the responsibility falls on you.

On a similar subject, over the Easter long weekend I ended up attending a minion [family] gathering where my perfect cousin was in attendance. This is the same cousin who I offered to take photos of her child's christening but was flatly refused. Anyway...the point of the matter is, I took a couple of photos of her son as a bit of practice. I've shown her the photos and she's been absolutely blown away by them and now wants to pay me for the photos and was asking what my rates and charges are. She also told me about her recent bad experiences with a professional photography agency who spent 45 minutes taking photos and only ended up with one good photo...where as I spent 5 minutes taking photos and ended up with 6 (two of which have now been included in my portfolio).

Through my network of contacts, I've also found out about a pole dancing studio that's offering a one off workshop class to guys this Saturday. It's been something that I've been wanting to do for a very long time and now I'll finally get the opportunity to give it a go. From what one of the instructors there have said to me, they're running it as a 'trial' class to gauge interest to see if it would be feasible to run on an ongoing basis. I'm hoping it will be...but regardless, I'm really looking forwards to this one off class.

I'm still on the diet that's been set by my nutritionist and (personally) I'd like to think it's been having an effect but it's still hard to say if it is or it isn't. After a bit of communication within the online fitness community, I now realise that the original goal of having less than 10% body fat was still somewhat generic and that I needed to stipulate the goal weight that I wanted to achieve as well. Therefore, my fitness goal is to achieve a weight of 60kg with a body fat percentage of 6% (or less) before the end of the year. Hopefully I've given myself adequate time to achieve it...and hopefully I won't be embarrassed to wear a singlet if I go out in public.

In recent nights I've had trouble sleeping and it's because I've been having dreams about my little friend who passed away recently. I don't understand why I'm having these dreams or what purpose they could possibly serve...but it hurts me as if it were only yesterday. I guess I'm not entirely over it but I'm trying to.

Devil's Winamp: Alanis Morissett - You Learn
Devil's Mood: Busy / Sad

So Keep On A-Eating. Oh, Keep On A-Eating Keep On Eating, Baby. Till You Get Enough

2010-04-02T11:55:00.006+08:00

Devil is currently on a diet. A diet He's comitted to...but at the same time, a diet that's pissing Him off.

Well it's been almost 3 weeks since I've been on this ~~diet~~ eating plan that I got given by the nutritionist. To be perfectly honest, it feels like it's been longer. It's extremely restrictive and very strict and I've still got nothing to really show for it. I realise now that trying to lose body fat and gain muscle definition isn't going to work for me because I don't have any muscle to define in
the first place.

I have to eat the prescribed thing at the appropriate time and to be quite honest, 95% of the stuff I'm eating lacks flavour. I can understand how so many people would give up after a month of being on a diet like this. I've contemplated giving up on it so many times myself but I have to keep on going. The absolute disgust I feel when I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror far outweighs the prospect of me quitting this diet.

I guess the food I'm eating is extremely healthy and of high nutritional value so it can't be all that bad. I guess I'll get used to it eventually and my body will start losing body fat. At least, I'm hoping so anyway.

I've also come up with another method of both saving some money creating an additional income source. It's going to take a bit of work to set up initially but once that's done it should take care of itself. I realised that in the last 2 weeks I spent a considerable amount of money (like an entire fortnight pays worth of money). Some of this money has been spent on photography related stuff like getting my lens cleaned ($99!).

By setting up this additional source of income, any money generated will be specifically set aside for photography related stuff like maintenance, repairs or even some new lenses. Basically, I'm hoping that my photography will generate it's own income but as the saying goes, you have to have money to make money.

Ironic really.

Devil's Winamp: Mempis Minnie - Keep On Eating
Devil's Mood: Dieting / Fed up

In other news, the following anonymous [formspring.me] question have been asked since my last blog:

[5]
Q: From a nutritional standpoint, which is better for you? Potatoes or white rice?

A: It's the lesser of two evils with either of these...but I'm going to go with white rice. I'm only giving my inexperienced and unqualified opinion on this...but you have the internet and you have Google so go ahead and find the answer for yourself.

I Want To Shoot The Whole Day Down

2010-03-24T22:05:00.003+08:00

Ugh. Things just do not seem to be going right for Devil.

Things have been going from bad to worse with my photography course. The digital aspects of it were going fine...but the film aspects were getting seriously fucked up. The first time I used the film camera, I got to the end of the film reel and started to wind up the film..only to have the film tear inside the camera. The film got destroyed.

Ok, I thought I'd learn from that mistake and be more gentle and careful with the film the second time around. The next time I hired a film camera from the university...it ended up being faulty and I to wait for an hour and a half while they got me a replacement. Luckily for me I was on campus at the time I realised that the camera was fucked.

So I managed to take some photos with the film camera...and managed to wind up the film properly and there were no problems at all...until I went into the dark room to get the film out of the film reel and into the processing tanks...to find that that film had torn INSIDE THE FUCKING FILM REEL!!

At about this time, the heavens opened up and unleashed a torrential downpour. I kid you not. It was as if me asking the question of "What else can possibly go fucking wrong?" was a challenge...and of course, Murphy's Law dictates that what can go wrong...will go wrong. The lower levels of the university building (which houses both the IT courses and photography dark rooms) got flooded...so there was no chance in hell that I would have been able to salvage anything from the (already) ruined film that I had.

Fan-fucking-tastic. I'm 4 weeks into this photography course...and I still have nothing to show for it...when everyone else has fully processed negative strips and proof sheets. Ugh.

Ok...so it would appear that pretty much everyone I know is having a completely shitty week...that was made shittier by the massive storm and flash flooding that occurred earlier in the week. It was quite amazing and I have to admit, even I was a bit worried about how much water was flowing down the main streets.

There was enough damage caused by rain, hail and flooding that a state of emergency was declared. Which was interesting because I've never actually been part of any natural disaster before. Plenty of regular disasters...most of them have been ones I've been responsible for...but definitely not natural ones...well...this one kinda was I guess.

On the upside though...my photography course has put me in contact with a lot of new people who are and will be big players in the photography industry in the state. It's not a bad thing...but the power of having a massive network is always an advantage.

I also recently went out for a photo-shoot too. I'm not going to go into the details of the photo-shoot due to a previous betrayal incident and a misplacement of trust. Suffice to say that there were some amazing photos taken and I'm happy with several of them. On the downside...my lens is now a bit dirty / gritty and I need to get it professionally cleaned...which is going to cost a fair amount of money.

On the topic of money...the stuff seems to be evaporating before I can even get it out of an ATM. Usually I don't have a problem with paying for things...but in the last week or so it seems like all my major bills and expenses are coming in at once and my finances are taking a severe beating. I can afford to pay for everything (which I'm thankful for)...I'm just not comfortable with the idea of having to part with so much of it in such a short time frame.

So anyway...in summary, I've have a pretty shitty week.

Devil's Winamp: Boomtown Rats - I Don't Like Mondays
Devil's Mood: Annoyed / Pissed Off

In other news, the following anonymous [formspring.me] question have been asked since my last blog:

[4]
Q: Do you think you could hit a 10 on ? I think you're really really cute and could get there in like a day...but do you think you could? I'm on there see if you can find me ;)

A: No, I don't think I could hit a 10. Stupid spammer fucktard bot. Sadly though...you were the only one that actually asked me a question.

C’mon Walk The Walk. Shake It To The Bone. A Little Hot To Hold. I Better Take Control

2010-03-12T22:32:00.003+08:00

Ok readers, here's a quick update on what's happening in Devil's life.

Since my last blog:

I've enlisted the help of a nutritionist to help me lost some body fat. It's been almost a week now since I've been on this diet and I can't really say if it's had any impact on my loss of body fat but it looks to be far more balanced, far more healthy and far more nutritionally valuable than any diet I could have tried to come up with. The meals are regular and although they don't look like much, they keep me fuelled up for any and all of the activities that I do. Admittedly, I'm a bit disappointed that there's been no loss in body fat but on the upside, I can eat as much of it as I like (in the right proportions) and it doesn't make me feel like I'm fat.

I've made a couple of new contacts at the university. Ok, technically I've only made 1 new contact. The remaining contacts I already knew prior to attending any classes but it's just a measure of how many people I know. Admittedly I'm using those contacts to branch out to make new contacts and I'm finding it both interesting and challenging to meet new people. It also helps me refine the ancient art of conversation.

Classes are going pretty well and although I don't have one of the text books (still), I'm getting a handle on things and the actual course itself isn't that difficult. The only problems have been dealing with the university administration who seem to love fucking things up randomly. Anyway...I think all my administration stuff has been finalised and I can actually get on with doing the course.

I attended a yoga class with The Matrix earlier in the week. I've been wanting to take up yoga for some time now and I finally found a class that was on at a suitable time that wouldn't clash with anything else already in my schedule. Anyway...the class was not what I expected it to be. The style "Hatha" yoga is definitely not for me. It was far too "passive" for me and the fact that I didn't even break out into a sweat indicated to me that it was far below my skill level. I've spent the remainder of the week trying to find another style of yoga...at the same time...at a different (but convenient) location. It's been proving...challenging...but I think I might have found one with the assistance of The Matrix. I'll have to wait until Monday to try it out though. As a side note...I'm also looking at maybe taking up boxing classes too. Just for the hell of it.

My weekends are STILL remaining extremely busy (and I like that). I had a really great weekend "in" last weekend where I got to just bum around and cook a nice dinner and just chill out. Don't get me wrong, I love getting out and about on the weekends and socialising but there are occasions when I just need some down-time and I guess when I do get the opportunity to have a night in and just watch DVDs or play games...I guess it makes them all the more valuable to me.

Devil's Winamp: Spoon, Harris & Obernik - Baditude
Devil's Mood: Stable

In other news, the following anonymous [formspring.me] question have been asked since my last blog:

[3]
Q: Why do you not allow comments on your blog?

A: I don't allow comments for a couple of reasons:

(1) because I don't want / need the any help or support or sympathy of readers when something turns to shit in my life. I've learnt to rely on myself because a true test of character is the strength that a person can find within themselves. I loathe those bull-shit supportive comments like: "You’re not alone. Millions of us out here go through similar thoughts and feelings." or "its alright to let those thoughts through but you have the power to set yourself free from some of these fears. i’ve been there on some days too. hope you find your way again soon!" They seriously piss me off. No, you do not know the circumstances of my life and the events within it. No, you do not know my personal history. No, you are not getting the full picture, you're getting a Devil-ised perspective on the world that I'm living in.

(2) Because, on the rare occasion when I might have a lapse in my judgement and WANT to have approval from random readers who know nothing about my life...and I still have 0 comments after a week and a half...that just depresses me. Almost to the extent of wanting to commit social suicide and become an accountant.

In short...comments on my blog serve no purpose to me and lets me honest. It's all about me. If people have something to say to me, there are numerous other ways they can get that message to me other than comments on my blog.

How Did You Know To Get Out Of A World Gone Mad? Help Me! Help Me Let Go! Of The Chaos Around Me. The Devil That Hounds Me. I Need You To Tell Me

2010-03-02T20:45:00.003+08:00

So once again, it's that time again when The Universe opens up and unleashes it's brutality on Devil despite everything that He's worked so hard to try and achieve.

Motorcycle's in the parking lot.
Revving their engines and it just wont stop.
Matches the noise screaming in my head.
Houston I think we got a problem.

In recent days it's become more and more apparent that I'm not good at anything. It's one thing to be filled with self doubt with things like that...it's another for other people to remove all doubt and confirm it for you. It's not exactly a great feeling I can assure you.

There were several circumstances that led me to this conclusion but it's become apparent that all the things I do...I'm no good at any of them. I'm just "average"....if I put in 110% effort. Nothing has ever come easy and despite the impression that I try to give, no one actually witnesses the hard work, time and energy in trying to get whatever achievement I can make...which is negligible in comparison to anyone else.

Where does everybody go when they go?
They go so fast I don't think they know.
We hate so fast and we love too slow.
London I think we got a problem.

In a way, it's a sick achievement for me to actually wake up in the morning because there's been many a night when I've contemplated taking measures so that I don't. I honestly don't know why I even try to do the things I do. All the activities...I never thought I was that good at any of them and as it turns out, there are other people that agree with that statement.

It's like my attempt to lose weight. What a failure I am at that. One of the girls at work who's been away on sick leave (for the last 3 months) due to a knee operation came back to work today and the first thing she said to me is that I looked like I had gained weight and gotten fatter. After all the blood and sweat that I've lost in the gym, not to mention everything else I've been trying to do...I've gotten fatter. I've been trying to stick to a diet for a fair while now (at least the last 3 months) but obviously that's not been going according to what I thought was happening in my head.

When she said that to me, it literally made me feel sick. Not because of anything I ate but because it felt like, after all this time and after all this effort that I've put in to TRYING to change my body for the better...it's been going in the opposite direction and making things worse than what I started with. Some personal trainer I turned out to be.

And when I think about it.
I just can't think about it.
I try to drink about it.
I keep spinning.

This is why I never fit in with the other personal trainers on the course and it's the same reason why I could never be successful as a personal trainer. Who would want a personal trainer who couldn't even do to himself what he's trying to do to other people. What a fitness hypocrite I turned out to be.

My only saving grace in this situation is that I've recently (i.e. yesterday) enlisted the services of a nutritionist who (I'm ~~praying~~ hoping) will be able to help me lose the excessive amount of weight that I've gained in the last few weeks, months and years. I'm desperate to lose the excess weight and I'm again contemplating surgery. I'm also contemplating cosmetic surgery to fix the way I look too.

All the activities that I do and all the time I've spent doing them...I still don't have a body that would suggest that I do any of those things. I still look like a younger version of Don Vito and it makes me want to cry when I see myself in the mirror. It makes me want to vomit when people take photos of me because the camera shows you the reality of the world...and the reality is that I'm not even close to good looking or attractive. I'm not even close to average looking for that matter.

There are days when I'm ashamed to go out in public because of the way I look. There are days I wished that I didn't exist so I didn't have to inflict my ugliness on other people. I sometimes go to sleep wondering how much better the world would be if I didn't exist. I sometimes go to sleep thinking about everyone I know and how much happier their lives would be if I didn't exist. Sometimes I go to sleep wishing that it was real.

How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me let go!
Of the chaos around me.
The devil that hounds me.
I need you to tell me.

On top of it all, I've also been issued with a speeding fine. I know I'm responsible for my own actions and the fine is a consequence of that action...it's just the timing of it all. It could only be Karma behind it all. It's going to cost me $150 to pay it off...and I was only going 10km over the speed limit.

But for that they have gotta pay.
If that don't kill you then the side effects will.
If we don't kill each other then the side effects will.
Cape Town I think we got a problem.

This song...for some reason...has been helping me. I don't know but it just has. I don't know if there's something underlying in the lyrics or if there's some hidden intention or emotion in the music or lyrics...but it connects with me...and in it's own way...it's holding me back from the edge.

If the darkest hour comes before the light,
Where is the light?
Where is the light?

Devil's Winamp: Pink - Ave Maria
Devil's Mood: Sickened / Embarrassed / Disgusted / Fugly

Sometimes It's Not So Easy To Be The Teachers Pet. Temptation, Frustration. So Bad It Makes Him Cry

2010-02-26T15:40:00.005+08:00

And so concludes Devil's first week at university...again...for the third time.

This time 'round though, I'm (trying to stay) focused on the social aspects of university life. The first time I went to university, I wasn't there for me and I ended up walking away with a degree for something I hated. The second time around, I had a great time and what I was learning in theory at the university I was applying in practice at work...which ended up flowing on into the national conferences and what-not. This time...I want to work on my social network.

Admittedly, the course I'm doing is comprised of a number of "communications" based units so it would only be in keeping with the ethos of the course that I'm doing.

As it turns out (because of my popularity no doubt) I'm only at the university for 6 hours a week...and I've already run into 3 people that I've met outside of university life. It's not a bad thing...I just find it amusing and thinking about it always makes me smile. It just means that I have an established network that I can build on from there.

In terms of my classes...they're a bit...full on.

In my photography unit, we're starting from scratch which means that we're starting from the basic of basics. The fundamentals of photography...film. Yeah...we're taking photos with film cameras then developing and printing the film ourselves. I can't say that I'm comfortable with the concept...but after the lecturer explained the reasoning why...I can understand the purpose but that doesn't mean I like the idea any more than I did at the beginning.

The class is pretty interesting overall though. We were learning about the construction and deconstruction of images and were doing an in class analysis of famous photographs of people in history. One of the photographs was this one. When the lecturer asked if anyone knew who it was, I said "Wolverine". As it turns out...it's not...but at least I know now.

In my digital media class, the lecturer is kinda cool in his own 'artistic' kind of way. He came to his first lecture with his jeans rolled up above his converse high-tops. He looked like he belonged in the Grease movie. He was fairly young looking (for a lecturer) and had a youthful energy about him. The lecture itself was relatively uneventful.

The corresponding practical class on the other hand...well...on the down-side, we have to use Apple Mac computers, which I hate because they're for people who want to appear to be artistic without actually having any talent but make up for it with pretentiousness. On the up-side...the tutor is amazingly HOT!!

She looks a bit like Amy Jo Johnson (of Power Rangers fame) and Jennifer Garner (of Alias fame). Both have very similar characteristics and not only does the tutor look like them...but she's smart and pretty successful (in her own right) as well. She's recorded on the university staff system as a "Miss" which potentially means she's unattached which gives me hope...but at the same time, she is WAY out of my league. Like way, way, WAY out of my league.

She smelled good too.

Anyway, the tutor is EXTREMELY hot and I actually considered failing the unit on purpose just so that I could be in her class again...but then I thought about how much money it would cost me to actually do that...and I figured I'll pass the unit the first time. Besides, I hardly think she'd be attracted to a failure. Not that I'd have any chance in the first place...but I can dream.

And so concludes my first week (back) at university. Now, I have to go download all the lecture notes and start working on the first assignment...which is due in three weeks.

In other news, the following anonymous [formspring.me] questions have been asked since my last blog:

[1]
Q: Did the torch catch fire in the end?

A: No, it did not catch fire in the end. If you actually read the blog properly the first time around I actually write: "...and was trying to figure out a way I could get it to catch fire in the class room." Had I been able to actually get it to catch on fire I would have said "...and I figured out a way to get the torch to catch fire in the class room." Please read through the blog properly in the first place before asking questions.

[2]
Q: I'm tempted to ask about your turtle (or the feeding thereof), but I already know all that, don't I.

A: Yes. You do. Furthermore, please be aware that this was not an actual question but rather a statement of fact and you've wasted your time writing it and my time reading and responding to it.

So...if anyone else has any other questions...feel free to ask me!

Devil's Winamp: The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me
Devil's Mood: Social / Academic

I'm Standing Here. But I'm On My Way. Searching To Find An Answer. I'm Standing Here. But It's All The Same. And I'm Running Out Of Patience

2010-02-20T09:46:00.005+08:00

On Thursday evening Devil went to the university as part of the "induction / orientation" program that they had available...and within the first 10 minutes the lecturers and the class that He was in had already pissed Him off and He wanted to walk out.

It pissed me off that a large proportion of the class that I was in was comprised of [A] people who didn't speak English as a first language (and just sat there not knowing what the hell was going on), [B] people who were somewhat old and really hadn't any experience within a university environment (and were therefore asking stupid and retarded questions that if they actually listened to what was being said in the first place, they would have got the answers for) or [C] a combination of [A] and [B].

Ugh, my patience with the above categories was wearing REALLY thin and when the lecturer went to each and every person asking what their specialisation was...and then telling them who the coordinator was...I wanted to punch her out. Ok...fair enough they had time to kill but when the 8th person who is doing the SAME specialisation as the 7 people that were asked before...I think they would have all got the point as to who the coordinator would be!!

It was a total waste of time for me and to be honest, I didn't learn anything at all in that induction. I was distracted by the cheap novelty torch that was given in the 'gift bag' and was trying to figure out a way I could get it to catch fire in the class room. One of the international students (from Japan) attempted to introduce himself to me. His "English" name was "Mince".

I didn't speak to him any more after that. Don't get me wrong...I don't have (too much of) a problem with international students but I can't associate with someone who's name is "Mince". I wouldn't have cared if his actual Japanese name was something like "Teriyaki Wasabi", I could have dealt with that...but "Mince"...yeah...sorry...no. Get away from me.

I'm looking forward to starting the learning process...and I'm hoping that the people in my actual classes are a lot younger, can speak English and have proper names (or at least cool ones). I'll soon find out though. My first lecture goes for an hour on Thursday evening next week. Yeah...I have to be at university for only 1 hour. Lame. On the following day though (Friday) I get to spend all day on campus, like a university student should...whilst getting paid by SETEC to have the day off, like a specialist researcher should.

I'd also just like to quickly announce that I've now got a "Formspring.me" account. [The question form is on the right-hand column of the page]. Basically, it's a function (similar to Twitter) but you can ask questions of me either by logging in so I know who you are or asking me anonymously.

I don't expect a lot of questions to be asked because of the simple fact that this blog doesn't get a lot of traffic...but at least it's there if anyone happens to have a question that they want asked.

Devil's Winamp: Linkin Park - My Reason
Devil's Mood: Hectic / Impatient / Annoyed / Intolerant

And I Miss You, Like The Deserts Miss The Rain

2010-02-16T22:16:00.004+08:00

Devil hasn't updated for a while because He's been busy...and because He's had a lot of things on His mind.

I just wish that everything would settle down so I can regain some normality and structure in my life once again...but that won't be happening until the end of the month.

Unfortunately I'm right in the middle of annual boot camp weekend and this year they've decided to split it over two weekends...which has both advantages and disadvantages. One of the major disadvantages is the food that I've been eating. It's not been entirely healthy or nutritionally sound and I'm really looking forward to getting back on track with my diet.

I'm committed to working hard to reducing my body fat...and with the help of a nutritionist friend of mine, I think I can get my body fat down to single digits by the end of the year. Well...at least that's what I'm going to try for and I'm going to work damn hard to get it.

I hate being fat.

Work has been extremely hectic too. Being a specialist has it's downside too. Sometimes they absolutely can't do without you...and I get tired of using that for my own gains. I sometimes pity my managers / bosses who try so hard to get me to do the work that they want...and I still refuse to do it until they're able to justify it to me.

And I still miss my little friend.

It's been 3 weeks since his passing...and it still hurts.

Devil's Winamp: Everything But The Girl - Missing
Devil's Mood: Sad / Overweight / Hectic

The Trees That Whisper In The Evening. Carried Away By A Moonlight Shadow. Sing A Song Of Sorrow And Grieving. Carried Away By A Moonlight Shadow

2010-02-03T19:38:00.002+08:00

This evening, ripples were sent through Devil's world and He's still trying to cope with the after effects of it all.

A close family member passed away this evening aged 13 years, due to ill health and further complications. It wasn't a particularly sudden death and we knew it was a matter of being sooner rather than later...but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Death never is.

I can't help but wonder if I had done something different or if someone else had done something different, they would still be alive now. I guess such is the nature of life, death and those that the deceased leave behind.

If it's any consolation though, they passed away peacefully and no longer has to endure any hardships like loss of appetite and breathing difficulties that they were experiencing in the last few weeks. I'm saddened that they've left this world...but at the same time I'm feeling relieved because they're no longer suffering.

Regardless: I will always love you my little friend and you will be dearly missed.

Devil's Winamp: Mike Oldfield - Moonlight Shadow
Devil's Mood: Sad / Heart-broken / Grieving

Maybe If We Are Surrounded In Beauty. Someday, We Will Become What We See

2010-01-27T22:09:00.005+08:00

Devil spent some time today going through the units that are available in the course that He's going to be starting this semester at university.

Several of the units have got my attention in the sense that what I'll be able to do upon completion...is generate photos that are at a standard suitable for advertising and marketing campaigns. Basically, I'm going to be one of the people that creates images that people think are beautiful...containing photos of people...who are beautiful.

It only clicked with me today that I'm probably doing this course for the same reason that I did my personal trainers course. I could never look attractive like the guys you see in a gym so I did what I do best and became the person who helps them look even more attractive. With this photography degree, I won't ever be a model but I'll become the person who makes them look even more attractive.

I don't know if doing this course is going to make things better or worse for me. I mean, doing the personal trainers course didn't make me look or feel any better for it. In fact, it did the opposite. The entire time I was doing the course I felt out of place because I didn't look like a personal trainer. All the girls were slim and toned. All the guys were strong and muscular. Then there was me. The one person in the class that didn't fit in and every class was like a reminder of how ugly I was by comparison.

I could never become a good looking fitness model looking person so I tried to get as close to what I want to be as I possibly could. I tried to get as close as I possibly could to the amazing looking fitness model types by becoming a personal trainer. Unfortunately for me, I don't look like a personal trainer and never will, so that career path turned into a dead end.

This photography degree is probably going to be the same as well. I could never become a photography model so instead I'll try to get as close to that which I want to be. Unfortunately for me, I don't look like a photographer and never will, so this career path is probably going to turn into a dead end too. I can't even stomach the thought of having my picture taken without wanting to throw up.

It saddens me a little bit when I think about it. I'm the guy that never gets to be in the spotlight. Instead, I'm the one that has to shine the light on others. I only wish that I could have my time to shine in the spotlight. To have people admire me. To have people think I was attractive. I guess it's true what they say though. Inner beauty is your soul shining through...and we all know Devil's don't have a soul.

Still...I can't help but wish that I had great looking body and was attractive and popular.

Now I don't know if I'm doing this course for the right reasons.

I guess only time will tell and someday I'll know. Maybe even someday I'll get to have my turn in the spotlight.

Someday.

Maybe.

Devil's Winamp: Jewel - Sensitive
Devil's Mood: Hesitant / Unsure / Nervous / Apprehensive

I Really Wanna Get Smart Until I Feel Like A Genius

2010-01-18T22:30:00.004+08:00

This afternoon Devil found out that His application to (again) study at university has been accepted and that He's been offered a place in His first preference course.

Admittedly, I only had the one preference so there was really no margin for error when I was putting in my application. At the same time, I didn't think there was going to be too much of a problem getting entry considering my past academic history. Honestly...the amount of research publications that I've made for the university in the past should make me a semi-celebrity.

I guess some people who never finished high school or did any kind of lower level tertiary qualification would have great difficulty with attempting to get into this kind of university course but I for me...my frustration was that it took so long for them to approve it. I hate waiting and patience isn't really a strong point for me.

Anyway, the point of the matter is, I'm going back to university. I still need to get my class time tables sorted out and then it's a matter to taking days off work (as necessary) to go to class. It's a pretty sweet deal when you look at it objectively. I'm studying at university, doing a course that I want to do (not because I need to) AND getting paid to take the time off work. I can't really see any down side to any of it all.

I'll still be earning the same about of money...but I'll be doing something interesting and productive with my time that will further develop my creative side as well as develop and add credibility to my fledgling business.

I'm really looking forwards to going back to study again and get into an academic environment where I'm responsible for my own learning. I'm looking forward to being around intelligent people with differing views and I'm looking forward to meeting new people.

Last time I went to the university for my masters degree, I had a blast and a large part of that was because of the people that I was there with. Namely Grace. I can't guarantee that there will be anyone like her in any of my classes...but I'm going to try and meet as many people as I can and even try to become involved more in the university life.

I mean...why the hell not? I'm going to be an art student. I'm going to be one of those students that everyone hates because their courses are so easy they get to slack off and still make good grades. I'm hoping with that kind of attitude I can totally ace this course and get dux for the course. I guess that would been I'd have to put in SOME effort...and possibly eliminating any competition.

I'm really looking forward to going back to university...and I also like the fact that when I want to do something...or I want something to happen, all I have to do is, well...do it.

Devil's Winamp: Fabolous - Get Smart
Devil's Mood: Excited

Nothing Matters, But Knowing Nothing Matters. It's Just Life, So Keep Dancing Through

2010-01-14T18:12:00.005+08:00

Devil has had a bit of a revelation in recent days...and like most of his revelations, they've occurred in the most unusual of places.

I guess in my most recent blog I've taken great deal of things for granted and I've not really had a bigger picture perspective. I'm still saddened by the way I look and I'm eventually, maybe, hopefully I might almost look attractive...but I shouldn't be dwelling on it. Not when I have so much else in my life going on.

I was riding my bike home from work and listening to this song and the words made a weird sort of sense to me. Then I realised...I can actually ride a bike. There are people who can't either becuase they don't have a bike or because they physically can't...and I should be thankful that I can.

Then I realised:

I'm not good at rock climbing...but I still do it.
I'm not good at gymnastics...but I still do it.
I'm not good at swimming...but I still do it.
I'm not good at swing dancing...but I still do it.
I'm not good at pilates...but I still do it.
I'm not good at bike riding...but I still do it.
I'm not good at martial arts...but I still do it.
I'm not good at aerial silks...but I still do it.
I'm not good at weights and running...but I still do it.

I'm not good at a lot of things...but I still do it because I can. Not everyone can do the things I do and I should be grateful that I have the ability to even give them all a go.

I'm not smart...but I'll still try to learn.
I'm not popular...but I'll still try to be social.
I'm not attractive...but I'll still try to take care of my appearance.

I guess I owe it to the people who can't do the things that I do either because of lack of ability or lack of motivation or just plain lack of life...I owe it to them to do what I do because I can.

I don't know how much longer my body is going to hold out. I don't know how much longer my current lifestyle and financial circumstances are going to hold out. I don't know how much longer I can live the life I'm living and I don't know how much longer it will be before it's all taken away from me (or if it will be taken away at all)...but I owe it to myself to do everything I can with what I have, in what little time I have in this life.

Devil's Winamp: Wicked - Dancing Through Life
Devil's Mood: Centred / Focused

It's A Shame There's No One To Blame For All The Pain That Life Brings

2010-01-12T22:14:00.003+08:00

Devil wishes things were different for him. So very, very different.

Tonight at training, for some fucked up reason, I happen to put my hand on my stomach area so that I could get a hold of my t-shirt so that I could pull it away from my sweaty, overly extruding gut...but instead, I managed to grab a handful of stomach flab.

It's a depressing and disgusting realisation when you know that you're not just fat but fat enough that you can actually physically grab the excessive fat on your body in your hands. The thought of it all makes me feel physically ill...which isn't such a bad thing when I'm trying to loose weight I guess.

I have no one else to blame for my current situation and I need to take responsibility for my bad eating decisions...it's just depressing to see how much of those decisions are now coming back to haunt me.

When I think about this whole situation I'm in, I honestly don't know why I would want to try and find a way out of it all. Even if I wasn't fat any more, I'd still be ugly and there's nothing I can do to fix that so why even bother trying in the first place. It's not like it would change anything.

I was told once that photos capture a person's soul and that their inner beauty shines through no matter what. That's what the attractive people tell the ugly and fat people. I guess it's different for me because I have no soul and I have no inner beauty so if I do end up in a photo, I always look fat, ugly and disgusting. Just the thought of me being in a photo makes me feel sick in my stomach.

Some nights I go to bed wishing and hoping that by some kind of magic I'll wake up and I won't look fat and ugly any more...but I wake up and I come to the realisation that living every day looking the way I do, my life is just one sick joke.

Some nights I go to bed wishing and hoping that I don't wake up...but I wake up and I come to the realisation that I'm too much of a coward to try to take my own life.

Devil's Winamp: Jewel - Stand
Devil's Mood: Hateful / Disgusting

I Gotta Go Back, Back, Back To School Again

2010-01-08T22:45:00.003+08:00

Devil's been accused of being spontaneous and random at times.

...and I guess I have a tendency to be when the mood suits me.

Yesterday at work I was having a conversation about random things (as most of my conversations are) and the topic of university study came up. Admittedly I've been getting a bit restless in that regard and I've wanted to go back to study (yet again) but this time, the conversation was directed at how much holiday leave I've got up my sleeve. Effectively, I have about 6 months worth of holidays available to me and so....the seed was planted in my brain.

In the past I've tried to look into various courses that I could study at varying levels ranging from a Certificate 1 up to a Doctorate. Unfortunately for me however, I was spoiled for choice. Having finished year 12, completed an honours degree, a masters degree, a certificate 3 and a certificate 4...there were just way too many options available to me. I remember, when I was younger, that I should always keep my options open. Little did I realise that having too many options can sometimes be a bad thing.

Anyway, today, I applied for entry to university. Yeah...I'm going back...for the third time. For another qualification that I don't really need. What can I say, I had a really great time learning and at a university (degree) level was so much more stimulating and fulfilling than learning at a lower (certificate / diploma) level. I'm basing all of this on my own personal experiences whilst I was studying my masters degree at university (which was awesome) and whilst I was studying at the fitness centre completing my certificate 3 and 4. By comparison...the university qualification kicks so much more ass. And rightly so. Not everyone is good enough to get into university.

So, whilst I was filling in my online application there were a number of criteria that I had to meet in order get my application though. There were questions about my high school results and my work history and any other qualifications I had...so I called them up...told them who I was. what qualifications I had and gave them my student ID number...and yeah...after pulling up my file, the woman on the other end of the phone didn't seem to think there was too much of an issue with the application process.

All I do now...is wait for the application process to play out and eventually / hopefully, I'll be offered a spot at the university to do one of their courses. I'm looking at possibly studying part time (or full time if the hours suit me) and I'll be able to do so my taking a day off work here and there. I'll be going to university and getting paid for it...all without disrupting my existing schedule.

On top of that, I think I also might be able to find a way to get my university studies claimed as a tax deduction too...but I'll need to talk to my accountant about that first.

Devil's Winamp: The Four Tops - Back To School Again
Devil's Mood: Uber-blasé / Bored

But Be Careful What You Wish For 'Cause You Just Might Get It

2010-01-05T17:39:00.005+08:00

It's been less than a week into the new year and already things are falling into place...and Devil hasn't even been putting in ~~much~~ any effort at all.

So far:

I've acquired a number of photography opportunities through my network of contacts whilst my network of contacts continues to expand.

I've found a (beginners) ballet class that fits into my existing schedule so I won't have to give up on anything else so +1 more thing to my list of sports and activities I'm already doing. Adding yoga to my schedule is proving a little more difficult to include because of scheduling conflicts but I have no doubt that as soon as I start putting in some effort, I'll find something that works (I've only looked at one place so far...so yeah, I haven't really tried in that regard).

I've been given the opportunity to participate in a weekly (weekend) workout session that's held at a gym that's owned by one of my contacts. It's pretty awesome because it's not a conventional gym. It's specifically designed for functional strength and he's designed it all like a massive jungle gym playground...but for adults. Although it's in the early hours of Sunday morning, I'm more than happy to participate in it because my Saturday nights are usually over by midnight anyway. Not that it bothers me any more. Too much of my time is wasted sleeping.

I got some new tyres (ok, so I got some new inner tubes for the tyres) on my bike and they're friggen solid! I love my morning ride to work listening to my MP3 player. I feel an increased sense of awareness when I ride to work while I'm listening to music. I feel an increased sense of awareness when I'm doing anything when I listen to music.

I'm really looking forwards to swimming a bit more too. I've got myself a new pair of goggles and an underwater MP3 player has been ordered for me so I can listen to music while I'm swimming. I can't wait for it to arrive.

Work has been going pretty well and despite having to work long hours over the Christmas / New Years break while everyone else was on holidays, I've been financially compensated for it. Admittedly, I could have just as easily done all the work within normal working hours if I had worked consistently but for some reason, I seem to do less work when I get put under excessive amounts of pressure by moron managers who hold onto things until 3 hours before a deadline and then ask you to do the work for them. Who would have guessed that's my stress reaction.

When I said (in my last blog) that I wanted to "defy gravity" I didn't realise what Karma would interpret that to mean that literally because it seems that people are gravitating to me more and more. I'm having trouble understanding why because it can't possibly be my abrasive personality or morbidly obese looks. The only logical explanation that I can think of is that after I let myself go over the Christmas and New Year's break, my weight is now significant enough for people to be pulled into it's gravitational influence.

I'd like to say that I want the rest of the year to play out as easily as the first few weeks have already...except I don't want to be morbidly obese any more. I want to have my body fat percentage down to 10% (through diet and exercise).

So Karma...if you're reading this, can you please make my body fat percentage 10% through diet and exercise not through (1) sickness or (2) injury or (3) some kind of tragedy (like death or near death) or (4) disease (like glandular fever or something like that) or (5) anything considered by the general human population to be negative. Thank you.

Devil's Winamp: The Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up
Devil's Mood: Blasé

It’s Time To Try Defying Gravity. I Think I’ll Try Defying Gravity And You Can’t Pull Me Down

2009-12-31T23:54:00.004+08:00

Well, it’s been (yet another) epic year. A year full of highs, lows and even higher highs.

There are some things that happened this year that I wish didn’t...but the past can’t be changed and I realise (and value) my instincts much more because of those events.

So let’s have a montage to show us what’s happened in the year that’s been:

I’m through accepting limits ‘cuz someone says they’re so. Some things I cannot change but till I try, I’ll never know.

January
Well...looking over my blog...I didn’t really accomplish all that much in the month of January. Kinda disappointing now that I look at it in retrospect.

February
I got bitten by a dog! Well...in comparison to January, it’s something! I also went to see my FIRST Cirque Du Soleil performance of Drallion...in the Tapis Rouge of the Grand Chapiteau. This was a gift given to me by The Matrix and his boyfriend (at the time), The Dentist. In hindsight, I can honestly say that the performance was life changing. That’s when I got my fire back. My minion (brother) also bought a house...2 doors away, and I took over the junior martial arts school.

March
I took up learning aerial silks...in secret. One of the conditions involved with me learning aerial silks was that it was to be in secret. The trainer was taking a risk by teaching me and I’m grateful for what little experience I was able to gain from those short sessions because it definitely came in handy.

April
This was the first time that I became involved in the massive 4 day long weekend of swing dancing that’s held every year. Admittedly I didn’t get involved in all the activities I could have and I was exhausted from what little I did. I definitely learnt from it though and it was an amazing experience that I’d definitely like to have. So much so, I’m taking time off work so I can go to everything. I’m really looking forward to it and I’d like to see how much I’ve progressed since the last workshop weekend.

May
Not much happened in May. May sucked.

June
I became a grandpa. My Saturday nights officially ended before it hit midnight and I was getting tired and cranky by about 23:00. Admittedly that would be because I was up since 06:00 swimming but the point remains that I get cranky and tired before midnight on a Saturday night.

July
Well...this was when one of the biggest turning points in my life happened. In July, I took joined up with my circus school...or specifically, the aerial arts performance group. What I set out to do...I actually did. I guess joining up proved a couple of things to myself more than anything else. I’m glad I did too.

August
I FINALLY became a qualified personal trainer. Finally. It’s not like I needed (yet another) qualification, it was more to do with the fact finished something that I started. The Matrix also had his awesome dress-up party where I got to be a cowboy...and ended up getting handcuffed to his balcony. Towards the end of August is when I started to develop my “special project” too.

September
I went to my FIRST theatre performance. It was Slava’s Snow Show and it was definitely an amazing experience. It also gave me a new found respect for live action theatre and gave me the inspiration to become more involved in performance and performance arts.

October
The biggest thing that happened this month was that I (finally) got the guts to start up my own business. My own photography business. I had an amazing network of contacts to draw upon and I’m glad that I’ve spent so much time investing in it. As a result, I had legal documents made up, business cards developed, a website set up and ready to go and a high end camera and some expensive lenses and other equipment (all at minimal cost). I also went out with The Grey Wolf to do our FIRST wedding photography gig. Yeah...in the same month I get my camera, I also get asked to do photos for a wedding. Talk about pressure! Well we did better than we could have hoped for but admittedly, neither of us do shit work...and we both know it.

November
Most of November was spent developing my photography business (excuse the pun). I was largely involved in marketing and advertising of the business, networking and just getting the name out there. I have to admit that I actually enjoyed publicising my business as opposed to doing the actual core business itself.

Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love, I guess I’ve lost. Well, if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost.

December
Sadly, in December I quit my job as a swimming instructor. I have to admit that I gained a great deal of experience by doing it and I have no regrets about it but at the same time I’m happy to be getting my Saturday mornings back because that will allow me to fill it with something else of value to me. I also went out to see some lesbian mud wrestling with a few close friends too. I also found out that a girl I know was accepted into the national circus institute. I really like her...but I would never tell her how I feel. I’m happy she got accepted...but at the same time I’m devastated she’s leaving.

So there we have a brief summary of 2009. Now...for the year ahead? What are my plans? Goals? Objectives? Resolutions? Here is pretty much everything I’m planning on doing / accomplishing in the year to come:

So if you care to find me. Look to the Western sky! As someone told me lately, “Everyone deserves the chance to fly!”

I intend to be more artistic, creative. I intend to perform and watch performances. I’m hoping that with things progressing the way they’re going, I’ll be able to audition and be invited into the senior aerialist performance group. Admittedly I have a very long way to go but I’m hoping that a years worth of hard work and dedicated training will improve my skills. On top of that , I’m hoping to perform in whatever capacity I can in any of the other activities that I do. The martial arts, the swing dancing, whatever it may be...I need to take any opportunity I can to perform.

“Everyone deserves a chance to fly”...I guess I’ve not really taken any of the chances or opportunities that I’ve been given. Instead I’ve usually passed them on to someone else who I thought deserved the chance more than I did but after having had such motives questioned and abused, I now realise how valuable those opportunities are / were.

And if I’m flying solo. At least I’m flying free. To those who’d ground me. Take a message back from me.

I intend to spend more time socialising. Yes, I know it’s extremely difficult for me as it is. I’m still going to be doing my own thing regardless of the people around me but in the past year, I’ve learnt how valuable a social network can be. Of course, the people in the network are going to have varying levels of “rankings” and priority will be given to them accordingly (if at all). There are so many more networks that I want to establish and having played the networking game for some time now...I understand how it works and more so recently, I’ve started looking for opportunities to expand it even further.

Tell them how I’m defying gravity. I’m flying high. Defying gravity and soon I’ll match them in renown.

Devil's Winamp: Wicked - Defying Gravity
Devil's Mood: Conclusive

Tick Tock, On The Clock, But The Party Don't Stop

2009-12-17T09:59:00.003+08:00

Last night, Devil went out. Last night, Devil went out to THAT club...and last night Devil went out to THAT OTHER club too. Devil stayed sober the entire time though...and he still had a good night.

One of the girls that I know has been eager to participate in some local lesbian mud wrestling action that takes place at THAT OTHER club. The Glitter-Paper Club. They only hold it on a Wednesday night so I agreed to join her and be there in the audience to see her when she makes her first appearance on stage. The only trouble was that I still had work the following day.

Thankfully, due to a lot of changes to management at the satellite office I was able to negotiate a late start (of 12:00)...and get a penalty rate for having to work into the night. Basically, I got to go out and party...rock up to work late...and get paid extra for having to stay back late. Yeah...I'm not sure how that all works but I'm not going to complain about it.

I also invited a few close climbing friends to come along with me and I'm glad I did because their sense of humour and personalities just made the night so much fun. Anyway, after meeting up with the girl at The Moon Cafe, we headed over to THAT club where we sat at the tables watching everyone dance whilst making snide comments and being judgemental. I have to admit, it was quite amusing to be able to sit there and be judgemental to everyone there.

"Judge not lest ye be judged." Yeah, the reason for having that saying is that if you're one of those judgemental types...you're ultimately going to be judged by me and lets face it...not everyone passes my judgement. I mean...a great example was an exceedingly large lesbian looking lady wearing a very unflattering white top. The only thing that you could think of when you looked at her was "Marshmallow Man" from Ghostbusters.

At about midnight we made our way to THAT OTHER club. I hadn't been here in YEARS...during which time they've refurbished the premises and probably changed owners a couple of times. It was completely different and admittedly a lot nicer looking than what I remembered. Plenty of flashing coloured lights, dance music, alcohol and podiums.

At about 01:00 they commenced the Lesbian Mud Wrestling (which was introduced by a very large, female impersonator lip-syncing to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". It was both amusing and scary to be in such close proximity to something like that...kinda like when a fat kid trips over on the stairs...and you're at the bottom.

Anyway, the girl didn't win the wrestling competition but given that it was her first time, she did very well...and I have no doubt that there will be other times when she'll do it again...and I'm hoping to be there because I had a really good time with my small group of close friends with me.

On the drive home I was thinking to myself how foreign both places seemed to me now. In the past, I used to be able to go to either of those clubs on any given night and know at least 3 or 4 people...and even some of the staff. Now...I don't know anyone. That's not a bad thing either because I don't belong in that world any more.

I guess, in retrospect it served a purpose in my life (at the time) and going back to both clubs last night made me realise how much I've changed. It's made me realise that I can't keep up with that life style any more. And it's not because of my age but rather my life priorities. I don't go out and party on Friday nights because I'm in the pool at 0700 the next morning. I don't go out and party late on a Saturday night because I have martial arts and circus training the following day.

I suppose you could say that the priorities I have now are a sign of my age. I mean, going out and getting drunk no longer have an appeal to me and I'm ok to be around alcohol now. I still wouldn't risk drinking it but the temptation is no longer there because I'm focused on having a healthier life. A life worth living.

Sitting back last night, watching people drinking and dancing on the podium...I wondered to myself how many hours I wasted doing the same thing that they were doing. I wondered to myself how much money I practically threw away on alcohol and ultimately have nothing to show for it the end. I heard people around me being introduced to each other and "how happy there were to meet them all" and I wondered how many of them would actually establish some kind of meaningful friendship with someone they've met at a night club. For all the time that I've spent in the night clubs I've only managed to make one...and this is me we're talking about here. Not everyone can meet people as easily as I can.

It makes me wonder a little bit about the people I met...the people I left behind...the people who were never lucky enough to be me or keep up with me. It makes me wonder what happened to them...but at the same time, it makes me glad that I made the decisions that I did to get away from it all.

It made me glad to see that I didn't fit into that world anymore. It made me glad because I realised how much better my world is now with my martial arts and my swimming and my dancing and my pilates and my circus and my rock climbing and my gymnastics.

It made me glad because I was given the opportunity to see the world I don't fit in and it gave me an appreciation for the world that I do fit in...because it's the world that I created and the people in it mean something to me.

Devil's Winamp: Kesha - Tick Tock
Devil's Mood : Tired / Happy / Content

Or Am I Standing Still, With The Scenery Flying By? Or Am I Standing Still, Out Of The Corner Of My Eye? Was That You Passing Me By?

2009-12-14T22:47:00.002+08:00

Devil is feeling a bit down at the moment...and it's all because of this girl.

About a week or so ago, she sent a message on Facebook to myself and about 3 others to let us know about the offer that she had received from the national circus institute. They wanted to train her and she was hesitant about accepting their offer.

She's absolutely amazing and I can't understand how someone as beautiful and smart and perfect as her could have any doubts about her abilities. I was helping her by filming some of the audition requirements and even looking through the camera...I couldn't see how the institute couldn't accept her. She's a perfect candidate for their institute. An investment. She's amazing and I'm so very proud of her and all the hard work that she's put into it. Hours, days, months and years of hard work.

She had asked the select group of us on our opinions as to what she should do...and I was torn. On the one hand...I didn't want her to go to the institute. Accepting that offer would mean that she would have to relocate to the other side of the country and I guess I kinda hoped that there would be an opportunity (however slim that may be) for me to get the courage to tell her how I feel about her.

But in the same instance, if she stayed, she would have been extremely unhappy and unfulfilled with the things she was doing and I had no right to hold her back from her dreams. I can't convey how mixed I feel about it all. Yes, I want her to go and follow her dreams but at the same time I'm a bit jealous of the opportunity that she now has...and I guess I also wanted her to stay because once she leaves...it would mean that any hope that I had would also leave with her.

*sigh*

Tonight I received a FaceBook message from her saying that she was having a small gathering (of about 6 people) as her going away party. I'm genuinely honoured to be included in that small group of 6 people and again...I'm happy and proud of her for the opportunity that she's been given...but at the same time, I'm devastated that she's leaving because I lose all hope for any chance for me to say anything to her.

Not that I ever would. I don't think she sees me that way...and girls like her deserve the model boyfriends with the good looks and successful career who walk down the red carpet at any event in the city and are always at parties because they're part of the "in-crowd".

Her going away party is tomorrow (Tuesday) night. Ironically enough, last week I had asked my boss for thisi Wednesday and Thursday off work. I guess this is Karma's way of letting me know that she's still in charge. Having the Wednesday off means that I can go to her going away party...and I'll be attending. I don't know what I'm going to achieve from going and it'll probably hurt me more to know that she's going and have to say goodbye than if I did it via a faceless Facebook message.

*sigh*

What little time I've managed to spend with her and talk to her in the past...she's probably the only person that I've ever met that's fully understood what my life is like. She does everything that I do...except better. We always seem to be passing each other by as we go about our lives but I guess that's why it's been so 'perfect'. We've both had our own little worlds to live in...only ever making small steps into the world of the other.

*sigh*

She's so amazingly beautiful, focused, talented girl I ever met and she's also well out of my league.

Which is why I can't fully understand why I feel so attached to her when I hardly even have anything to do with her on a day-to-day basis. We'd maybe exchange messages on Facebook every 3 months or so...but for some reason I feel more invested in her leaving that I should...and I'm trying to figure out why.

*sigh*

I know that I have no right to try and convince her to stay when I know that she'll be happiest at the national circus institute...it's just that I can't help but wanting to hold on to that little bit of hope...but I know I can't.

I guess I understand what they mean when they say: "if you love something, set it free."

Devil's Winamp: Jewel - Standing Still
Devil's Mood : Sad / Lovelorn

But It's Me Stumbling Away. Slowly Learning That Life Is O.K. Say It After Me. It's No Better To Be Safe Than Sorry

2009-12-03T19:07:00.005+08:00

As the ~~feral~~ festive season draws closer and closer Devil is again having difficulty finding his balance.

I'm not a fan of the December period simply because there are (1) so many more functions happening and (2) all the activities I do have a tendency to go on a bit of a break. I need to be doing something at all times...and it unsettles me when my schedule has to change.

My weekends are becoming more and more congested with social events, the majority of which revolve around food so I'm having great difficulty maintaining some restraint and sticking to my diet. It's going well so far and I have to admit, it's easier when you have similarly health conscious people around you.

It's difficult having to juggle such a hectic social life but after officially resigning as a swimming instructor, I'll have a bit more time to socialise, network and focus on my photography business. Yeah, after a year of being a swimming instructor I've learnt everything I can and it's now time for me to move on. This Saturday will be my last Saturday and I'm somewhat sad about leaving.

I'll miss the people I worked with and the kids too. I've grown attached to them and it gave me such a great sense of achievement watching them learn and progress. At least now I can say I've been a swimming instructor. I've always been wary of the fact that "those who can't do, teach" so I'm still going to be doing my own swimming on Saturday mornings...I just won't be teaching.

The teaching thing has also given me my own sense of accomplishment too. I found something I wanted to do, I got qualified, I got a job. It's all about goal setting I guess...and I accomplished that. I followed something through from beginning to end and I guess that it proves to myself that I can do things that I focus on. Not everyone can say they are capable of doing that. I mean...how many people would have looked at a job and never applied for it? How many people would have tried to get qualified but couldn't? How many people did get qualified but couldn't get a job at the end of it? It's the reality of life really. Not everyone makes it in the end...and to be quite honest...not everyone should.

In other news, my first solo aerial silks performance occurs in about 2 weeks. I'm ready for it but I'm nervous (as I would expect to be). The coaches and directors are extremely (constructively) critical of any technique flaws and have spent a fair bit of time giving my routine a bit of "polish". I'm actually pretty happy with the overall routine and I can't wait to extend it into a longer more extravagant routine.

Because of the existing strength that I had when I joined up with the circus troupe, myself and one of the other circus trainees are now working on a attempting to replicate this routine. Ok...so maybe replicate is not the correct term, but we're mimicking a number of moves. The other trainee is very closely matched to me in terms of height and weight which is going to make balancing relatively easy. Plus it's also a bonus when the person you're working with is as passionate about it all as you are.

In recent months I've also become more and more involved with live theatre and I have to admit, I'm actually really drawn to it. I find the "live" aspect so much more enjoyable and memorable. Having a great group of friends who are also as passionate about theatre also helps and I've once again managed to establish a whole new network of people and start up another set of regular social events.

Anyway...I have a great many things to do and I can't spend all night updating everyone on the details of my life. As much as I'd love to, just remember that my life (in almost all instances) will be better than yours could ever be.

Devil's Winamp : Reel Big Fish - Take On Me
Devil's Mood : Accomplished / Progressive

Destroy Everything You Touch Today

2009-11-16T22:23:00.004+08:00

And so...Devil blogs again with something weighing heavy on His mind.

Of late, I've come to the realisation that the trust that I had (mis)placed in people could potentially come back to bite me...and that I should always trust my instincts. Without sounding arrogant, people have talked to me (in confidence) and I have held that trust to the highest of standards that I possibly can.

Others...who I have spoken to (in confidence) have unfortunately not done the same and spoken some-what freely to others.

Unfortunately for me...there's not much I can do about any of it. I've learned my lesson and I will not be misplacing my trust again.

As for the individuals who have betrayed my trust. Well...Karma will ensure that they are taken care of and I will be there to see it. In fact, I doubt it would be possible for me to miss it.

If my past experiences are anything to go by, the people in my life who I trust, their lives get better and better. Opportunities open up to them. Good luck is brought their way and Karma (by association) looks out for them. Once a person has betrayed my trust however...their life becomes somewhat...worse. Once a person has betrayed my trust they become somewhat...cursed.

In other news:

I've started riding my bike to work again. It's still a bit cold in the mornings but the extra cardio exercise and savings on fuel are are good incentive to keep going.
My weights program is still continuing with some occasional refinements in order to support and progress all the things I'm doing...but I'm almost bench pressing my own body weight (finally). Hopefully I should be able to by the end of the year.
My martial arts is progressing slowly but systematically. I'm currently learning to use a new weapon that incorporates some of the skills that I've learnt in gymnastics and circus.
My dancing is going really well. On the weekend I went to the monthly dance event and I realised that I now know more than enough moves to dance all the way through a song without repeating moves AND when I do stuff up, I know how to recover from it.
My gymnastics has slightly stalled and I can't get past a mental block that I currently have. I can do all the basic components of a round-off back-sault but I just can't seem to put them together in a combination. I've done them before on my own...but yeah...there's something stuck in my head that's stopping me from doing it and I can't seem to get past it.
My pilates is still continuing. The progress in this regard can't really be seen at pilates itself...but in other things like rock climbing and gymnastics and circus.
My circus training is progressing nicely. All the trainees were recently reviewed for performance material and my "routine" passed other than minor technical changes that need to be made which means that I need to be ready to perform in December...which incorporates both a front lever and a back lever off the aerial silks.
My rock climbing appears to have plateaued but that's by my own doing. I've given precedence to other activities so admittedly it's because of my own choosing. Having said that though, I'm still climbing and I haven't gone backwards in my abilities so that (in a round-about way) is a positive thing.
My swimming is still continuing and although progressing with greater speed and efficiency through the water, the side-effect benefits are being noticed elsewhere. My lung capacity has definitely increased and being in the water is a definite advantage to any muscle recovery I might need to have. As a side note to the swimming, I'm thinking about giving up my job as a swimming instructor. I've learnt everything I can from being a swimming instructor and I'd like to progress my side-career as a personal trainer (now with aquatic experience).

In terms of photography, my own personal photography business is progressing nicely and I don't seem to have a shortage of available work...but that comes from having a massive network of people. On top of that, The Grey Wolf and I have officially started our business as wedding photogrpahers and we've got a number of bookings already (some as far ahead as November of next year) and we haven't even started to advertise. At this rate, we probably won't need to advertise.

I've still yet to take up ballet and yoga...but I think I may hold off on any of that until next year.

Devil's Winamp: Ladytron - Everything You Touch
Devil's Mood : Fuming / Distrustful / Betrayed

I Want To Live Close To The Sun. Well, Pack Your Bags Cause I've Already Won. Everything To Prove Nothing In My Way. I'll Get There One Day

2009-11-02T22:39:00.007+08:00

So once again, Devil has been out rubbing shoulders with the influential and powerful people. And yes, shoulders were the only thing being rubbed. This time anyway.

An important exhibition was shown recently held at the state museum which was closed to the general public but being me...and doing what I do best...I was there, amongst a variety of dignitaries, politicians, ambassadors and other associated people of power and influence.

Ok, so I was there as a photographer which got me thinking...it must be so difficult for some amateurs who are attempting to start out in this field of work to get opportunities like this. I’ve been steadily building my network for years, and the recent launch of my business has gone extremely successfully because of that...and here I was at an event that extremely few people got to attend let alone know about (it was a strict invitation only event) and because of my reputation, I was right in amongst it with other professional photographers and photojournalists and even cameramen from various television stations.

Admittedly, it was hard work. It’s not easy always attending events like this, doing what I do best, getting close to the action, and getting excellent photo opportunities because of it...but I soldier on as best I can, because I know that not everyone is as lucky or as gifted as me.

It’s a burden – but I’ll manage. I mean...since I officially launched my business, I’ve barely had a single weekend where I haven’t been off photographing someone or something important. Some people might say I should be happy with that but it can get tiring, always having to be the one in the thick of it all.

Devil's Winamp: Total Drama Island - I Wanna Be Famous
Devil's Mood: Wishful

Life Is A Circus. It's Not Fair. Life Is A Hard Road. When You're Not There, At The Fair

2009-10-23T21:55:00.002+08:00

Devil's been following this blog of late and the concept has been playing on His mind since He first read it.

Basically, it's a letter from yourself to yourself at the age of 16. Yeah...the idea has been playing in my head for a few days now and I guess the only way I'm going to be able to get some focus back is to actually get the thoughts out of my head-space and out there...in the cyber-space.

So here goes:

To Devil's Advocate,

You're a freak. You've always known this and guess what...that doesn't change when you get older. Don't expect your parents to understand you or the way you see things. Just ride it out because the pain will be worth it in the end. You've always seen things in ways that no one else could ever see. You'll realise that this is both a gift and a curse...and you'll learn how to use it to your advantage. You'll eventually find a way to let other people see what you see. I won't tell you what you'll do or how you'll do it...but knowing what happens...lets just say that I'm proud of what you're going to do to achieve that.

After high school is over you'll lose contact with everyone you've ever known and basically start life all over again meeting new people and making networks. This will be one of the best things you'll ever do. The people that you'll start to meet will be the ones that understand you and you'll learn about the power of networking.

All your thoughts on conspiracy theories and your sense of paranoia will only get worse...but don't worry, that will eventually work to your advantage and you'll end up getting a job that you love because of that.

As the years pass you'll take on a lot of 'eccentric' / left-of-field hobbies and activities. It's only by doing these that you'll feel some sense of belonging. It's only with other 'weirdos' that you'll actually ever feel like you're not one of the outcasts. It's not a bad thing. You're different. You always have been and you always will be. Embrace that.

Oh...and while I'm on the topic of activities...get your ass moving. Go to the gym. You have nothing else to do with your spare time other than play computer games and unless you want to end up overweight and ugly you need to do something about it sooner rather than later. Admittedly you will always be ugly. Trust me. That doesn't change...but you don't have to be fat as well, so get your ass moving. Immediately. You'll thank me later. Well...actually...I'll thank myself later. Anyway...

You'll also have alcohol addiction to look forwards to but rest assured that you will break it. Don't be afraid of this addiction because even though it will probably be one of the worst / hardest / difficult things you'll have to do in your entire life...the best thing in your life will come from it. It is during these darkest times that you will find a friend. And not just any friend. A best friend. One of those friends that you've only ever read about in books and comics. One of those friends that stays with you for the rest of your life.

You will loose all the other friends around you because of it but it is only by going through the pain of breaking this addiction will you gain a friend but trust me...his friendship is worth more than your life ever will be...and all the other friends that you lost...will be replaced with ones that don't base their friendship around alcohol.

Even though it might sound like it, it's not all doom and gloom. You'll accomplish a great many things and get a decent education in a variety of educational institutions (and at various levels) and you'll find yourself continually drawn into the world of academia. You might think your head is pretty fucked up but that's only because it is.

You'll get a reputation because of it...but that's not a bad thing either. It will actually be the one thing that makes you different...and the one thing that makes you better than so many other people. Accept that.

You won't travel either...but that's because you're one of those people who have realised that they could spend their entire life searching the globe for the one thing in their life that's missing...only to realise it that it's been in their back yard the whole time.

You know that what you're looking for is in your own back yard...it's just a matter of knowing what to look for. Having said that though...I still don't know. It's like wanting an answer but not knowing what question to ask.

Even though you'll go through a lot of shit times...there will be good times scattered in there and it won't be until you're a fair bit older that you'll start to do things that make yourself happy. Don't stress about any of it because I can guarantee that it will be worth it in the end. I would know...because I'm living it now.

Memento Mori.

Devil's Winamp: David Bowie - Life Is A Circus
Devil's Mood : Contemplative / Morose

Look At This Photograph. Every Time I Do It Makes Me Laugh

2009-10-15T20:26:00.004+08:00

Ok...well since the last blog...both Devil and The Grey Wolf went out to be wedding photographers and yeah...

Well...what can I say, other than the fact that I have another wedding scheduled for this weekend...and only just this evening I was approached by one of my minion's (brother's) co-workers to take photos for her wedding next month too.

I guess things have gone pretty well and even I'm willing to concede that there are a couple of photos that I've taken that are pretty decent and that I'm maybe a little bit happy / proud of.

Talks between myself and The Grey Wolf in relation to going into business together are ongoing and there are a lot of minor details that still need to be worked out before it actually becomes official but we both agree that doing wedding photography isn't something that we're going to be advertising and will be purely on a "if we feel like it" basis.

It's an interesting (not to mention daunting) concept of getting into business like this (with The Grey Wolf) because it's not something that either of us had planned on doing and it all seems to have gained it's own momentum without either of us trying. The Grey Wolf's photos are similar (in artistic styling) to mine and the beauty of us going into business like this is that (1) we know each other's style and (2) the equipment we're using is almost identical so there's no issues with swapping lenses.

I guess if I had to choose who I'd want to go into business with for this sort of thing, it would have to be The Grey Wolf. His passion for photography, his view and perspective on things are very similar to my own (albeit a bit more optimistic) but I think we could probably make a business work between us.

In other news, I'm still trying hard to keep on my diet and it's going well so far. I'm increasing the amount of cardio exercise I'm doing every week and with the warmer weather rolling in I'm going to have to crank up my work outs even more if I'm going to have any chance of not looking hideously overweight.

Thankfully for me, by having my own photography business I'm pretty much guaranteed to be behind the camera every time so I won't have to worry about ruining anyone's photos by being in them. I need to lose so much weight that it's not even funny...but anyway...that's for another blog at another time.

I need to get some sleep.

Devil's Winamp: Nickelback - Photograph
Devil's Mood : Apprehensive / Cautious / Mixed / Overweight

So Take A Photograph To Capture Every Scene. What This Is, And What It Could Have Been

2009-10-08T09:38:00.005+08:00

Devil would like to make an announcement. Well...technically, Devil would like to make a revelation.

The revelation is about the "secret project" that I've quietly been working away on in the background. No, my revelation is not about a recent back-yard sex change operation that may or may not have occurred (well...not in THIS blog anyway).

The revelation about my secret project is about my brand new business. My brand new photography business to be exact. Yeah...I've been toying with the idea for some time and I guess, only now, everything has fallen into place (as it usually does for me).

I've thought about starting up my own photography business since the early days of "Captain Cameraman" but it's only recently that I've been able to financially fund this venture. It takes a fair bit of money to get a small business up and running and luckily for me the timing has helped everything fall into place.

My network of contacts have really come together with helping me get this business off the ground too. My graphics designer (who specialises in print media) has helped me design, develop and print a whole batch of business cards. My web developers helped me establish a web presence and an online gallery for the general public (and for photography clients). My lawyers have reviewed (and adjusted) various legal documents that are required. My accountant has been notified and has been providing some excellent financial advice and of course...my network of contacts also includes The Grey Wolf who is probably as networked as I am (but in other areas).

So yeah...I'm officially running my own business now. Admittedly it's still in its infancy stage and I've been slowly marketing and advertising through word of mouth. I have no intention of leaving my day job straight away (why the hell would I when I get paid to be a prick to people!) but as time progresses, I'm hoping that the income from my photography will eventually increase and I can start reducing the amount of time I'm supposed to be at work.

Alternately, I could always put in for a day off and actually get paid for my day job AND for the photography work. Yeah...I think that's a better idea.

I've bought a whole bunch of photography stuff. Some of which I don't even know the names of but were seriously expensive and shiny and figured I could carry around with me to make myself look like an ACTUAL photographer.

Firstly there's the thing-a-ma-jig that you look through and click the button on it when you want to take the photo. I get confused as to which side of it you're supposed to look through when you want to take a photo though. And there's a couple of attachment whatcha-ma-call-its that you stick on the front of the thing-a-ma-jig so you can like zoom in and stuff. Oh! And it all comes in a nice little red backpack that's got little padded cells for everything. It's like a photography equipment insane asylum.

Anyway...the start up cost of my business (to date) is about $5, 000 all up. It's not too bad but again...that price is somewhat conservative because of my use of my network of contacts who have been able to provide me with some epic services / products at some awesome prices.

I've already done a few photography jobs so far and through the network contacts of The Grey Wolf, we've been hired as wedding photographers...that's taking place on Saturday (I also have another wedding to go to the week after and will be taking some photos at that one too).

There has been a bit of talk between The Grey Wolf and I about getting into business together...but we'll see how things go with this wedding. Consider it a litmus test for any future business prospects.

Yeah...I'm a little bit nervous about it all but the nervousness should subside once I figure out how this techno-contraption thing works and where the on / off button thingie is.

I should really read the instruction manual before the weddings.

Devil's Winamp: Dropping Daylight - Take A Photograph
Devil's Mood : Business Minded

Diet Coke And A Pizza Please. Diet Coke And I'm On My Knees Screaming, "Big Girls You Are Beautiful"

2009-10-01T21:18:00.003+08:00

Yes well Devil doesn't feel like a beautiful big girl right now and has therefore decided that He needs to go on a diet.

I don't really care how "bootylicious" my body is or how "some brothers can't deny the fact they get sprung" when I walk into a room. I need to lose some weight. If you don't believe me, here's one of my most recent photos of me trying to look seductive.

My point is, after all these years I still haven't been able to get rid of my excessive body fat and all my attempts to reduce it to an acceptable level (i.e. less than 10%) haven't really given me the results that I'd like to have. Ideally...I'd like to be able to see some of the muscles allegedly hidden underneath all of the body fat that I'm covered in.

So...accordingly...I've decided to go on a diet. [I want to play a game.] The rules are simple.

No carbs after 20:00. The body doesn't need them while you're sleeping. It's as simple as that. Carbs provide your body with energy and unless you're extremely active while you're sleeping (and I'm not) so if there's food that can be used as energy...and I'm not using the energy then it's just going to be stored as body fat.

Eat healthy. This should be a given. This means that I'm not going to be eating junky / oily / greasy / gross / heavy food. Not that I usually do, I'm just putting it down in writing that's all. Having said that though...if I actually adhered to that better, I wouldn't be as 'insulated' as I am right now.

Get a minimum of 7 hours sleep per night. I've been getting less than that lately and I think at least 7 hours of sleep per night is adequate for me. If my body genuinely needs more sleep (and I have the luxury of getting it) then I'll allow myself to have it...but I won't be sleeping in because "I want to" or because "I don't want to go work out".

No more fizzy / sugary / sports drinks. They're giving my body extra energy in the form of sugar that it doesn't need and it's just being stored as body fat. I'm only going to be drinking (more) water / milk / egg whites from now on. An occasional fruit smoothie or fruit juice will be ok as a treat for myself every now though.

Eat more. I don't mean that I'm going to gorge myself on Big Macs every half hour. What it does mean is that I'm going to be "grazing" more over the course of the day. Admittedly, my job gives me the luxury of having a ready supply of food always available to me. This food is going to be the healthy kind though, like: fruits, vegetables, nuts, wasabi peas (they're friggen awesome!) and other assorted healthy snackable items. The main meals during the day will be smaller (because of the fact that I've already got food in my stomach) so as a result, my energy levels should be relatively level for the duration of the day / night.

Being on a diet can be an isolating thing...especially when you get invited to events every weekend (and sometimes three events in one night like this coming weekend. As a side note, every Saturday night in October and one in November has now been booked...some with triple bookings). I'm allowing myself 1 "off diet" meal every week to accommodate for these social requirements but I'm still going to be within the parameters i.e: going out for dinner (after 8) will mean no carbs and there won't be any sugary / fizzy / sports drinks either.

In terms of exercise, I'm going to maintain everything I'm currently doing right now (with a few changes likely to occur in the new year) however, the cardio components of my daily workouts will now include 10 - 15 minutes of pure cardio (depending on time / scheduling conflicts) and I expect to start riding my bike to and from work once the weather gets a bit warmer.

And so...that concludes my basic diet parameters. We'll see how this progresses and if I ever manage to lose the excess body fat that I've been carrying around with me for all these years.

Devil's Winamp: Mika - Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)
Devil's Mood: Big / Bloated

Take That Pain And Replace That Feeling, And I’m A Take That Healing Then, Stand So Tall They’ll Have To Raise That Ceiling, Man

2009-09-27T17:00:00.006+08:00

Since Devil's last blog...much has happened, as expected.

Honestly...is there ever a time in my life where nothing happens? No...there is no such time. Not only that...but things are going awesomely fantastical. Everything that's been going on in my life has been great and seems to be getting better and better...all without me putting in much effort at all. And by much effort, I mean no effort.

This weekend is the AFL Grand Final / long weekend and it's turned into (yet another) great weekend full of awesome people at awesome places having an awesome time. Yeah...it's been pretty awesome.

Here's the breakdown:

--------------------
Saturday
--------------------

On Saturday, I did something slightly different and skipped my early morning swimming and only went to teach. Admittedly, I did feel a bit lazy by not having my early morning swimming session...but I guess I needed the sleep.

After teaching kids swimming like I usually do, I did a whole bunch of running around and I made an important purchase in relation to my "special project". Yes...I know I've been extremely cryptic with my "special project" but I've had every reason to be. Rest assured readers that I will soon be announcing what my "special project" is all about...and it is definitely blog-worthy.

I guess a large part of Saturday was spent doing things in relation to my "special project". Yeah, yeah...I'm being all "secretive" about it but I don't really have the opportunity to broadcast it out to everyone just yet because of the serious breaches of trust that I've recently experienced.

--------------------
Sunday
--------------------

On Sunday, I went to dim-sum with a few select climbers and close friends. I really enjoy the communal dining experience of dim-sum with people that I've become close with. The weather was absolutely amazing as well. It was one of those days where the sun was shining at just the right brightness and the temperature was just right. All in all...it was a great day with some great food, great weather and great company.

Well...it was until I bought myself a Bubble-O-Bill. For those of you who have no idea about what this is, it's an ice cream...in the shape of a cowboy...with a bubble gum ball for a nose. I haven't had one of them for ages. And by ages...I mean years. And by years...I mean more than a decade. So I decided to treat myself a little bit and indulge.

Anyone who's ever had one of these will know that you eat the ice cream first thereby saving the gum ball for last. Yeah...well...surprise surprise, on my last lick of my ice cream the gum ball fell on the floor of the car park...in the Nightlife District. Yeah...the 10 second rule DOES NOT apply here.

The important lesson for me here is that applying too much pressure with my tongue can cause a ball to drop. Not necessarily a bad thing in certain situations but in this one...it ruined my entire long weekend.

--------------------
Monday
--------------------

The public holiday Monday I used the time I had to sleep in (yeah...I know...I've been extremely self-indulgent of late), watched the movie Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li and to work on my "special project".

Ok...just a quick thing about the movie Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li...I don't actually recall there being much of a plot...and what little there was didn't really make any sense...but it had Kristen Kreuk in it...and it had Kristen Kreuk in it doing martial arts. Which were two reasons enough for me to want to see this movie. I think there was an explosion or two in it...and a boat...and a helicopter if I'm not mistaken. I think there might have been a motor bike in there too. Maybe. I don't really remember. Anyway...the point is...it's not exactly some piece of cinema masterpiece...but it was still watchable. Especially if you like Kristen Kreuk.

And rest assured that my recent spate of self indulgence with my lazy sleep ins and bad food choices will come to an end as of the beginning of October when I go back onto a strict diet in order to try and lose some additional body fat. I'm trying to work towards getting it under 10%...eventually...hopefully...maybe.

Anyway...this concludes my update to you all on the happenings of my life. This coming weekend is expected to be equally as packed and social...given the fact that I have a triple booking (yet again) for Saturday night...and I will be attending all 3 events...and I promise I will reveal all about my special project very soon.

Until next time...keep fighting the fight and remember: No matter what you do, there are always going to be 10 other people who are better at doing it you than you are...and I'm probably one of them.

Devil's Winamp: Hilltop Hoods - Chase That Feeling
Devil's Mood: Balanced / Secretive

Teenage Dreams In A Teenage Circus Running Around Like A Clown On Purpose

2009-09-13T22:31:00.004+08:00

Devil has had one of the most amazing weekends that He can remember. In comparison to all the nights He went out that He didn't remember, this weekend was absolutely amazing. Other than the fact that He can actually remember what happened.

The Saturday night that just passed, I went to see "Slava's Snowshow" and it was friggen amazing. I can't even begin to describe how much fun it was and it was most definitely a memorable experience. Both for me any everyone else that was there.

Having previously had some experience working within a theatre environment (backstage), this was the first time that I was just an audience member. I was so excited to be there...with my ticket and finding my seat and just to be there...it was so much fun!

Adults began acting like children and children...well, they were just children and wow...just to have been there to EXPERIENCE it all...ugh...I can't even put into words how great it made me feel and to be honest...I had a smile on my face from beginning to end.

Now...I had no idea what to expect from a theatre show but after having been to Slava's Snowshow, going to the theatre isn't just to "see" something but rather "experience" something. Every member in the audience was part of the show and to be there...smelling the smoke from the smoke machine, throwing paper 'snowballs' at each other, being caught up in a snow storm, pulling cobwebs off the stage and actually getting to meet the performers afterwards (to thank them for an amazing show) ...it's very VERY different from going to the movies.

Keep in mind that this show has also been touring internationally and has even been featured in Cirque Du Soleil's "Alegria" (which still uses small parts of the Snowshow) and you'll have a basic understanding of the level of quality of this production. Admittedly it's not at the high end level of a full-on Cirque production...but having been to both, I can understand why it was brought in to be part of Cirque.

Yeah...that's right, Cirque brought them on board (as a complete act) to perform with them as part of their "Alegria" production. They are THAT good...and to be seeing them...in person...in such an intimate theatre environment...I have to admit that it was also a bit humbling. I was so honoured to be able to shake hands with a couple of the performers after the show and to thank them. Since I've been trying to become a performer, I have an understanding of the blood, sweat and tears (quite literally) that goes into any performance (not to mention the amount of time) and for me to just say thank you...I guess it's just my own way of giving a bit of respect to those that have gone before me I suppose. But anyway...I digress...

Obviously, I didn't have any idea of what to expect from an internationally touring act...featuring clowns...but I can say this right now...I loved ever second of it and if they happen to be touring again...I might consider going again to both support the performers who are keeping the art of clowning alive and because it was so much fun. Maybe if they tour again in future I might consider taking a few younger 'kids' I know because I know they'd definitely enjoy it as much as I would.

Understandably, I've never really been to the theatre before and my only involvement in the past has been backstage in a working capacity. This was my first time where I was able to actually sit down and be part of the show and not have to run around trying to make sure that everyone else watching was having a great time. This time...I'm the one that got to have a great time and I think I can speak on behalf of anyone else that saw Slava's Snowshow...that they have a great time too.

We are not what you think we are
We are golden, we are golden.
We are not what you think we are
We are golden, we are golden.

My first theatre experience also involved heaps of bubbles, paper snow flakes, water, massive balloons and bouncy balls and my personal favourite...a massive snow storm. All of which covered / involved the audience. I got (paper) snowed on. I got caught in a massive snow storm and I got to hit around big balloons and bouncy balls...along with everyone else in the audience.

You'd think that being a theatre show, the people attending would be a little more...'reserved'. I would have thought so too and from the way a few of the people were dressed who were attending...I felt a bit intimidated and out of place. I didn't need to though because by the end of it a man in a tuxedo and a woman in an evening dress were throwing (paper) snow at each other and laughing and giggling as if they were kids again. Even a grandmother was standing up hitting the balloons around. It was definitely an experience I valued and to be honest...I think that's what the essence of Slava's Snowshow was all about. Just to be a kid again...even if it was for only a little while.

Some of the things that the clowns were doing reminded me A LOT of the things my younger minions (brothers) and I used to do when we were little (like having confetti fights made using a hole punching machine) and pretending your bed was a boat and sailing across the ocean.

Admittedly, whilst I was at the show, one of my minion (brothers) sme'ed me to let me know where he was and if I was interested in meeting him and a few of his friends who were having ice cream near by. I declined his offer but I think things between us are changing (for the better) and I think the fact that we hardly see each other any more is probably the reason for that.

My life (admittedly) seems to be going relatively smoothly and the only lows (if you could call them that) are not necessarily 'lows' per se but rather a stable normality with only highs and highers. I'd like to think Karma and I have reached a very fine balance and I'm grateful for that too. Oh...and in other news...Jailbait's mother has added me as a Facebook friend. How terribly awkward.

I was a boy
At an open door
Why you staring
Do you still think that you know?
Looking for treasure
In the things that you threw
Like a magpie
I live for glitter, not you

We are not what you think we are
We are golden, we are golden.
We are not what you think we are
We are golden, we are golden.

Teenage dreams in a teenage circus
Running around like a clown on purpose
Who gives a damn about the family you come from
No giving up when youre young and you want some

P.S: I totally love dancing around to this song. It encapsulates my life at this point in time with everything I'm doing...everyone in my life...and just everything surrounding me in my life right now and it just makes me look forward to the summer weather even more so I can actually run around like a total clown.

Devil's Winamp: Mika - We Are Golden
Devil's Mood: Happy / Content / Youthful / Golden

Ain't Nothin' Gonna Break My Stride, Nobody's Gonna Slow Me Down. Oh No, I've Got To Keep On Movin'

2009-08-31T22:02:00.004+08:00

Devil is posting in quick succession. Why? Well...things are going pretty well for Him...and it's all happening pretty fast. You'll have to keep up or you'll be left behind.

And trust me when I say this...but there have been MANY people who have been left behind because (1) they can't keep up with my progressions or (2) because they weren't worthy of my time or my energy to want to carry them along with me.

Today (despite being a Monday) was actually really good for me. So much so that I didn't even realise what the time was and ended up doing a bit of extra work. About 35 minutes more than my standard finishing time (of 15:00)...but that just means I'll have to finish work earlier...or I can clock up some extra time...and eventually have enough to take a day (or two) off.

Anyway...as far as my work is concerned...it's doing pretty well. I mean...I'm due for a pay rise soon. I mean I haven't done anything to actually deserve this pay rise other than the fact that I'm me. I get paid to be an abrasive, difficult to manage, self-absorbed, arrogant bastard. Well...if you really wanted to analyse the situation, I'm the same me that I've always been...just worse I guess. I like the fact that I get paid to be a prick. Even now, when people approach me for something that they need done, I don't even say hello any more. My first word to them is "No" THEN I ask them "What do you want?"...and then I tell them "No" again. Yeah...my job is awesome.

Today, I also got a phone call from out-of-the-blue from one of my university contacts that I had met whilst doing my masters degree and at several national conferences. As it turns out he had a favour to ask of me. He wanted to interview me (because of my specialist job) as part of one of his research papers. I was more than happy to assist him and in our general conversation he mentioned that he was having some difficulties at the university finding appropriate staff to teach his specialist course.

Well...this sounded like opportunity knocking on my door...so I told him that I'd be willing to help him out. After talking to him a bit more about it...there may be an opportunity to take up a (sessional) lecturing position at the university at the commencement of the next academic year. Of course...when an opportunity like that presents itself to you, you have to grab it with both hands, and inappropriately molest it. And I did just that.

I made a few phone calls to my administrative contacts and after speaking with them...there is a way in which I'm able to lecture (during working hours) but still be eligible for academic leave. Basically, I'd be getting time off work (thereby reducing the amount of time I have to work per week) whilst still getting paid to be on academic leave AND being paid by the university to be a lecturer. I still need to meet with my university contact (during work time of course) to get the finer details sorted out...but I think this is an opportunity that I would definitely enjoy.

In other news, my "special project" has been coming along quite nicely. I've had to recruit the services of a number of specialists, technicians and a team of legal advisers in regards to this...but it's all gone smoothly and progress is already under way. I guess I never realised the value of a good network until now and I'm kinda proud that I have a network like this available to me. I've got people who are specialising in the advertising and marketing aspects.

I've got people who are specialising in the technical / nitty-gritty stuff that I have no clue about. I've got several lawyers assisting me with (obviously) legal stuff...and yeah...they're all doing it for me...for free. I guess it's important to not only have a network of people available...but a network of people who are also reliable.

Devil's Winamp: Ace of Base - Break My Stride
Devil's Mood: Progressive / Opportunistic

So What, I'm Still A Rock Star. I Got My Rock Moves. And I Don't Need You

2009-08-29T18:52:00.006+08:00

And guess what, Devil’s havin’ more fun and now that were done, He’s gonna show you tonight.

Work has been going fantastically. The week I’ve had has really made me thankful for the job I have. As only one of two specialist researchers in the region...sometimes there’s certain things that only I can do...and yeah...there’s a lot of benefits that come with that.

Like getting to take the specialist cars out for a spin in the rain (very awesome)...and (temporarily) having my own office and my own specialist team of 7 scientists. It’s definitely an awesome experience and I have to admit...I could get quite used to having my own office and 7 scientists. That was definitely a great experience and I can’t wait to do that again. I hope it’s soon.

So,
So what I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm havin more fun
And now that were done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright I'm just fine
And you're a tool so
So what I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

In other news, I’m going to see this...with one of my friends that comes to gymnastics with me. This show is probably one of the most breath-taking clown shows in the world...and it’s only playing in my metropolis for two weeks.

As someone learning circus arts (or more specifically, a sub-section of circus arts), I’ve been exposed to all types of circus arts and performances and clowning is one of the few that I’ve seriously considered taking up. It’s a live (interactive) theatre show and since having been involved in my recent little backstage projects...I’ve come to appreciate live theatre shows so much more now.

I am REALLY excited about going to see this show and I think it will satisfy some of my desire to be part of the circus community. This show is going to be one the most awesomely-fantastical-epically-amazing-once-in-a-life-time-experience...and going to see it with a friend that actually appreciates and understands theatre and circusness...will make it so much more epically awesome. I can’t wait!

You weren't there
You never were
You want it all but that's not fair
I gave you life
I gave my all
You weren't there, you let me fall

While I’m on the subject of circus arts, I’ve been asked by one of the directors at my aerial arts school to put together an aerial silks routine. I feel really honoured that I’ve been asked to put together a routine (that will eventually be performed) only a couple of months after starting with them.

I guess my progress has been consistent and I’ve also noticed that I’ve become more flexible than I used to be and I can almost get into a full front split too.

So, so what I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm havin more fun
And now that were done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright I'm just fine
And you're a tool so
So what I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

Yeah...my life...once again...has become balanced, for the better.

Devil's Winamp: Pink - So What
Devil's Mood: Epically Awesome

Tomorrow You'll Be Thinking To Yourself, "Where Did It All Go Wrong?" But The List Goes On And On

2009-08-22T22:23:00.005+08:00

Devil has had the opportunity to be retrospective...and here are His findings...

I realised that...over the course of the many years that I've been doing everything that I've been doing...that it's not been an easy path. I've had cause to be retrospective and I guess...it's only by looking back that I've been able to see how far I've come.

It's taken me 10 years to get to where I am today.

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well

Then he's a fool, you're just as well

Hope it gives you hell

It's been 10 years since I finished high school and went to university...only to do a degree that I don't even use...but it's managed to get me where I am today.

I don't regret doing it...and I guess it was the right thing to do at the time because it helped me get my foot in the door of SETEC...which, in a very long journey...has almost brought me back right to the start and by that I mean that now I'm only working a 5 minute drive away from home.

My travel time is effectively nothing...and the freedom that it's given me to do all the other things that I do...I can't have any regrets for doing that degree (and I have no regrets about going BACK to university to do my masters degree either).

In those 10 years I've taken up Pilates, martial arts, rock climbing, gymnastics, swimming, swing dancing and circus arts...and I'm still doing them all now. I could never have imagined trying to take all of that up in anything less than 10 years. I couldn't imagine the significant damage I'd be doing to my body if I tried to do that all within the space of a year...but I guess (in retrospect) I know what could have happened if I had tried because within that time, I also became a personal trainer (and a swimming instructor).

Now you'll never see

What you've done to me

You can take back your memories

They're no good to me

And here's all your lies

You can look me in the eyes

With the sad, sad look

That you wear so well

Within those 10 years I've met a number of people...many of which have come and gone over the course of the years. Like in every year...the people that have come into my life...and have left it passed like the changing of the seasons. A natural occurrence that serves no other purpose other than to mark the passage of time. That's what it's been like for me in the past 10 years however...there have been a rare few that have been worthy of my loyalty.

Admittedly, there are an even rarer few who once had my loyalty...who have only proven to me that after these 10 years...my instincts serve a very important purpose...and that they should be obeyed at all times.

As part of this retrospective insight I've realised a few more things about both myself and the people around me...or more accurately, about the people I choose to be surrounded by.

I do not wish to be surrounded by those who are full of self pity.

I do not wish to be surrounded by those whose intentions are for their own personal gain.

I do not wish to be surrounded by those who ask for my advice...but do not accept it.

I do not wish to be surrounded by those who attempt to take what is mine when they have not deserved to do so.

I do not wish to be surrounded by those who attempt to take the freedom that is my life.

Devil's Winamp: All American Rejects - Gives You Hell

Devil's Mood: Jaded / Armoured / Stable

Lend Your Voices Only To Sounds Of Freedom. No Longer Lend Your Strength To That Which You Wish To Be Free From

2009-08-17T23:00:00.003+08:00

In recent weeks, Devil has been trying to move forward but there's been a few things that have been holding Him back.

Ok...when I mean a few things...I mean one thing. One particular thing has been haunting me and I've not been able to shake it off. I've been hoping that by leaving it...it would disappear of it's own accord...but it hasn't. I've been wishing that things would be different...but they're still the same...if not worse.

Everything I've been doing...I've had it...tainted. Everything I've wanted to achieve...I've had it...distorted. Everything that I've wanted to be proud of...I've had it negated. Everything that I thought was mine...I've had it taken away from me.

Every step that I've taken...I've had this cloud of regret and shame hanging over me and it's tainted every facet of what were once my passions. Imagine having wings and you were once capable of flight...but now...you've been chained to ground. Sure you can still fly...but not as high as what you once could. Not as far as what you once could...and not as freely as you once could.

That's what it's been like for me. I've been surrounded by this cloud of pity and despair and it's been not only holding me down...but it's been dragging me down further.

After much contemplation...I've realised that I've been allowing myself to be chained down for all this time. I've allowed it to happen to myself. I went against my instincts. I went against all the rules...and I went against I am...and now I'm paying the price. I realise now that I've been able to free myself from these chains...but I have no doubt I won't come out of it unscathed.

I accept the fact that in doing so...there will be some collateral damage...but I can't continue to live like this. I feel like I'm only half the person I used to be because of this...and I want to be free of it. I want to be free of it all.

I no longer want to be surrounded by pity. I no longer want to be surrounded by sorrow. I no longer want to be surrounded by regret. I no longer want to be surrounded by others who want to take everything that I have...everything that makes me the person I am...and making it their own. I don't want to be surrounded by people who turn me into something I don't want to be...and I don't want to be surrounded by people who cannot let me fly.

And it is because of this...I am releasing myself of the chains that have been holding me down so that I can now freely fly once again.

Devil's Winamp: Jewel - Life Uncommon
Devil's Mood : Free / Liberated / Relief

I Wanna Be A Cowboy

2009-08-16T09:47:00.004+08:00

Last night Devil had one of the best nights EVER! Not for any reason in particular...but just overall.

Last night I went to The Matrix's birthday party and Oh My God...what a party it was!

I don't remember ever going to a party that was so much fun and so full of laughs. It was a costume dress up party and (almost) everyone came dressed up. These things are always more fun when people actually put in some effort into their costume and yeah...it was an awesome night.

I went dressed as a cowboy (and I was wearing jeans under the leather chaps!). The Matrix was dressed as a sailor (yes...there were MANY sea-men jokes that night). There was also a police woman, a mad scientist, a lab technician, an army officer, a cow girl, a female ninja, Zorro, a naughty angel and a 60's porno star.

The party guests that attended The Matrix's party were people I had either met previously / already friends with / were friendly and actually became friends with them. It was a GREAT night and I had a fantastic time. There were PLENTY of laughs and smiles and without trying to sound arrogant...I'd like to think that the majority of those smiles and laughs were because of me...or more accurately...at my expense.

Yeah...I somehow managed to get handcuffed to the balcony of The Matrix's apartment. And I was sober to. In fact...I was the ONLY one there not drinking! And of course...being surrounded by numerous friends there...they all stood around and took photos and videos of the event...and then went back inside and locked the door.

As a side note...leather chaps will ONLY keep your legs warm. They provide no warmth for your ass or your groin.

Yeah...it was an awesome party and there were HEAPS of photos taken and I have no doubt that they're going to end up on Facebook within the next 24 hours...which concerns me because pretty much every one that I'm in...I look extremely incriminating...in a variety of ways...either on my own...or someone / something else.

I can't put into words how much fun I had at the party and I think it largely came down to the people that were there. It wasn't as if there were several groups of people keeping amongst themselves during the party. From my perspective...it felt as if everyone was part of one big group...and for me that was probably the highlight of the night. The number of people there, their personalities...it all just seemed to 'click'.

I don't even remember the last time I went to a party where I felt like everyone clicked like that. It was as if everyone already had an existing rapport...and I felt like I was amongst people I had known for a long time...and not people I had just met...which I guess is a testament to the type of friends that The Matrix has.

Even though I only had about 4 hours sleep...I don't feel tired at all...and that's probably because I'm still buzzing on a high from the party.

It was awesome and I got to be a cowboy for a night!

Devil's Winamp: Boy's Don't Cry - I Wanna Be A Cowboy
Devil's Mood : Energetic / Happy / Fun-loving

Doesn't It Feel Much Better, Aha. When You've Had A Better Day Than Yesterday?

2009-08-10T17:28:00.002+08:00

Devil wants to hit the pause on His life right now.

For the first time in my life...I feel content. Happy even. Well...almost. It IS Monday. I mean, the only thing that could make things better is if it were Friday...and I was on days off from work...but that's only a minor issue.

Everything that's going on in my life...I'm happy with. I'm happy with everything I'm doing...I'm happy with the projects that I'm working on (and there's some serious progress made with those) and I'm happy with the people around me.

Despite today being Monday...I was having about 6 different email conversations with various people in my network and somehow I still managed to impress bosses with what little work I actually did. People either have very low expectations of me...or I'm really good at what I do. Meh...I don't care either way because it means that I get to finish work at 15:00 to go to the gym which is always awesome.

Now...this would usually be a normal day but today...something different happened that made it even more awesome for me. The Toilet came into the office and spoke to my boss. Now, because my desk is right outside my bosses office (because I apparently need intensive supervision) I overheard what they were talking about.

The Toilet is getting flushed. That's right...my bosses boss who has been a major fucking dick head ever since he's been there is getting transferred. I attempted to contain my happiness by doing a conservative version of my 'happy dance'. Unfortunately...there IS no such thing as a conservative happy dance. How tragic.

Anyway...The Toilet then came out to the main office floor to make his announcement and went around shaking hands with everyone in the office whilst everyone was wishing him well. I was polite and shook his hand just like everyone else. I too wished him well and commended him for his management in the time that he's been there. Well...at least I meant to. I might have said "I'd be lying if I said it was a pleasure working for you."

I guess that being as self absorbed as The Toilet is and the tone in which I said it...he might have interpreted it as a compliment...but at least everyone else in the office heard what I said. I even asked my boss if I could show a token of my appreciation.

Devil: "Can we have a farewell party for him?"
Boss: "What the hell for? You don't even like him."
Devil: "I never said we had to invite him."
Boss: "You could at least wait until he's gone then."
Devil: "Why not have one before he leaves and after he leaves...and not invite him to both?"
Boss: "Shut up."

All things considered...things of late (even with The Toilet around) haven't been all that bad...and now they can only get better. I'm happy with everything going on in my life and I'm happy with the progress that's being made with everything I'm doing. Admittedly, it does get hectic and it can be draining...but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Any minor injuries that I have, involve almost no recovery time (largely due to my regenerative abilities) and I'm finding that my body has not only adapted to the amount of energy required to do all the things I do...but I've become more physically and spatially aware of everything around me. It's like...I can see things more clearly...only I don't have to look.

I feel powerful and invincible.

But with great power comes great responsibility...and now, I actually understand what that means.

Devil's Winamp: Lady Sovereign - So Human
Devil's Mood : Strong / Powerful / Invincible

Let's Get Physical, Physical, I Wanna Get Physical, Let's Get Into Physical

2009-08-06T23:01:00.002+08:00

After all this time, Devil FINALLY has his certificate 4 in Fitness which now qualifies Him as a personal trainer. Again...this (supposed) accomplishment has left Him unfulfilled (yet again)...and He's now looking for His next project to start working on to keep His mind occupied.

To be honest, this qualification doesn't really change all that much for me, other than the fact that now any sporting related purchases I make are now tax deductible. This would also include any memberships to sporting clubs and associations...which basically mean that my memberships and fees for swimming, circus, rock climbing, dancing, pilates, gymnastics and martial arts are now all expenses I can claim.

Add to that fact that I also have an ABN (and only now do I realise the value of having one!) but I can now (legitimately) use it to get a new mobile phone and get onto a business plan thereby saving me even more money. Oh...plus any travel related expenses to and from training sessions are now also tax deductible so my petrol costs are also going to be offset too.

Taxes, accounting and finance related stuff is complicated...and I can understand why anyone doing any (or all) of these things is going to be left drained of both energy and personality. It's boring as dry shit. Ok...maybe that's an unfair comparison. It's MORE boring than dry shit. Anyway...the point of the matter here is that I now have the ability to reclaim some of my day-to-day expenses because they're part of my personal training business.

Now all I need to do is find a way to find a way to claim food and internet porn as work related expenses and I should be set.

Actually...I could probably combine the two into a food fetish porn website.

Hmmmmm.

Looks like I found my next project.

Devil's Winamp: Olivia Newton John - Let's Get Phyiscal
Devil's Mood : Progressive / (Financially) Creative

Feed The Birds, Tuppence A Bag. Tuppence, Tuppence, Tuppence A Bag

2009-07-31T21:55:00.002+08:00

Sit down boys and girls...Devil would like to tell you a story. It's been a while since He's told a story...so be sure to sit still and listen.

Once upon a time...there was an old woman who, each day, would feed the birds that would flock in a park in the centre of the city. Every day, rain or shine...the woman would feed the birds with what little bread scraps that she could gather during the day. She had little money but still made sure she had some food for the birds.

Over the years, the birds became used to the presence of the old woman and eventually, they even began eating from her hand. Every spring, the parent birds would bring their offspring to the park to be fed by the old woman and this continued for many years more.

Then one day, the old lady never attended the park to feed the birds. No one took much notice of her absence. The following day...the old lady never attended either. The day after that and the day after that, the old lady never attended the park to feed the birds. She never attended that park. No one knows why and no one knows what happened to her.

The months passed and an old man began to attend the park to feed the birds. When he threw out food for the birds, they never flew down to eat it. Eventually, the birds flew away despite the old man returning each day...attemping to feed them just as the old woman had done for so many years.

The birds knew that it was not the same hand that was trying to feed them.

The birds knew...and they all flew away...and they never returned to that park in the centre of the city.

The end.

Devil's Winamp: Mary Poppins Soundtrack - Feed The Birds (Tuppence A Bag)
Devil's Mood : Empty

The Strange Emotion Is Incredible, Logical, But Totally Wonderful, I Feel Superhuman, I'm In An Illusion

2009-07-19T12:48:00.004+08:00

Since Devil's last blog...He's been regaining his stability after experiencing a bit of flight turbulance. These things happen from time to time...but He's now back on his flight path and at cruising altitude.

Since my last blog I've started up with the Circus School. Ok...I need to clarify here that they're NOT exactly a circus school. When I was asking one of the directors the other day if they did any of the other circus arts stuff she said no...and that they were a specialist aerialst company. I couldn't help but smile. As it turns out...had I gone to the other circus schools my time and energy would have been dispersed over a wider range of circus skills. In the group I've joined...they specialise in aerial skills...which means my energy and focus is going to be where I've wanted to go.

I'm still settling into the routine and it can become a bit hectic but I'm adapting to it pretty well (at least, I'd like to think so). Initially, the aerial training severly impacted on my abilities at the gym but any impact felt from the aerial training has tapered off and no longer impacts on my gym workouts. At this point it time, I'm going to let things with my list of activities stabilise further. Probably for the next month or so...or at least until I become fully certified as a personal trainer.

In a few months time I'm looking at incorporating yoga and ballet classes (yeah...I found a place that's willing to take on beginners). Once I've added that to the schedule...well...I'll think about what I'll do after that when the time comes.

I honestly don't know why I'm doing any of it...other than the fact that I can. I love doing a lot of things and my only fear with it all is that I won't be able to maintain it forever. I know that one day I'm going to have to give some or all of it up for one reason or another...and that scares me. I don't know how much longer my body is going to be able to cope with it all. I don't know what the future holds. I might get cancer, I might get into a car accident, I might just get old...but I know something (probably time) will one day stop me from doing some or all of the things that I'm doing now...and that scares me. A lot.

I guess it's that fear that's driving me to do the things I'm doing. I don't know how much more time I'll have with my body in this condition and it's almost a race against time now. I don't want to be old with regrets for not doing the things I could have done when I was younger. I already have those regrets now. I regret not doing dance classes when I was younger. I regret not keeping with gymnastics when I was little. I regret all those things and many more. What I don't want to regret is that I never took responsibility for myself.

My idiot uncle has continiously complained that my grandmother (his mother) never paid for a tutor for him so he never did well at school and so he never got to go to university and get a good job. Quite clearly...he's an idiot...because he CAN go to university. He say's that he's 55 and he's too old. I said that he's talking bullshit and that he should stop acting like a child and take responsibilty for what he wants to do with his life. He's not dead so he has no excuse for not trying.

At the circus school, I'm probably the oldest one there and guess what...you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. It just takes a lot more time and a lot more patience...but they CAN be taught. I know that for a fact.

Occasionally, Karma likes to remind me of just who I am...and I'm grateful for that too. It used to be that I could go out into The Nightlife District on any given day / or night and I'd meet 2 or 3 people that I know. Now...I don't even have to go out into The Nightlife District any more. I can go shopping, to the swimming pool, to dinner, to the movies and the chances are...I'm likely to meet someone that I know.

It could just be an indicator of population size of my Metropolils...or an indicator of my networking / popularity abilities. Regardless of that fact, the network of people I have available to me is somewhat extensive and as much as it drains me to maintain sometimes...I'm thankful that I have it available to me.

I went to see "Bruo" last night night too. It was disgusting, crass, juvenille and absolutely vulgar. It was everything that I had expected it to be and there were several times during the movie that I cringed. Yes...it was awesome. The other great thing about the movie is that now I'm able to be racist to Mexicans, Asians, gays, African Americans, Jews AND red-heads under the guise of taking quotes from the movie so now I can be both humourous AND a racist / bigot.

Yeah...life is good.

Ok...so maybe that's a lie.

It's not entirely shit though so that's a good thing I guess.

When some things are going great in my life...other things turn to shit. And work's turned to shit for me (but only temporarily). The boss that we usually have has taken 2 weeks holidays and we now have a temporary boss who quite clearly has something to prove and doesn't get the concept that I'm a specialist. Anyway...he quite obvoiusly suffers from "small-penis-syndrome".

[small-penis-syndrome: a medical affliction of having a small penis to compesate for the rest of the individual being a total cock; "no, that's not wrinkles on his neck, that's actually his foreskin"].

I'd had to play a few of my ace cards that I've been holding on to in this (office) political game and despite the fact that I have about 8 weeks worth of holidays to use up...I decided to take 3 other days off that have been owed to me. See...the purpose of a SPECIALIST is to do SPECIALISED things. Now...without one of the SPECIALISTS there...their SPECIALISED services will be cut in half...or less because the small-penis-boss has decided that the SPECIALISTS weren't going to do any of the SPECIALISED services anymore.

Anyway...it's not my concern any more. I have 3 days off work to do with as I please and I'm going to!! I have one LAST personal training assignment to complete (yes...I completed them before and I submitted them but they've been returned and I had to make some amendments to a few of them before I can resubmit them) and I'm going to work on a few other projects that I've had on the back-burner for a little while now.

Yay for me!! 3 days off!!

Devil's Winamp: Natalie Bassingthwaighte - Superhuman
Devil's Mood: Strong / Focused

In Every Loss, In Every Lie, In Every Truth That You’d Deny. And Each Regret And Each Goodbye Was A Mistake Too Great To Hide

2009-07-05T13:02:00.006+08:00

Much has changed in Devil's world of late.

Recently, within The Underworld, things have been a bit different…and by “a bit”, I mean a lot.

I’m spending less and less time in The Underworld because I’ve been so busy (and with starting circus training on Monday) I can guarantee the time that I’m spending in The Underworld will be even less.

My minion (family) have been somewhat…different since I’ve started being there less and less.

We seem to communicate more and get along better. Even things between myself and my minion (brother) have gotten better and despite our occasional issues, things have been better.

I realise now how lucky I am to be in the situation I’m in. I got to work in the morning and my minion (mother) has my food ready and packed for me and all I need to do is pick it up off the table, put it in my bag and go. I’m not talking small amounts of food like just a sandwich here…I’m talking significant amounts of food. Enough to last me from more than 12 hours…and all the food is of a high nutritional value.

Effectively, once I start with my circus training…I’ll be leaving the house at 0700 for work…only to return home at approximately 2200 each night due to the rescheduling of all my activities. My minion (parents) are still questioning me in regards to my desire to become involved in the circus arts. I took a risk and showed them a short amateurish video of myself on the aerial silks. I don’t think they fully understand…but I feel they’re being supportive.

I think a large part of it is how they’ve seen me go about doing it. I made it widely known (some time ago) that I wanted to learn aerial silks. I was laughed at (as I usually am). Despite that, I started learning how to do the aerial silks as best as I’ve been able to. I’ve since found a circus school that’s willing to accept me…and after telling my minion (parents) that I start (as of Monday)…I think they realise that it’s not just some flight of fancy…but something I’ve been serious about doing.

This weekend has pretty bad for me…and I mean that in terms of diet. I’ve been eating a fair bit of ‘naughty’ food and after some consideration and contemplation…I’m thinking of it as a ‘weekend off’. Almost the entire year, I’m strict training schedule and diet…and I guess once every six months I’m allowed to have a weekend off to be ‘naughty’. Yeah…that’s night. I’m a naughty boy. Well…I’m not naughty enough to start returning DVDs and library books late, walking through the office with an open lid on some recently microwaved food or even posting shirtless pictures of myself on my blog…but I’m still naughty.

I went out last night for dinner with The Live Wire and The Dancing Receptionist and a few others. Being at dinner with them…I guess I realised that even though I don’t get to see them all that often…we’re still really close friends. I don’t have to spend every spare moment with them…but we’re close all the same. In fact...I’d go so far as to say that I feel closer to them than some of the people that I see on a more regular basis because (as the night went on) I realised that they were all looking out for me…and that they always have been.

The Live Wire and The Dancing Receptionist will be playing a very important part in some key events that will be occurring in the near future. Events that will see me achieve something that I’ve contemplated for a very long time.

------------------------

In recent weeks…there’s been a number of events that have occurred that have made me question myself and the person I am…and in the last week, a single event has changed everything. It has made me question the person I want to be…and thought I was. It’s made me question the motives of the people around me and it disturbs me (as if I wasn’t disturbed enough already). I recently made a mistake. Something I regret doing…but in that same instance, I realise now that I had very little choice in what I was doing. I won’t try to negate any of the responsibility…but my choices were limited and I realise now that they were limited, doctored and manipulated…all without me realising it.

That, itself, has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with in all of this.

I, The Devil’s Advocate, didn’t see it coming. Or maybe I actually did…and I chose to ignore the signs. Maybe I didn’t even know what the signs were…until it was too late. How could I, The Devil’s Advocate, proclaim that I could read people and see their underlying intent when I’ve been so blind to the signs in front of me? How can I even do the job I’ve been hired to do when I can’t even see what’s going on around me? I’m supposed to be a specialist in that kind of thing…but I can’t even do something as simple as see what’s in front of me.

And the ground caved in between where we were standing.
And your voice was all I heard. That I get what I deserve.

I guess it’s different because I lost my ability to be objective. I lost my objectiveness when I allowed people to get too close and I failed to see the bigger picture. It’s true when they say that familiarity breeds complacency.

It’s something that should never have happened and it now makes me wonder about everything said and done before it. Was it all a strategically made move? Was it all planned down to the most intricate of details? Was I, The Devil’s Advocate, taken advantage of? Was everything that I was doing…was I really doing it because I CHOSE to do it? Or because I had had my choices limited and had been given an illusion of free will?

I can’t accept the fact that I, The Devil’s Advocate, was manipulated.

All without my realisation…until now.

I made my mistake and in hindsight…I realise that I’ve let things get out of control for far too long. I’ve become to invested in the wellbeing of others. Others who don’t necessarily deserve it yet I’ve felt obligated to do so.

I’ve never allowed anyone to watch my back…for the simple fact that whoever I allow to watch it…will inevitably be the one that stabs it. The recent event has given me the insight to see that for far too long I’ve been becoming too human.

The greatest human strengths of compassion and love are also the greatest weaknesses.

I’ve become too human…and too weak.

Not any more.

Armour up.

Devil's Winamp: Linkin Park - New Divide
Devil's Mood: Resolved / Focused / Driven / Cold

The Old Me Is Dead And Gone, Dead And Gone

2009-06-21T21:25:00.003+08:00

Devil went out last night...like Devil usually does...but things were not the same. Not anymore.

As I was driving back home from my night out in The Nightlife District (at the respectable yet grandfatherly time of: 23:30) I realised that I’m not the person I used to be. Being in the night clubs out there in The Nightlife District has lost all its appeal to me. The loud thumping music, the over priced (non alcoholic) drinks and the obnoxious / Neanderthal-esque bouncers...having to not only provide my licence to gain entry but a secondary form of ID as well.

More so recently, my Saturday nights (which have been clearly designated as my ‘off night’ for socialising) have been finishing earlier and earlier because I’ve been too tired to want to kick on late into the night / early hours of the morning.

Being out at the clubs last night…looking around at all the people there…while I was sober…I realised that it wasn’t my place anymore. There is nothing there for me at the clubs anymore. My life doesn’t exist there anymore and I guess having to be up at 06:00 that morning and spending almost 5 hours in a pool kind of tires me out a little bit.

I feel a little bit bad that I’m not able to keep up with the partying like I used to…but then in that same instance, I realise that I don’t need to. The people that go out and party it up every weekend…or even every night (well…maybe second night) are people that done have anything else in their life. The night clubs are ALL they have. This was a lesson learned when I still addicted to alcohol and partying it up every night. I didn’t have anything else in my life. The clubs were all I had. The people who drank there with me were all I had.

Now…I have a life in which I do things. A life where my time and energy is better spent trying to better myself. Trying to be better at the things I do in the hopes that I’ll (maybe) look better. Hopefully.

I didn’t realise how far I’ve come since those days of drinking and partying. I guess I’m a very different person to what I used to be. I wouldn’t say that I’m a better person…just a different person. Calling myself better would be a completely subjective thing and I’m sure there are many people that would think that I was a much nicer person when I was intoxicated.

[Side note: I was subject to another ‘review’ at work the other day. My manager told me that I “lacked tact” and that I “didn’t take to fools lightly”. What he meant was that I’m blunt and that if people are idiot fucktards…I’m usually the ones that will tell them that they are to their face. He never said that any of this was a bad thing…just ‘observations’.]

I’m still trying to find the purpose of my life and what the hell I’m supposed to achieve before my time is up…and I still don’t know what that is…but I do know that whatever it is…I won’t find it in a Night club.

At least I know that know.

Devil's Winamp: Justin Timberlake (Feat. Ti) - Dead And Gone
Devil's Mood: Old / Tired / Contemplative

Or Am I Standing Still? Beneath The Darkened Sky. Or Am I Standing Still? With The Scenery Flying By

2009-06-15T22:32:00.002+08:00

Devil has been watching things lately...as Devils usually do.

I've been watching the world around me and the people in it. The people I know.

I'm watching them improve. Progress. Advance. I'm watching them achieve things. Things I've always wanted to do. Things that I'd like to do. Things that I've dreamed of doing.

And here I am. After all this time. Still where I've always been. Watching. With nothing to show for.

I haven't progressed anywhere with my climbing. I'm still trying to climb the climbs I couldn't do before and everyone else seems to be advancing so fast.

I haven't progressed anywhere with my martial arts. I haven't learnt anything new for a long time and it's largely due to the fact that everyone else (namely my minion / brother) is so much better than I am.

I haven't progressed anywhere with my gymnastics. If anything...I've gone backwards even. Some of the most basic of movements, I can't seem to be able to accomplish. Even a backwards roll is proving difficult for me.

I haven't progressed anywhere with my dancing. My sense of rhythm is lacking and I have no sense of dance technique or style. Not that I ever thought I had any to begin with.

I haven't progressed anywhere with my gym. In fact almost everyone else who goes to the gym with me are improving in leaps and bounds. The amount of weight their increasing is amazing and the muscle mass that some of the guys at the gym are gaining makes me envious...and depressed.

I haven't progressed anywhere with my swimming. My own swimming ability is severely limited and I'm even more embarrassed and reluctant to swim without a rashie top on.

I haven't progressed anywhere with my pilates. There's been no progress with my pilates for the last 8 years.

I just feel like everything I do is a waste of time...time that I'm wasting until my dying days when I lay on my death bed wishing I had done something productive with my time and actually accomplished something.

I have nothing to show for anything that I do. I honestly don't know why I keep doing any of this or what it's supposed to achieve. After all these years, I still look like shit and I have nothing good to show for any of the things I do.

I don't understand why I'm wasting my time. Actually...that's a lie. I do understand why.

It's because I have nothing else in my life. It's because my life is so empty and pathetic and miserable that I've had to fill it with things that will distract me from reminding myself about how sad my existence really is.

I guess it does makes some sick sad sense after all.

Devil's Winamp: Jewel - Standing Still
Devil's Mood: Empty / Cold / Pathetic

Sucks To Be You. I know, I know . Sucks To Be You. I Know It's True. I'm A Bastard If It's True

2009-06-09T22:32:00.004+08:00

Devil just doesn't get it. Nothing seems to make sense to Him. People are idiots.

I don't really understand how people (and I'm referring to the majority of the human population here) are able to function so...pathetically. People are just idiots. Seriously.

In recent weeks I've noticed that, despite my perceived arrogance, people still continue to want to be around me and people still respect me. I'm blunt. I'm abrasive. I'm well aware that I am and you know what...I don't care.

I was recently told by someone: "When I first met you, I thought you were really arrogant. You just gave that first impression of arrogance when I saw you."

My response was: "Yeah...I get that a lot."

Although I was thinking: "You should have trusted your instincts in the first place, you dumb bitch."

If people want my opinion, I give it to them. Honestly. Bluntly. If people don't want my opinion, I give it to them anyway because they probably need to hear it even more then.

I don't understand how someone like me...with the attitude I have...could still have people around him WANTING to to spend time with him. Even at climbing or gymnastics or martial arts or whatever it is I'm doing...the people that I'm there with, are competing for my time...and this is AT the activity I'm doing. I'm there WITH them and they're STILL wanting to be around me.

I just don't get it.

I mean...it can't be because of the way I look. It's been established a long time ago by a variety of research studies that people as fat and as ugly as me, aren't popular. That's just how the world works. It's no one's fault and it comes down to natural selection. The ugly and fat ones get bred out. It's as simple as that.

It can't be because of my money because I fucking have none. I'm currently looking for other methods to save some more money and at the same time try to find a way to earn more.

It can't be because of my personality. Like I said before, I'm abrasive and arrogant and jaded and cynical and sarcastic and mean and cruel and...well, you get the point. My personality is flawed (oh...c'mon...like you're REALLY surprised by that) and a lot of the time, I'm a total bastard to people.

Yet they STILL want to be around me.

I guess everyone needs an asshole.

I can't say I don't have a purpose any more, now can I?

Devil's Winamp: Prozzak - Sucks To be You
Devil's Mood: Cynical / Jaded / Arrogant

'Cause Now It's Seems I've Forgotten My Purpose In This Life. Well All The Songs Have Been Erased. Guess I've Learned From My Mistakes

2009-05-26T22:36:00.004+08:00

It's been a while...

I honestly don't know what to write.

I've been working on my personal training assignments and I only have two more to go...but I don't know if I want to finish them. I don't have what it takes to be a personal trainer. I don't look like one that's for sure. I've never looked like one. I deluded myself into thinking that maybe if I became a personal trainer then I'd actually start to look like one. I guess that's not how the world works.

I used to think that if I joined the circus as an acrobat or as an aerial silks artist that I'd actually start to look like one. I guess that's not how things go for me. I used to think the same thing about swimming. Well...I don't look like a swimmer and I look even less like a swimming instructor.

My minion (fucktard) brother has once again ruined things for me and as repercussions...my minion (family) once again hate me. I can't compete with him. He's the perfect child and can do no wrong whilst everything I do (or try to do) just brings disappointment and shame. He'll always be better than me at anything he does. He'll always be better looking than me and everyone will like him because he's so perfect.

I wanted to do aerial silks because I thought that I'd be good at them. As it turns out, I'm not. My minion brother has been the first to point that out to me and anyone else he can tell. Fat pieces of shit shouldn't be climbing things like that. He invades everything I try to do...everything I've tried to have for myself...he's infected it and I have nothing I can call my own.

I try and workout in the gym every day for about an hour only to have nothing to show for it. It might seem like wasted time but it's the only way I can cause myself pain without anyone questioning me. My only motivation for going to the gym every day hate. Hate for myself and what I am and what I look like. At least when my muscles are burning and my eyes are stinging with sweat, I don't have to think about anything else.

I looked in the mirror after a shower tonight. I vomited a bit.

All things that I once found solace in no longer mean anything to me because I can no longer call them my own.

The things I used to want to achieve mean very little, if anything at all. I was deluded to think that I might have had one and that there was some grand plan of where I was supposed to fit into it all. I guess not.

I don't know what I'm doing any more. I feel as if I'm going through life without any direction. The dreams I used to have...the things I used to want to have in my life...I don't want them any more because they won't be something I can call my own.

I have no more dreams of my own.

I have no purpose.

Devil's Winamp: Green Day - Scattered
Devil's Mood: Empty

What's Your problem? What's Your Problem? I Don't Get What Your Problem Is

2009-05-12T21:59:00.004+08:00

Devil is really pissed off right now. His minion (brother) is a fucktard.

My fucktard minion (brother) is seriously pissing me off. Tonight at training , he was fucking pissing me off. Acting like an arrogant prick and telling me do the move faster and stronger is NOT going to make me understand how the move actually works or help me in any way.

My fucktard minion (brother) can watch how a move is done once and replicate it. I can't. I don't have that ability and my body is both retarded and ugly so I have both of those things to contend with, in addition to the fact that I learn things very differently to other people. I need to understand the components of each move, the purpose and the methodology behind it. If I don't have those basic components then I find it near impossible to learn.

Consider it a disability...but that's how my fucked up brain works and there's not much I can do about it other than hate myself even more than I already do (if that's at all possible).

I'd like to point out that he doesn't normally come to training during the week because he usually has "better things to do" which includes activities such as downloading television shows on his computer, watching television shows on his computer and talking to his interstate trans-gender mail order bride. Well...he USED to do all of that. Now he just downloads television shows on his computer and watches television shows on his computer.

His interstate trans-gender mail order bride dumped him. Apparently he ~~she~~ it found someone more interesting...but then a lamp post would have had more character (and would have ACTUALLY have been useful for something)...anyway...I digress.

The point of all this is that my minion (brother) is a fucktard.

In other news...I'm having (yet another) mental health day tomorrow.

I'm going to use to to do more of my personal training assignments. I want to finish them before I even consider joining up for the circus school. I don't even know if I'll be able do some of those circus classes given how fucked up and retarded my body is.

I could be a clown though. I could at least wear plenty of make up to cover my hideous face.

Devil's Winamp: The Zutons - You Can Do Anything
Devil's Mood: Pissed Off

Baby Go Crazy, Break The Rules. Oh Oh There You, Oh Oh There You Go

2009-05-05T17:38:00.003+08:00

Devil is scared.

Sometimes I scare myself...and I don't just mean when I look in the mirror unexpectedly.

I scare myself in the sense of what I do...and how I do it.

The things I wanted to do...I've thought about it...figured out a way to do it...and then did it.

The climbing, the dancing, the personal training, the swimming, whatever.

Most recently...I've been toying with the idea of learning aerial silks / circus skills. I've done my research and found a place (nearby) where I'm able to go and learn. I was invited to go and see them last night...and I did.

It'll cost me $220 per month to go...and it's 3 sessions per week. As expected...there are a few conflicting issues in my current activity schedule and yeah...it's becoming complicated and I'll probably have to shuffle a few things around (if I can)...and maybe even perhaps change my work hours. Maybe.

Trying to fit in the circus training amongst everything else is going to be pretty hectic...and it's bad enough my time is limited as it is...but I guess in that same instance, I've been thinking lately about what I want out of life.

I still don't know what I want out of life. I continue to question the meaning of my own existence...and I still don't have an answer. It was only the other day that I realised that I don't know how much time I have left...and how much longer my body will be capable of doing things like this. I don't know how much time Karma has allowed me to have.

I'm scared of being old in my apartment on my own...drinking myself into a pituful alcoholic stupor on cheap wine that I picked up from the corner deli...whilst listening to remixes of Celine Dion on a laptop that works intermittently...regretting the things I could have done with my youth.

Lately I've been thinking about how lucky I am to be able to do so much stuff and admittedly...I'm grateful for the fact that I can do stuff. I can climb things. I can swim. I can dance. I can jump. I can twist and turn and I can do a whole bunch of other crazy stuff. I want to do more...but I guess I'm realising that the body I have shouldn't be wasted.

It sickens me when I see people who have "let themselves go" for no reason other than laziness. Their attitude disgusts me as much as they do physically.

I often wonder how much I can add to my schedule before I break down but I seem to be coping fine so far. I still need to add classical ballet and yoga to my schedule somewhere too...not to mention that I still have the personal training assignments to complete as well!!

I'll add that to my to do list and get around to it when I have the time.

I've also started doing some HIIT at the gym and since I've started on XLR8 (which are fucking expensive) I've been blazing through my weights training and finishing it within 40 minutes...which leaves me with another 15 minutes for HIIT and another 5 - 10 minutes for stretching. I'm hoping that both the XLR8 and the HIIT will help me get rid of my disgusting body fat.

In other news, on the weekend I went to see X-Men: Origins - Wolverine. It was awesome and despite the various plot holes and gratuitous nude Hugh Jackman scenes, it makes me want to be a mutant when I grow up. [P.S: Ryan Reynolds makes me laugh...he's always the smart-ass.]

I also went to see Fired Up. It was hilarious and despite the sexual undertones of the movie, it makes me want to be a cheerleader when I grow up.

Anyway...that's the latest from Devil's world...for now.

Devil's Winamp: The Ian Carey Project - Baby Get Shaky
Devil's Mood: Content / Excited / Busy / Happy

Just Dance, Gonna Be Okay. Da-Doo-Doo-Doo. Just Dance, Spin That Record Babe Da-Doo-Doo-Doo. Just Dance

2009-04-28T17:44:00.004+08:00

So Devil has finally gained some normality after having an epic long weekend.

Seriously though...I really need a weekend to recover from the weekend.

Why? Well basically for 4 days and 4 nights I've been dancing. Dancing in a workshop (being taught by international dance teachers - one of which was Jack McFarland from Will & Grace - ok...maybe he wasn't but he sure looked and acted like him)...dancing socially...and just basically...dancing. It was like I was part of "So You Think You Can Dance"...but not.

I've met so many new people (who are slowing being added to my Facebook network) and despite my initial apprehensions about dancing...I have to admit, I really enjoy it.

Not only is it pretty good as a form of low impact cardio exercise...but it's also a great method of meeting new people. Over the last 4 days (and nights...that eventually became days) I've met some really awesome and inspiring people and my only real regret is that I didn't dance more.

Admittedly, the tempo of some of the music was beyond my capability but I'm hoping that eventually, one day, that I'll be able to dance to some of the really really REALLY fast tempo stuff. Oh...and I want to do aerials [Swing dance aerials involved one partner throwing the other one around in a whole bunch of weird and wonderful (and even dangerous) ways].

I'm completely exhausted from all the dancing and despite my average level of fitness, I initially thought I'd be ok with dealing with it all. Guess I was wrong. I have to say though...it's not the regular muscles that you'd use in the gym or any other type of 'sports' per se...but rather, the dancing uses the 'stabilising' postural muscles that are used to stand / walk.

I definitely want to dance more and I'm going to. I'm really looking forwards to the monthly social dancing events that are organised...and I can't wait to go and dance some more.

I need to get some proper dancing shoes. They're awesome!

Devil's Winamp: Lady Gaga - Just Dance
Devil's Mood: Tried / Happy / Content / Excited

We Only Sacrifice The Future. It's The Bitterness That Lasts

2009-04-25T01:32:00.003+08:00

Tonight...Devil had his eyes opened.

Tonight, I had invited The Matrix to come and join me at pilates.

He was late...and I was pissed.

When he arrived late...I was even more annoyed. Punctuality has always been one of my pet hates and yeah...I was not impressed...despite the fact that I knew that it wasn't his fault for being late and that he's usually always on time to things.

Regardless...I let my hate get the better of me and I held it against him when I shouldn't have.

After class, even after talking to The Matrix as to why he was late (and his reasoning was justified)...I still resented the fact that he was late.

Anyway...as we were about to drive off, one of the other pilates attendees (who also happens to be a fucking idiot) had a flat battery on his car so I had to help him out. The Matrix drove ahead to the rock climbing gym.

During the time that he drove off and I was helping someone else with their car...The Matrix had a car accident.

I can't describe the feeling of driving up to an intersection and getting caught up in the traffic...then seeing a familiar car...only it's half the size it's supposed to be.

I went cold...and it was as if my stomach dropped out from inside of me as if I was on one of those rides at an amusement park. It wasn't a pleasant feeling.

As I drove up closer I could see The Matrix standing on the footpath talking to another woman.

He was ok...and I was relieved. Very much so in fact.

It was then that I realised that I've spent ~~a large part~~ all of my life holding grudges and carrying my resentment...and I shouldn't. I realise now that life is too short for hate and even though it's been one of the few things that have fuelled me for so long...I'm not the same Devil I used to be.

I feel guilty for holding that resentment against him (even if it was only for a short period of time)...and then having Karma show me how easy it was for him to no longer exist...and I guess that applies to anyone and everyone that I know. That applies to me as well.

I'm going to try and life more of my life without regrets and grudges. I'm going to try and live my life as if every day were my last. In recent days (particularly since I've started learning aerial silks) I've been more and more intent on living life...and in all honesty, despite a few minor bumps along the way, I've actually felt like I've been happy with my life and (for once) I actually felt like I was living.

Only now...I need to live life...without holding grudges and being resentful of the people that have proven themselves to me time and time again. I need to stop hating the people that are close to me and have earned my loyalty.

They deserve better.

They deserve better from me.

Devil's Winamp: Mike and The Mechanics - The Living Years
Devil's Mood: Regretful / Guilty / Remorseful

I Know It's Not Much, But It's Okay. Keep On Moving Anyway

2009-04-19T20:03:00.007+08:00

Devil is too busy to write a full on blog right now. He's got too much to do.

Here’s a few points of interest about what’s been happening so far:

Things to do / Things I’ve done:

My personal training assignments. I still need to finish these assignments to become a qualified personal trainer. I’ve completed 15 of them and I have 15 more to go. They’re painstaking and time consuming and I’d like to think I’ve been progressing with them and trying to juggle them all with everything else I do is getting more and more difficult.
Take up juggling classes. Ironically. Yeah…I want to learn how to juggle and do poi but I just haven’t really had much time to practice. Maybe if I finished my personal training assignments I might actually have more time for stuff like that…AND I could take up actual lessons.
Take up yoga. I’ve noticed that my flexibility has significantly decreased in the last 6 months or so and I think part of that has been because of the amount of time that I’ve spent doing weights trying to get some muscle definition. As yet…I have nothing to show for any of it...other than a lack of flexibility. I’m hoping that yoga (once a week to start with) will counteract that. Hopefully.
Consider trying out for the swing dance performance team. My dance instructors seem to believe that I’d be suitable (and ready) to try out of the swing dance performance team. I still think I’m way too green for that right now but they seem to think that I’m ready (and capable). It’s an interesting prospect and admittedly, I’m kind of interested because of the fact that it will make me a better dancer. We’ll see how it goes after the annual swing dance marathon of social dancing and dance workshops that take place next week over the long weekend. It’ll be pretty much dancing all day and all night…so yeah…I have no doubt it will be interesting.
Do more HIIT. I’m hoping that this will be what gets rid of my disgusting body fat. If you don’t know what that means…don’t worry about it. You’re either too fat or too thin to care so it probably won’t affect you.

Work out a proper diet (and stick to it). Admittedly, doing HIIT can only do so much. Diet will also play a critical part in losing some of this disgusting body fat so I need to establish a strict diet and be able to stick to it. Admittely, I've been trying to but it doesn't have as much (of my own) research behind it as I would have liked.
Follow up with aerial silks training. In the last 48 hours I’ve sent out emails to a couple of people in relation to another place that does aerial silks. The group that runs this aerial silks place is very much performance based and as such, their physical demands (and therefore acceptance criteria) is going to be somewhat higher than some of the other places around. I’m still in the introductory / information collection stage and hopefully I’ll hear something back in the next couple of days. Obviously, if they accept me…I’m going to have to reschedule a lot of things…but I’ll deal with that later (if it happens).
Look into strip-tease / burlesque classes. No, not as in the literal / perverted kind of way where I’d be looking through the window, but actually participating IN the class...as a student. I recently had a chance to speak to The Traceour who informed me about some strip-tease / burlesque classes they have available...for boys...and I’m seriously considering taking them up...but only when I've managed to rid myself of this hideous body fat.
Research into what type of DSLR camera I want to buy. Currently I’m torn between the Canon and the Nikon and yeah...I need to do a bit more research into the type of camera I should get...particularly if it’s going to be costing me over $1000 for the camera body itself plus another $800 or so for a lens.

My social calendar is excruciatingly busy and on any given Saturday night, I’ll have two or three parties to go to. Yeah…I’ve gone from being booked every Saturday night with a single party to being booked every Saturday night with multiple parties. At the moment, I currently have every weekend booked until the late May and just last night…I was thinking how nice it would be to actually have a night in for once.

I’m not saying that I’d like that all the time…but maybe a ‘night off’ might be a nice idea. Actually...a 'day off' might be a better idea. That way I still get to do some of the things that I need to...AND I get paid for it. Yeah...I'll look into that...when I get the time at work.

I’ve got so much that I need to do and so much going on but I'm not going to be one of those people that complains that there's not enough hours in the day. Sure there might not be in reality...but when I'm not going to complain about it because that would just be wasting valuable time.

Devil's Winamp: Five - Keep On Movin'
Devil's Mood: Busy / Hectic / Content / Alive

I'm In Love With An Uptown Girl. You Know I've Seen Her In Her Uptown World

2009-04-13T22:04:00.003+08:00

Devil went out last night. Devil went out into the Nightlife district. Devil went to a party at a club.

Ok...so last night I went out to a birthday party for The Journalist. It was at one of the clubs that I don't mind...except last night was their "R&B themed" night...and I hate R&B music.

Anyway. I was a bit annoyed with the fact that I had to pay $10 entry into a place that I didn't really want to be but the point was just for me to make an appearance. After about an hour there I decided it wasn't worth my while to stick around any longer so I said my goodbyes to the relevant people and started heading towards the door.

Just as I was making my way to the door...I met the most amazing girl.

I've known her for some time now...and our worlds are almost identical...but different.

And it was last night that I realised how perfect she was...and how out of my league she was.

She does martial arts.

She dances.

She does gymnastics.

She climbs.

She does aerial silks.

She does yoga.

She's a physiotherapist.

She's amazingly beautiful and the way she looks...and the way she does her hair...GAH!!...she reminds me of Kristin Kreuk.

Because of the things that we do...we're known to each other...but have never actually done any of these things together. We have a lot of common friends...and we always seem to be "out of sync" with each other.

We speak on a social level and always try to make plans to see each other more often and 'catch up for coffee' but we both know that those are just words.

On the days that she climbs...I'm at martial arts training.

On the days that she dances...I'm at gymnastics.

On the days that she goes left...I go right.

On the days she does this...I do that.

She's as busy as I am and she's single.

She is so beyond anything that I could ever aspire to be and it would take me at least 5 lifetimes to even come close to being worthy of her attention.

*sigh*

Devil's Winamp: Westlife - Uptown Girl
Devil's Mood : Smitten / Awe-struck / Sad

Won’t You Heal Me, Please Heal Me. I Need Something Bad, Something To Call My Own

2009-04-10T18:12:00.002+08:00

Since Devil’s last blog…not much has been happening even though a considerable amount of time has passed.

Well…nothing other than the fact that I’ve become somewhat more focused on the aerial silks. Last night at gymnastics, I was speaking to my silks instructor and mentioned the fact that I’ve been having reoccurring dreams about the silks. Apparently it means that you can achieve what you dream. Whilst I was training on the silks she commented on how much I’ve improved and the proud smile on her face suggested to me that she was being sincere.

I managed to figure out how to do a wrist lock as well. I still need a bit of practice to do it smoothly but I was able to get it…which was then followed by a meathook (that actually LOOKED almost perfect). One of the other guys at gymnastics (who would usually be the first to comment if something looked like shit) actually told me that the stuff on the silks actually “looks impressive…but that’s probably because you’re spending about half your time every lesson on them”.

It’s true though. I’ve become less focused on the ‘tumbling’ aspects and spent almost ¾ of my time on the apparatus (including the pummel horse for hand balancing, the rings for arm strength and for learning basic hanging poses and the aerial silks.

Further to that, the Russian coach (who I recently found out was has competed at an Olympic level, coached at a Commonwealth Games level and used to be stuntman) has been making several encouraging comments and having trained with him for a fair while now…he doesn’t give them out unless you really deserve it. He’s highly critical but when he says that you’ve done something good…well, imagine a group of 5 or 6 year olds giggling at recess about when the teacher gave one of them a gold star on their homework. Now…imagine a group of 5 or 6 of 20-somthings doing the exact same thing when their gymnastics coach says that they’ve done something right.

For me…when the Russian coach (in his thick Russian accent) says “Wah. Yeah. You good man” when I was doing the meathook after figuring out how to do the wrist lock made me feel proud of the training that I had been doing. To even get some recognition or affirmation from the Russian coach meant that what I was doing was not only correct…but of a decent standard…and I guess I couldn’t help but feel a little bit proud of that.

One of the younger girls there was asking me if I was doing it for performances because she thought what I was doing looked really cool. I’m in no way ready for any type of public performance…but to have someone (even if they are just a kid) ask if you’re doing performances…that gave me hope that one day…maybe one day…I actually could perform on aerial silks.

Ironically, when I’m caught up and twisted in the silks do I actually feel any sense of freedom.

It is this hope that keeps me training. That turns off the pain when the silks are locked around my feet and legs. That keeps me at peace as the friction of the silks are burning underneath my arms. It is this hope that keeps me on the silks even though the build up of lactic acid makes my muscles want to explode…and it is this same hope that sets me free.

Even if it is for only a short time.

Devil's Winamp: Freak Kitchen - Heal Me

Devil's Mood: Hopeful / Sore / Inspired

Someday Soon You're Gonna Catch That Dream You've Been Chasing. Someday Soon They're Gonna Write Your Name In The Sky

2009-03-28T22:07:00.004+09:00

On Thursday night, the Russian gymnastics coach (finally) installed a pair of performance silks / tissu at the gym. I can't begin to describe how excited I was when I found out about it...the only trouble was that they weren't installed when I got there and he was waiting for me to get there to help him install them.

First...imagine a ladder that reaches the roof of a single storey building. Now...imagine the roof of the gym being two storeys in height. Ok...so I'm not a mathematician or an accountant or anything smart like that...but I noticed that there was a bit of a difference between the ladder and the roof and of course...getting the silks installed wasn't going to be easy.

Of course, in typical circus style, the ladder was balanced precaroiusly on a number of (unstable) blocks which 3 of us were holdinging on to in order to prevent it from falling...whilst the Russian coach climbed up it...and tied the silks to the rafters. My god that was scary...but only because I was standing directly under the ladder so if it had slipped, it would have ended up crushing me.

Anyway...the point of this blog is that there are FINALLY some silks / tissu at the gym and I can now train on, on a weekly basis. Thursday night was also the first night that my minion (brother) had ever seen me do anything on the silks because all my training had been done in secret. As usual, my minion (brother) was making smart-ass / derogotary comments as I was getting ready to give the silks a 'test run'. I guess he had to in-front of everyone else there at the gym.

To be honest...once I pulled myself up on the silks...I didn't see or hear anything or anyone. I was in another world. I can't explain how free it made me feel to me caught up in the silks and despite the burns and bruises that I was getting from it...I couldn't feel a thing. It was as if the only thing that existed in the world was me...suspended in space and time...manipulating the space, the silks, myself and the world around me as I saw fit.

It wasn't until I got back to The Underworld that I knew things weren't right. The seething hate that was coming from my minion (brother) was blatant and despite wanting to ask him several times on the drive back what he thought of my work on the aerial silks...I knew I couldn't and we drove home in silence. I'd like to believe that his attitude towards me that night was out of jealousy and I sometimes wish that things were different between us...but I can't change that.

I guess my happiness that night was slightly tained and had a somewhat bitter after taste but having been given the opportunity to work more on the silks...I can't let something like this (or anything for that matter) stand in my way.

That night I finally understood that destiny will always (eventually) find you...and that fate will always show you the path to get there.

I look forward to the day I can call myself an aerial silks artist and in a sick sad way...I look forward to an increased amount of hate from my minion (brother) because that's the only real indicator that I have to gauge my level of improvement and to confirm that I've actually done something better than he ever could.

Maybe one day...this will be something that I can be proud of.

Devil's Winamp: Natalie Bassingthwaighte - Someday Soon

Devil's Mood: Happy / Free / Focused

Hey, Hey, Good Lookin', Whatcha Got Cookin'?

2009-03-24T12:17:00.004+09:00

It’s like everyone around Devil is getting better at things. Better at climbing. Better at swimming. Better at poi. Better at gymnastics. Better at martial arts. Better physically. Better mentally. Better looking.

Better.

Better than me.

And in a less amount of time than me too.

I’ve been doing everything I’ve been doing and I don’t really have all that much to show for it. I spend an hour in the gym a day on top of all the other things I do…and I have nothing to show for it.

I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to be half as good.

Some people only need to walk past a gym to achieve the kind of physique that I’ve been trying so hard to get…and it depresses me.

Some people only need to buy a yoga mat to gain the flexibility and strength that I’ve been trying so hard to get…and it depresses me.

Some people only need to watch a Jackie Chan movie to get the martial arts proficiency that I’ve been trying so hard to get…and it depresses me.

I hate the fact that I can’t achieve some of the physical goals that everyone else seems to get so easily.

I hate the fact that I can’t do what I want my body to do even though I’ve been training for a long time.

I hate the fact that while everyone else gets better looking…and I still look like shit.

I hate the way I look and I hate that I can’t look better and I hate that everything I do to try and look better makes no difference because everyone else is already better than I am…and they just keep on getting better.

It makes me sad that I hate myself so much…but when I see everyone else around me looking good and getting better at things …and I still look ugly and my body looks even uglier…especially compared to everyone else.

(but not sad enough to stay home on a Saturday night and drink a $5 bottle of wine on my own).

Devil's Winamp: Jimmy Buffett - Hey Good Looking

Devil's Mood: Sad

I Just Dont Know What To Do With Myself, Dont Know Just What To Do With Myself

2009-03-20T22:04:00.004+09:00

Devil is feeling a bit...messed up right now. A bit messed up, confused and torn...and not in the "I had a great weekend" kind of way either.

There are times in everyone's life when they need to decide what path they want to take. Sometimes it's just a matter of closing your eyes, taking a jump...and hoping for the best. At other times it's a long process full of logic and calculation. At other times...well...times like this I suppose, I guess it's like how it was in The Watchmen.

Would you sacrifice 1 person to save 10 people? How about sacrificing 10 to save 100? How about a million to save a billion? I'm faced with the prospect of sacrificing the few for the many...except the few that would need sacrificing are not ones that I'm willing to give up...and as a result...I'm torn. When my personal life and my professional life collide and I'm caught in the middle of it all...I know what I've been trained to do...and I know what I want to do...and they're in direct opposition.

I know what I should do...and I know what I want to do.

I know what I've been trained to do...and I know what I want to do.

I know what the right thing is to do...and I know what I want to do.

My head is a bit messed up right now.

In other news, The Protege seems to be getting a bit out of control. I'm not talking about his climbing abilities but rather his temperament at the climbing gym. It's becoming somewhat...controlling and self-centred. Admittedly, I may have been controlling and self-centred at times...but not at the detriment to the remainder of the climbers.

I would have liked to have thought that he would have been the one that could keep the climbing community going. I guess I was wrong and now I'm beginning to see 3 distinct factions emerging within the climbing gym and I'm not particularly impressed with all of it. Perhaps it's his lack of maturity or his lack of leadership skills...but his self-serving attitude is wearing my patience thin.

On the other spectrum...another 3 climbers have got themselves some poi and have been practicing with them at the end of the climbing session as a warm down. Tonight I was standing back from everything and watching everyone practice...and I was thinking to myself "Did I really start this?" and I guess I have. Everyone seems to be having a great time and laughing with each other and just having fun while creating a greater sense of community amongst the climbers...and to have been a contributing factor to that...I guess it made me feel a little bit good. Like I had done something right for once.

Oh, and at gymnastics last night I finally managed to do a meathook. It's not as simple as it looks either.

Devil's Winamp: Dusty Springfield - I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself
Devil's Mood : Confused / Torn / Messed up

If Your Time To You Is Worth Savin, Then You Better Start Swimmin Or Youll Sink Like A Stone, For The Times They Are A-changin'

2009-03-15T21:08:00.004+09:00

Devil is happy today. Happy that He can do what He does…Happy with what He did today…and happy that He is alive.

Yesterday, after teaching my swimming classes, I went to have lunch with The Matrix and The Enigma and then to see The Watchman.

--------------------

Movie: The Watchman

Devil’s Awesomeness Rating: Pretty Awesome (7)

Verdict: I thought it was actually pretty good and although a little bit confusing at the beginning…I really liked it. It met all the necessary critera for a good movie: Buff super-heroes in tight fitting clothing. Check. A multi-national corporation trying to take over world. Check. A cornucopia of gadgets. Check. A dark underlying sub-text. Check. A fucking awesome super villain. Definite check on that one. Ok…without going into too much detail as to not spoil the movie for anyone reading this and still wanting to see the movie…the bad guy in this movie is awesome.

Having said that though…I quite liked all of the ‘super-heroes’ too. Not because they had any particular superpowers (in fact, only one of them actually HAS any super powers) but because all of the ‘super-heroes’ were damaged and flawed. Very much like the new versions of Batman, the main character(s) is/are more of an anti-hero and there’s a very fine line between them being the good guy and them being the bad guy…and you know what…I think that’s probably why I liked the movie so much.

--------------------

In the evening, both my minion (brother) and The Belayer were having their birthday parties. Both were at different pubs…on the same street…a few blocks away from each other. As a result, I was going backwards and forwards between the pubs because different people were at the pubs at a different time. One thing I did notice was that the people at my minion’s (brother’s) party didn’t stay long.

People came for about 10 minutes…gave their birthday wishes, stayed for a drink…then left because they had “other” engagements. In comparison, the people that The Belayer had invited were there for the entirety of the night. I guess my minion’s (brother’s) friends were just giving him the appropriate time / priority that he deserves. I showed up to his part as a token gesture because of the fact that (despite all the other shit), I’m still related to him. I don’t think that fact registered within him considering he was both drunk and ignoring me.

Meh.

I didn’t stay out late and I ended the night back with The Belayer and the rest of the climbers. At least the person that invited me to his party acknowledge me and I knew a large majority of the people there (because The Belayer introduced me to them). Anyway, I has back in The Underworld and in bed just after midnight but that’s only because the next day was going to be a big day for me.

Today…Devil managed to touch the elements.

This morning I went (back) to silks training. It’s been a long time since I was last there…and in all honesty, I’m so glad that I pursued this skill. I’m also extremely thankful and grateful to the woman who’s given me the opportunity to learn. She’s agreed to teach me (privately) for free on the condition that I audition for NICA later in the year…and I guess that’s both a valid and fair agreement. The only catch that exists in this agreement is that I have to learn the silks in secret…and due to a number of other external factors…I can understand why I need to learn them this way.

As a gift of appreciation, I gave my silks instructor the extra copy of the Drallion soundtrack that I had received when I went to watch Cirque in the Tapis Rouge. She was ecstatic about the soundtrack and had it playing during the (hour and a half) silks lesson that she was giving me. The silks instructor was pretty pleased that she was able to teach me ACTUAL silks skills as opposed to trying to do various exercises to gain the necessary strength in order to learn the silks skills. From what my instructor has told me and the skills she’s taught me, I apparently learnt 8 weeks worth of moves in 1 session.

Yes, that silks session was exhausting and even though I’m now tired, sore, burned, bruised, cut and scratched (all from the silks)…I have no regrets about it. Half way during the session I wanted to just give up because I was too tired…but I didn’t. I could have…but I won’t. I can’t believe that the thought even crossed my mind. It’s the decisions that people make at that point in time…when they think they can’t continue…that separates me from everyone else. It’s what separates me from the rest of the general population and without trying to sound arrogant when I say this (seriously)…it’s what makes me better than them…and it’s for that reason why I felt like I had earned my place to even watch Cirque…unlike the rest of the general population who can (apparently) do “all of that circus shit”.

At about midday, I went to teach martial arts (like I usually do). My methods of teaching have changed considerably and even I’ve started to notice that. My time teaching kids swimming has changed me and my teaching methods…which has since infused itself into my teaching kids martial arts. I was the only instructor (out of the normal three) who was teaching today so effectively had to teach 15 kids (of differing skill levels). Previously, these kids annoyed me and their incessant complaining and random storey telling annoyed me…but today, there wasn’t any of that kind of thing or maybe I’m a bit more tolerant of children. Anyway, the point is that they actually learnt a few things today and I actually felt somewhat fulfilled after the lesson.

Unfortunately for me however, due to clashing martial arts performance schedules, training for today was cancelled so I didn’t get to do very much training. On the other hand though, the cancelled training…freed up a considerable amount of time that I used to go climbing instead. When I got there, the place was pretty much dead so I climbed on my own for a bit. Then The Protégé arrived to kill time before he went to see The Watchman (side note: he thought it was a shit movie because it was so twisted and disturbing).

In the evening, I went to the pool with The Matrix (he needs some swimming lessons to correct his technique). Going to the pool…well…I had to go today. After the day I had today…it was only right that I got to touch all the elements…and I’m glad I did. Oh…and because I really needed to use the spa too. My arms are killing me from the silks!

My only regret (if I could call it that) was the cancellation of my martial arts training…but at the same time…if I were training, I wouldn’t have been able to climb…and it may have been a very different day…but it’s not really a regret I guess because I’m kinda glad today happened…and I’m glad that I’m alive to have lived it.

I wish I could save time...because I'm happy.

Devil's Winamp: Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-Changin'
Devil's Mood : Happy

Earth My Body. Water My Blood. Air My Breath. Fire My Spirit

2009-03-08T20:51:00.003+09:00

Last night Devil went out to watch Cirque Du Soleil: Drallion (again).

I went to watch Cirque for a second time with The Enigma last night and well...despite what people might say about watching it a second time...it was STILL as awesome as when I saw it the first time in the Tapis Rouge (despite the fact that I wasn't as close and didn't get to go into the VIP lounge so never got to see any fat angry lesbians).

The Enigma and I however DID see a (circus worthy) midget and a woman with no neck. Seriously...it looked like someone had sledgehammered her head and it was literally stuck to her shoulders. It looked so...weird...yet I couldn't help but stare (and want to take a photo with my phone).

I'm really glad I got to go and watch Drallion again for a second time because (as is the nature of a LIVE performance) it was different to when I had seen it the first time. The most significant difference was that instead of the aerial silks...there was an aerial straps routine...and it was AMAZING. While I was watching it...I felt like I was the only one there watching...and I felt like I wanted to cry...and then it click. I figured out why.

I realised why I was so drawn to the aerial silks and why I was so desperate to do it.

The essence or theme of Drallion is the elements of life. Fire. Earth. Water. Air...and that's when it clicked. That's what I had been missing...and that's why I had been so desperate to do the aerial silks. It's what I had been missing all this time. It's what I needed to achieve my balance.

My martial arts was my fire. It always has been. It's been the one thing that's been burning for me in the background. The intensity of the fire varies but it's always been there. Some times it's a burning inferno...other times it's just a warm ember...but the fire has ALWAYS been there...and it always will be.

Rock climbing has been my earth. The outdoor climbing especially has grounded me like nothing else ever has. The feel of the rocks...the energy that radiates from them...it's not something that can be put into words. The sense of peace that comes from being up on the rock...on your own...with nothing holding you on the rock other than your hands and feet, well...you don't have anyone else to rely on and all you have to believe in is yourself.

My recent addition of swimming provides the element of water. I love the water. What can I say. I don't know why I do laps of the pool over and over again. Maybe it's because I can't hear anything and all I can see is the black line that makes the lane in the pool (or maybe I just like wearing speedos)...regardless of the reason(s) why...I feel like I belong in the pool. Every couple of weeks I notice myself improving and I guess that was bound to happen seeing as I'm a swimming instructor.

The aerial silks...well...this element is the one thing that's been missing from my life...until now. I'm hoping that in the next month or so I can start learning the aerial silks / aerial straps on a regular basis. Watching the guy perform them at Cirque was so amazing and even though I can't do anything like that and I could only wish that I had the muscle mass and definition that he did...I hoped that maybe one day...in the future...if I trained hard enough at it...I would.

I'm a believer in Karma...and I believe that (in her own way) Karma has been guiding me to find this balance of elements in my life. There are other opportunities that I know of that might enable me to learn aerial silks more regularly / more often. I believe that that the freedom I felt the first time I did aerial silks was Karma's way of telling me that I had found what I had been missing...and, after all this time...I think I've finally found what I've been looking for.

At least I hope so. I'm hoping that the aerial silks will bring me the balance that I've been longing for...and maybe...one day...I'll get to perform the aerial silks...and maybe...one day...I might even look half has good as the guy that was doing the aerial silks / aerial straps.

Maybe.

I hope.

One day.

Maybe.

Devil's Winamp: Iii Opus - Elemental
Devil's Mood : Hopeful

I'd Like To Stay Here Just Like This It's Just A Momentary Bliss. That's All We Can Hope For That's Reason To Cope For

2009-03-04T21:14:00.004+09:00

Perhaps...after all these years...Devil can finally say...without a doubt...that He's content (and possibly even happy) about His life at the present time.

The recent long weekend has been and gone and like anyone else...I love long weekends. Not because I don't have to go to work (although that's part of it) but because I get to see everyone that's important to me in my life. Here's how my long weekend went.

----- Friday ----

On Friday after work I missed out on Pilates and climbing to go to a quiz night with Eddie, The Matrix and The Dentist. As it turns out...it was a Gay and Lesbian Quiz Night. Now...the questions weren't gay and lesbian oriented but rather that the funds raised would go to support gays (so they can buy more shiny metallic accessories) and lesbians (so they can buy more flannel and get shorter hair cuts) in the community. Honestly though, if I had a say in how the money was used for the greater good of the community, I would have recommended that the gays gave all the lesbians a make-over. Every gay and lesbian stereotype was there at that quiz night which was both concerning...yet facinating.

Devil (whispering to Eddie): "Pssst, check out that fat lesbian with the moustache over there."
Eddie (whispering back): "Which one??"

We didn't win any prizes at the quiz night and it was most certainly a change from my usual Friday nights. I admit that I did miss my climbing but I guess it's always good to mix things up a bit when there's an opportunity to do so.

----- Saturday -----

On Saturday afternoon (after all my usual swimming stuff), The Matrix and I went climbing (as compensation for missing out on Friday). By coincidence, The Belayer (who I haven't seen in almost 3 months!) was climbing there as well. He's been away working on site and as a result, he's not had the opportunity to climb (at all) and it was quite apparent. He's lost a LOT of his strength and he's gained some muscle without having the underlying strength to support himself (as a climber). Anyway...I did inform him about the climbing event that was being held and that he was invited.

Well...I kind of pleaded with him to come. There were a lot of "noob" climbers that were going to be there and I couldn't lead all of them at once in single file climbing around the waters edge. When he said he'd come I was definitely relieved.

On Saturday night my minion "twin" (brother) had his belated fancy dress birthday party (which I didn't know about) but as it turns out...I wasn't actually planning to go out anyway. As Karma would have it...it worked out ok because The Grey Wolf was there...and ended up getting drunk so I was able to use his Canon 5D Mark II...which was friggen AWESOME and I have to admit...I'm proud of the photos that I took. They actually turned out really good.

----- Sunday -----

On Sunday I did my usual Sunday / training day thing with The Crew but afterwards, I headed into The Nightlife District to meet up with The Stuntman. He had planned to have a dinner for about 6 people...but lately his friends have been somewhat 'flakey' and have started cancelling on him at the last minute. I however, being me, didn't have anything better to do on. Not that I'd cancel on anyone at the last minute.

----- Monday -----

Monday was the day of the climbing event that had been planned and organised by The Enigma. This event had been planned and organised for some time and ended up involving about 12 - 16 climbers. Initially, the weather looked like there was a chance of some bad weather but by the time we got to the river to climb, the weather was perfect (as expected it would be).

The climbing itself didn't go too badly with everyone (except myself and The Belayer) falling into the water. Well...that's of the climbers that actually ATTEMPTED to climb. There were a number of "noob" climbers that felt that because they had their own climbing shoes and had climbed in a climbing gym before that they'd be ready to try outdoor climbing. Well...some of them fucking wussed out and that pissed me off.

I mean...yes, there were climbers there that were scared and had never climbed outdoors before but the thing is...they at least TRIED. They put in the effort and TRIED. Sure they failed at it but at least they'll know what they need to do to improve. The "climbers" that didn't even try gave fucking excuses like "my leg is cramped" or "I've cut my finger". Honestly...give a more valid reason like: "I've lost my testicles". They REALLY pissed me off.

Anyway...after the climb, we walked back to The Enigma's house for a post-climbing BBQ which was followed by an epic fruit salad of awesomeness (which included bananas). Overall, the climbing and the BBQ went amazingly well and I'm pleased with the way it went. I have no doubt that the BBQ will have a positive effect of the dynamics of the climbing gym and in a way...I'm a little bit proud of the small part I played in setting it all up. It most certainly will be an annual event.

My only regret is that The Protege wasn't there because lately I've been feeling that he's become somewhat distant with me...but that's probably because I haven't really seen him for a while.

----------

With all that said and done everything else in my life is actually going ok. My minion (brother) and my minions (parents) are all preoccupied trying to deal with the banks and the home loan and the settlements and all that "grown up" / financial stuff.

My work isn't too bad at the moment because I've been working on a bit of a "log book" which is awesome. Basically, I have a list of all the things people have asked me to do (which isn't necessarily my job as a specialist researcher e.g: copy and paste from word into excel or take meeting minutes) and when ever someone comes in asking me to do something urgently, I simply tell them "Sure, which one of these 15 things would you like me to stop doing so I can do yours?"

It's good because you then have in-fighting amongst people who think their work is more important...and by the time they finish deciding what's more important, my day is over and it's time for me to go home. I won't put in any extra time either becuase I don't get any recognition for it and MY time is more valuable to me because of the simple fact that it's MINE.

I guess...what I'm trying to say is that things, in my life, are actually going pretty smoothly and I'm looking forward to a lot of things (which will be blogged about eventually). The first of which is the fact that I'm going to watch Cirque Du Soleil: Drallion (AGAIN!!!!) on Saturday night with The Enigma.

Devil's Winamp: 311 - Freeze Time
Devil's Mood : Content / Happy

Yes Time, Time, Time Is On My Side, Yes It Is

2009-02-25T17:40:00.004+09:00

It's been some time since Devil's last blog and admittedly, there's been a lot happening.

I think I need to mention here that my "fuck-head" minion (brother) just put a deposit on a house...that's 2 houses away (because my parents told him to). My minion (family) were expecting me to be all shitty because he was buying a house before I was but to be honest...I'm glad it's not me because my minion (parents) are now carrying on about other things like what furniture to get, what colours to paint the walls, what renovations need to be made and to top it all off my extended minions (aunties) have all got in on the act too and "advising" my minion (brother) of how he should use the available loan.

I remember thinking to myself as I walked out of The Underworld the other day with relief that I'm glad that it wasn't me that had bought the house. I'm actually GLAD that it's not me because (for once) my minion (parents) can do what the hell they like with the house that my "perfect" minion (brother) has just bought. Congratulations to him and I'm sure he'll be happy in "his" new home.

To be honest...I don't even know if I want to own my own place any more. A house and a debt really doesn't mean much to me. I mean...sure it'd be nice to have but at the end of it all...when you die...having a house to your name means nothing.

In terms of my own progress, most of what's been happening at the moment has been in relation to the martial arts group and the climbers.

With the martial arts group...now that I've taken over running the junior school, there's been a few changes. Actually, there's been a lot of changes. I never realised how much work actually goes into the whole "behind-the-scenes" of running a martial arts school. I've only got about 15 students and 2 other instructors to try and manage...but the amount of time required for me to just organise things is far more than I could have imagined.

I've not only got to keep track of all the student fees and class attendance but I've now got to come up with lesson plans, establish a more structured learning environment and on top of that I've also got to maintain good PR with the nearby primary school that provides us with the majority of students (which is easy when one of the senior teachers there is also a climber too).

In terms of climbing, there's another climbing event that's been organised (for this coming public holiday Monday) and it's turning out to be somewhat...interesting. The event initially started out as an afternoon climb down by the riverside and a post-climbing BBQ was shortly added to it. Now, the number of people that were initially supposed to come to this event were estimated to be about 6 - 10...where as the ACTUAL numbers that are expected could be about 25.

I can't help but feel that it's because I've had a hand in the organistion of this event, that the number of people wanting to come is so high. Again...the "behind-the-scenes" of this event has (for me) been pretty draining and the BBQ isn't even at my place! One of the other climbers who lives nearby kindly offered his place as the BBQ site (despite the fact that he didn't have a BBQ). Not that it mattered much becuase one of the other climbers who lives close said that he would bring his.

I'm curious to know how things would have turned out if I hadn't had any involvement in it at all. Oh well, I guess I'll never know. It's expected to be a great day though with the weather forcast showing some good weather and a number of the people that I've talked to are pretty excited about it.

I'm still stressing a little bit about it because of the limited number of experienced climbers that will be there and the significant number of climbers who have never been outdoors. It will definitely be interesting and I'm hoping that The Belayer (who's indicated that he's coming despite the fact that I haven't seen him in almost 3 months because of his ~~work~~ ~~girlfriend~~ other priorities.

Meanwhile, the swimming school has been trying to get more and more of my time. Apparently I'm a good teacher. Apparently.

I've been trying to find the time to go and look into the classical ballet classes but at the moment, I honestly don't have the time for it (yet) but I will. Work is no longer a priority for me so I have no problems with doing the minimum time required, going to the gym...then getting the fuck out of there which will enable me to do other things. Other more important and interesting things. As far as I'm concerned, my job is simply the means for me to make money to persue the things that are important to me.

To do this, I realise that I need to take better control of my time and in order to do so, I need to be more structured with my time...which is what I'm going to do.

Devil's Winamp: The Rolling Stones - Time Is On My Side
Devil's Mood : Tired / Busy

I Know You've Been Hurting But I've Been There Waiting To Be There For You And I'll Be There Just Helping You Out Whenever I Can

2009-02-16T17:34:00.006+09:00

Devil's life has officially changed.

On Saturday evening I headed into The Metropolis to the Grand Chapiteau to watch Cirque Du Soleil's: Drallion. Now...I'm not the kind of person that plays into all the hype because I'm usually disappointed because (1) my standards are too high or (2) everyone else's standards are too low or (3) a combination of both.

In the case of Cirque Du Soleil, my only advice is this: Believe the hype.

It was FUCKING AMAZING! I was so close to the stage I could fucking touch it! I could see the intricate detail of the costumes, I could hear the breathing of the performers. It was one of the most incredible life changing experiences I have ever had in my life!! I was so close, the aerial silk performers were right above me when they were swinging around the stage!! It was so fucking amazing!!!

The Tapis Rouge experience that The Matrix and The Dentist had given me was what I could only describe as...well...I honestly don't know a word that could even START to describe it. It was like...wow. In the Tapis Rouge VIP lounge I felt so...upper class! Well, that was until I saw a pair of fat angry lesbians who totally ruined that experience for me.

Fat angry lesbians with short bright pink hair should NOT be wearing low cut cleavage dresses and I don't know if they realise it...but the whole "bearded lady" freak show thing hasn't been done for decades (having said that though...if Cirque needed a bearded lady act these two lesbians would be good candidates...provided they took some anger management classes).

And on that note...my (otherwise) flawless night was tainted by a yappy loud-mouthed bitch who had had too much chapagne in the VIP lounge and her "fully-sick" sleazy overweight boyfriend with greasy hair. Apparently the boyfriend was "awesome at all that circus shit" and could do any of it. In all honesty...I don't believe the guy would even be capable of doing a chin-up...and if he could...there'd be some confusion as to which chin he'd actually have to "chin-up" to. Fuckers.

I don't want to sound like a bigot (well, not more so than usual) but even though The Matrix and The Dentist had given me my ticket as a gift...looking around at all the spectators...I actually felt that I had earned my seat there to watch. I felt like I had earned my place to be there and that I was so much better than the rest of the mentally challanged overweight spectator population.

Anyways...the Cirque experience was (for me) life changing. It wasn't until the second half of the show did I realise how it had actually changed my life. Essentially...I got my fire back. Watching the aerial silks rekindled a fire inside me that I thought had died a long time ago and after all this time...it's STILL what I want to do.

After the show was over and people were leaving...I walked up to the stage just so I could touch it...and as I did...above all the music that was playing, I heard a voice inside my head. It said to me "This isn't the last time you're going to touch this stage. One day, you'll be on it." Maybe my head was just making things up to try and make myself feel better...but for once in my life...I actually believed in myself.

So much so that I shed a tear.

As I walked away from the Grand Chapiteau I turned to look back and felt like my purpose in life had returned. I thought to myself "one day...this is going to be my home"...and you know what...I actually think it could happen.

I'm currently looking at taking up classical ballet classes (to compliment the aerial silks) and I start learning aerial silks again in about a fortnight.

Thank you to both The Matrix and The Dentist. Thank you both so much.

"Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there."

Devil's Winamp: Global Deejays - Everybody's Free (To Feel Good)
Devil's Mood : Peaceful / Calm / Focused

The 7 Things I Hate About You

2009-02-11T17:40:00.003+09:00

It's been a while since Devil's last blog...and that's because He's busy. For those of you that give a shit...here's a blog for you.

I figured I would only limit myself to 7 things that I hate about myself otherwise this would be an extremely long blog and no one reads this one as it is, so here goes (for my own sake).

1) I hate the way I look. I look like fucking shit. I've looked like fucking shit all my life and I thought that by trying to change my appearance in various ways, I wouldn't look so disgusting. Nice clothes and a haircut can only do so much but if you're as ugly as I am, you're beyond help. I mean, is it any wonder why I have such an aversion to cameras and mirrors.

2) I hate my body. It fucking disgusts me. If I happen to catch a glimpse in a mirror or reflection of a window it makes me want to projectile vomit. I thought that going to the gym would actually make my body look less fucking shit but as it turns out, I'm beyond help.

3) I hate my inability to connect with people on an emotional level. I feel uncomfortable in "emotional" situations and it's probably because I'm not human. Most humans experience the same gamut of emotions but because I'm not human, I don't experience this. At all...and sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on something, I just don't know what.

4) I hate my brain and what it thinks about. It just doesn't stop. I hate the fact that I can't just 'take a break' and relax. There is ALWAYS something on my mind and I sometimes wish that it would just stop...even for a few minutes. Sometimes I wish I could have that oblivion that I used to get when I drank. Sometimes I wish I could drink again...just to have that oblivion...even if it was for just a little while.

5) I hate the fact that I have no soul. The soul is what shines through when someone looks at you or takes your photo. If you don't have a soul, no matter how you look or what you do, you'll NEVER look good. Ever. It's the reason why whenever I go out anywhere, I'm invisible and no one notices me. That also probably has something to do with the fact that I look like shit.

6) I hate that I do so many things...and be shit at every single one of them. Maybe I'm doing too much. Maybe I'm not doing enough. Either way, I don't have anything to show for and I have nothing that I'm proud of.

7) I hate the fact that I'm too much of a coward to end my own hate-filled life before tomorrow. I hate tomorrow.

Devil's Winamp: Miley Cyrus - 7 Things
Devil's Mood : Hateful / Hated

Mistake Overturned, So I Called It A Lesson Learned

2009-02-02T14:51:00.004+09:00

Devil...in His time away at the annual boot camp has learned several important lessons about life. These lessons have been brought about by a number of events which, Devil is proud to say, that He's officially learnt from.

Event: I got bitten by a dog.
Lesson learned: Not all dogs are friendly. Even the little ones that can only open their mouth as wide as your finger...because they WILL somehow manage to bite your finger.

Event: I fell from the height equivalent to a single storey roof-top.
Lesson learned: Gravity is instantaneous.

Event: I fell from the height equivalent to a single storey roof-top (a second time).
Lesson learned: Gravity remains consistent.

Event: I fell from the height equivalent to a single storey roof-top (twice) and wasn't seriously injured.
Lesson learned: I don't break or injure easily. In all honesty...I should have broken bones when I fell but all that I ended up getting was a slightly sore ankle and a pretty sore ass (which is really no different from a night out in the Night Life district).

Event: The license plates on my car got stolen.
Lesson learned: It's more time efficient to go and see one government department in person and call another one on the mobile while you're waiting in line.

Event: The Annual Boot Camp.
Lesson learned: I miss my standard schedule. I miss the structure and the regimented nature of it all. The annual boot camp made me grateful for the lifestyle that I have and all the things I'm involved in. I have so much variety in my life and it's never boring. I guess that's probably what I missed the most, the variety of it all...but that's because I have a short attention span.

Event: The Annual Boot Camp.
Lesson learned: If you put your heart and soul into something...only good will come of it (when Karma is ready to give it).

With every passing year, I become more and more involved in the annual boot camp. This year I was involved in a lot of the preparation / planning / scheduling / organising aspects of the camp as well as actively participating in all the events. It's been both physically and mentally exhausting. It's been unpaid work that I've been doing and I guess I feel passionate for cause which is why I'm doing it. As much as it almost kills me every year...I feel as if I come out of it stronger, smarter and a little bit fitter (at least, I'd like to think so).

Devil's Winamp: Alicia Keys - Lesson Learned
Devil's Mood : Tired / Accomplished

I Feel The Adrenaline Moving Through My Veins. Spotlight On Me And I'm Ready To Break. I'm Like A Performer, The Dancefloor Is My Stage

2009-01-24T17:08:00.004+09:00

Devil is taking this opportunity to update everyone on what's currently happening. It'll be a short blog...but He doesn't have much time to sit down and write some deep and meaningful blog. Devil is currently away at the annual boot camp and because of his seniority he's had to have a greater involvement in the planning and scheduling of it all.

I've also taken over as the website administrator for the martial arts group webpage...which means that I now need to relearn HTML and other internet stuff...and here I was thinking that I wouldn't have to do any more programming after I finished uni! Bleh.

So yeah...don't expect a blog for the next week or so because I'll be pushing myself to my physical limits and exhausing myself to within a heartbeat of death.

It should be pretty awesome.

Devil's Winamp: Britney Spears - Circus
Devil's Mood : Excited

Life’s A Wonderful Thing As Long As I Hold The String

2009-01-17T23:09:00.004+09:00

Devil’s in His lair in The Underworld…and on a Saturday night too!!

What the hell is going on?

Well…read on.

After having a couple of shit weeks at work, this past week has seen me…”redeem” myself. I use the word “redeem” here in the sense that I not only made up for everything I did / didn’t do in the previous weeks…but I surpassed any expectation that any of the managers at the satellite office had for me. It wasn’t so much of a “redemption” per-se…but in the simplest of explanations to would be along the lines of:

Satellite Managers: “What the hell is your problem?! Is it too much to ask you for a hammer?!? We want to make a fucking hole in the wall!!!”

Devil: “Hammers are fucked. Here’s a wrecking ball...oh, by the way, the wrecking ball is filled with pressurised nuclear explosives so if the actual wrecking ball doesn’t make a hole big enough for you…the nuclear explosives inside it should. Now…you have a nice day.”

Satellite Managers: “Ah…um…ok…wow…thanks. This is probably going to make a bigger hole than we actually need though.”

Devil: “Not probably make a bigger hole. It will. That's the point.”

Satellite Managers: “Ok...but that's...”

Devil: “Do you want it or not?”

Satellite Managers: “Yes...but this is...”

Devil: “Then take it...and go...now: Have. A. Nice. Day."

So yes…I’ve managed to not only redeem myself this week (I even had to work 12 hour days…but I get paid overtime for that) and it’s all because of my specialist skills that they can’t do without. This past week…I’ve loved my job. I guess I always have loved my job deep down but there’s been times when I’ve hated it more than I could put into words because of the fact that I’ve been doing other shit that isn’t related to my job (like bull-shit trainee stuff like administration and accounting / book-keeping crap). In this past week though, I’ve felt like a superhero. I’ve changed people’s lives...I’ve saved the world…and all without anyone knowing that it was me.

It’s quite an amazing feeling. It’s like wearing a superhero mask. You can save a life but no one will ever know your real identity…and I guess in a way, that’s empowering. Well, at least for me it is.

In other news, in the last week or so I've noticed that The Protege has become somewhat 'protective' of me. Since the absence of The Belayer (due to his girlfriend), both The Protege and I have become a lot closer because (in a way) we've both lost a friend and in terms of climbing...we've only really got each other. The bond between myself and The Protege was quite apparent to me on Friday night when he set up a climb and I worked through it with him. It was slightly challenging for me but I could tell that he was trying to push his own limits (which is great for his own development).

Now...because he had created the climb, climbing etiquette suggests that I can't finish the climb until the person setting it has completed it. Even though I could have completed his climb...I didn't. I took a dive because I knew how much it meant for him to complete that climb first. It wasn't a big deal for me...but when I climbed it after him he was yelling encouragement to me. Now...in most circumstances, I get pretty shitty with people yelling encouragement at me only because I find it distracting. I realised that that fact that he was encouraging me (like The Belayer used to do) didn't distract me at all but instead...gave me a sense of calm.

I finished the climb and I think by letting him finish the climb first strengthened our bond even more.

Today I went to lunch with a few people. There were 10 in total…and I only knew 4 but as the lunch progressed we all started talking and became familiar with each other. During that lunch, I had several out-of-body experiences. Well, not so much out-of-body but it was as if I were looking at myself from a third perspective. I was talking to one of the guys sitting next to me…and then the guy next to him became involved in the conversation…shortly after that…as I continued to talk…I could hear the other conversations stop and everyone at the table was captivated by what I was saying.

For about 5 minutes, I held the attention of everyone at the table. I could feel everyone hanging on to every word that I was saying…listening for me to put in a witty remark or use a double entendre. Regardless of what the story / anecdote I was telling them…I was holding their attention and they were captivated by it. I (for once) wasn’t actually trying to seek attention…it just happened and the thing is…it felt so natural.

Today, I also bought a ~~pool-boy~~ pull-buoy and some swimming flippers too. The Grey Wolf’s proposition of doing a triathlon later in the year and has given me a bit more motivation to do what I do and to train harder. I'd like to get some jammers too...once I lose a bit of fat and put on a bit of muscle...and maybe look 100 times more attractive too.

So anyway...here I am…sitting on my bed…writing up this blog…on a Saturday night…and I’m watching Iron Chef!! It is so kitsch (as opposed to "fetch").

How awesome is that!!!

In all honesty, as weird as it sounds…I’m actually ENJOYING the fact that I’m not out at some party or dinner or some other social event.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I was actually at home on a Saturday night. It feels so weird but after the hectic week I’ve had and the a pretty awesome day…I don’t feel like I need to go out tonight to prove anything. I’m actually content with everything going on in my life at the moment and I know that a “night off” for me is EXTREMELY rare.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want me spending Saturday nights at home to become the standard weekend for me (although I doubt that could be possible) but I think a night off (maybe once every 6 months) might not be such a bad thing.

I’m actually feeling pretty good right now even though I am in my lair…but I think that might largely be in part because I got to see both The Matrix and The Dentist this evening too. That [especially] put me in a good mood tonight and made me smile.

Devil's Winamp: Michael Buble - I've Got The World On A String
Devil's Mood : Content / Pleased / Calm / Smiling

Words Are Very Unnecessary. They Can Only Do Harm. Enjoy The Silence

2009-01-11T21:22:00.003+09:00

It's been a fair while since Devil last posted his blog and during that time...there have been a number of events that have proven to be of interest however, due to time constraints, Devil will have to post the events in point form.

I 'acquired' a PT client at the gym at work. I was approached by one of the ladies who wanted me to design her an exercise program and so far...it's worked out really well. I still have to actually take her through the exercise program but she seems to like the cardio elements that I've planned out for her. It's unpaid work at the moment because I still haven't finished my assignments...but it's still good experience none-the-less.

I went to a carnival / circus / masquerade party on the weekend. There was a bouncy castle, fairy floss, a dance floor, a band, popcorn...and yeah...it was awesome. I didn't know anyone at the party (other than the host who had invited me) and I was tempted to leave about 30 minutes after I had arrived BUT...I did what I usually do and introduced myself to at least 5 people and as a result, I stuck it out for most of the night. I ended up metting a number of interesting new people that I've since networked with or may network with in the future and as everyone knows a large network is invaluable.

I seem to have noticed a common theme in these last few weeks too. Everyone (about 3 or 4 of the character profiles) around me seems to be having some sort of crisis / issue / catastrophe happen to them...and for some reason, they've turned to me to try and deal with it. I don't know if I'm the cause of it all because the common factor in it all seems to be me. I don't know why I'm the one that people want to turn to when things seem to be at their worst...but then perhaps they know that that kind of world is where Devil lives.

Add to that my own difficulties of trying to deal with my own failures (of which there have been many) and the added problem of the bosses of the satellite office recently reviewing my (limited) contribution to a very important project...it's made for an interesting week.

I feel as if everything I've touched...in the worlds of the people around me...I'm the cause of the problems and my attempts to fix things...it's like I'm doing more damage than I'm doing good. If I were actually helping...then why are there so many people having their lives fall apart around me? It's exhausting trying to hold things together for other people...when my own world is fragile at the best of times.

Devil's Winamp: Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence
Devil's Mood : Drained / Tired

And Then You’ll See, You’re Gonna Go Far. ‘Cause Everyone Knows Who You Are. So Live Your Life

2009-01-01T21:23:00.005+09:00

[2008]
Resolution 1: Get my own lair.
Status: FAILED

Again…circumstances such as the global economy have been out of my control (for the time being) and again…I wasn’t able to achieve this goal. Having said that though…I’ve been trying to find other ways to make more money (yes…all options have been considered / explored) and I now have several sources of income…all of which don’t impact on the other. For example…I still have my full time job at the satellite office…but I’ve also managed to find a way that allows me to make money during my lunch break…which isn’t much…but it’s something and it’s easy money so I’m not going to complain about it.

------------------------------

Resolution 2: Establish a budget (and stick to it).
Status: Completed

I’ve been saving as much money as I can and every purchase that I’ve made, I’ve been thinking if I actually really need to buy it…and this includes food as well. If I’m going out shopping for food, I ask myself if I actually NEED to buy it…or it it’s just something that I’d like to have. Admittedly it’s a lot easier for me to do when it comes to food because I’m looking at the energy content of everything in an attempt to keep my diet on track (but that’s another issue).

In terms of finances, as I already stated in the review of Resolution 1, I’ve found other methods of gaining money and I guess I need to explore these options a bit further next year and possibly look at other methods of gaining an income. I’m not going to specifically make it a goal / resolution for 2009 but I think it’s something that I should be doing anyway…and after a bit of thought and some reflection, I think maybe trying to live a more simplified life would help in a lot of other aspects of my life too…not just with the finances.

------------------------------

Resolution 3: Be more physically active.
Status: Complete

Well…I guess the fact that I completed the Gym Instructor and Personal Trainer courses made sure I completed this goal. Admittedly, I haven’t completed all the assignments for the Personal Trainer’s course but I’m now a fully qualified (and recently registered) gym instructor. I’ve been going to the gym 5 days a week (not that I have anything to show for it) and I’d had the opportunity to gain some practical experience within a gym and I’ve been approached several times while I’ve been in the gym for advice. My initial gym sessions of 30-45 minutes have now blown out to about 1 ½ hours in the gym, five days a week so I guess that means I’m more physically active.

On top of that, I ended up becoming a swimming instructor. I was actually planning on going for my Bronze Medallion qualification in 2008 but I ended up getting side-tracked and took up a World Aquatics Swimming Instructors course. Even though the Bronze Medallion qualification was a goal that I had set for myself…I don’t I’ve failed by not achieving it because the consolation of becoming a swimming teacher has been rewarding for me and it’s opened up a new network / world to me. At the moment I’m still attempting to establish myself with the personalities of the other swimming instructors but it seems that almost all of them are attractive in one way or other.

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Resolution 4: Produce a total of 0 research papers but still attend the national conference.
Status: Complete / Incomplete

Well…I didn’t produce and conference papers…but I didn’t attend the national conference either. I guess I got caught up in doing all the personal training stuff that the conference date just slipped by. On top of that…after doing a bit of a financial assessment on it all…I would have spent almost $2000 on getting to the conference, accommodation AND conference registration fees. All of that would have had to have been paid for out of my own pocket and without the support or recognition of SETEC so I figured that the costs to go wasn’t exactly justified. On top of that…the people that I met at the previous conference weren’t attending the conference this time around either. The prospect of seeing them all again would have been a major factor in my attendance at the conference but since they weren’t going to be there…I didn’t really see any need to attend so from a financial and social perspective…even though I failed…I still gained something from it.

------------------------------

Resolution 5: Socialise more (without alcohol)
Status: Complete

I don’t actually recall many Saturday nights when I’ve not had an invite for. Most of the time I’d start off the month with almost all the weekends free but by the end of the first or second week, I’d have them all booked (or even double or triple booked). To be honest, I’ve quite enjoyed the fact that I’m always out and about and even though I’m still going to pubs and clubs…I’m not drinking.

My successful completion of this goal has been because of the people that I’ve been socialising with. Their focus is not to get drunk but other things like climbing, martial arts, gymnastics, swimming. Whatever it may be…the people I’m socialising with don’t care that I’m not drinking and almost all the people that I socialise with now…I’ve met after I stopped drinking so don’t know any different and I’m actually thankful for that.

========================================

[2009]
So…In standard New Year’s tradition, here are my goals / resolutions for 2009. Well…they’re not actually goals or resolutions as such…but rather a few things that I want to improve on in my life. Areas in my life that as I’ve gone through the year…I’ve found are lacking and that I’ve not really focused on so instead…the following are areas of my life are areas that I’d like to improve on.

------------------------------

Resolution 1: Value.

There’s been many times when I’ve bought something that I thought I liked…like shoes, or clothes or something or other…and then never ended up wearing them or using them and instead hoping to save them for a special occasion. One of the things I learnt during the year is that every occasion is a special occasion and that I should be dressing as such. I should wear that special expensive cologne that I got given as a present. I should wear that designer shirt that bought. I should put on that underwear that I keep for “special occasions”.

The people that I socialise with are worthwhile…and treating every occasion with them like it’s a special occasion (and maybe some of them may even get to see the aforementioned underwear). Anyway…the point of the matter is that “time is a valuable thing, watch it fly by as the pendulum swings”. I need to now consider not only the ‘financial’ value of what I’m purchasing but the value of the purchase to me. Do I really need it? Is it something that I’m going to use and is it really worth while for me to have?

I have too much ‘junk’ as it is…and I don’t even really use it all. How many pairs of shoes or belts or underwear do I need to have? (Ok…so maybe I need a lot of pairs of underwear because I like to give my clients a ‘receipt’…so to speak). I had a red shirt that I really liked and I spent a bit more money on it than I should have to get it slightly tailored so that it looked like it fit me better. Then I ended up getting fat and the shirt looks like I stole it from the kid’s section of Kmart.

The important lesson there: Things change. People change. Time changes everything and you don’t know when your time will run out or what the future holds so value what you have while you have it.

------------------------------

Resolution 2: Focus.

I guess because of my A.D.D nature I’ve found it extremely difficult to concentrate on any one thing at any given time but what I want to (try and) do is to remain focused on whatever it is I’m doing. If I’m climbing…I want to be in the climbing frame of mind. If I’m swimming…then I want to be in the swimming frame of mind. If I’m at gymnastics…then I want to be in the gymnastics frame of mind. Admittedly, there have been times when my head has been permeated with a plethora of other thoughts that have hindered my ability to do anything or gain any proficiencies.

I need to decide (beforehand) what I want to achieve and where I want to place my focus. For a large majority of 2008 I spent too much time and energy trying to focus my attention on everything all at the same time. Well, I need to revaluate and rethink everything again and perhaps plan out what I want to achieve on a month by month / week by week basis instead. By this, I mean, instead of trying to improve on swimming, gymnastics, martial arts and weights in the same week…perhaps focusing on a particular activity for that week or month and trying to improve that way.

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Resolution 3: Prioritise

There’s been numerous times that I’ve had multiple bookings for parties or events on the same night and I’ve attempted to be fair in the time that I’ve spent at each event. I’ve attempted to spend time with the people that have asked me to do so because I felt that they actually valued my time.

As it turns out…they didn’t. In circumstances like that…I didn’t feel like I was valued and effectively that’s what I’m going to do in return. I will now prioritise my time according to the value that each individual has to me. For example…if The Protégé were to invite me to an event on the same night as say…Will, then The Protégé would be my priority and if I happen to be walking past where Will’s event were held…then I might stop and wave but that’s about it.

The priority that I give to each event will be dependant upon the priority that the person inviting me has given me throughout the year and my time that I give them will be for them to use as they please.

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Resolution 4: Lead

I want to be a better swimming instructor. I want to be a better martial arts instructor. I want to be a better leader to the climbing crew. I want the kids and the climbers to look up to me (and not because I’m taller than them) but because I want them to respect me because of my abilities, my knowledge and for being the person I am. I guess this is more to do with the climbers than anything else.

I want to be remembered when I’m not there. I want the (apparent) structure of the climbers to be clearer and I want to have more social / climbing events so that the morale of the climbers is maintained. In terms of the martial arts kids and the swimming kids…I want to be a better instructor / teacher. I want to have my classes more structured, more disciplined and above all…I want the kids to learn more. I know this largely out of my control…but if I was a better teacher / instructor…then they might learn a little bit more than they do now.

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Resolution 5: Loyalty, Integrity, Honesty and Pride

These aren’t exactly attributes that I’ve been known to have and they’re not exactly descriptive words that would instantly spring to mind in reference to me. Well…I’d like to change that…even a little bit.

This is something that I’ve been trying to figure out how to do for a fair while now. I want to live my life with loyalty. I want to be loyal to those who deserve it and also be sparing with those I give my loyalty to. I don't doubt my ability to be loyal because I've proven that time and time again. It's just the remainder that I need to work on.

In terms of integrity, I want to make my reasoning and decisions clear without any underlying motives. I want to be able to stand by the decisions that I make and know that the decision I’ve made has been the right one (to the best of my knowledge at the time). With honesty...if I made a wrong decision, I want to be able to admit it and correct it instead of trying to cover it up and hide it. I want to be able to admit that I made a mistake and not be ashamed by it.

In terms of pride…I don’t mean acting like a war veteran or wanting my own parade with floats and glitter. I’d like to have a little bit of pride about the person I am…what I do…and what I believe I should be. Maybe once this year I’d like to swim on my own without a rashie top and not feel embarrassed. Maybe once this year I’d like to go to the gym in a singlet and be able to look in the mirror and not want to vomit. Maybe once this year I’d like to go to the beach and not be wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt to avoid any embarrassment.

I’d like to stop hating myself…but when there’s so much to hate…it’s not really possible to have much pride for myself so I guess in that regard…I’d like to stop hating myself…even just a little bit…even for a little while.

Devil's Winamp: T.I Feat Rihanna - Live Your Life
Devil's Mood : Hopeful

Open My Eyes. Saltwater Rain

2008-12-28T18:37:00.004+09:00

The last few days have been a blur...not for any good or bad reason...but just because they've been busy.

I'm not going to blog every details and every event because too much time has lapsed and right now...I'm not feeling in the best of moods to share anything.

Last night I was given the opportunity to watch an episode of Naruto which is an anime series that, in a nutshell, is based on a guy who has a, what you could destroyer demon spirit inside him. It was about his story...and how he tried to cope with that and I guess it's got a theme of redemption to it.

I didn't think anything of it at the time...but I realise now that there was a lot in common. Over the last few days...I've had the opportunity to make people happy in one way or other...but it's only temporary...and they usually end up unhappier than if had never made them happy in the first place.

Sometimes I think that I'm helping...except I only end up making them worse for everyone around them. I end up destroying everyone and everything around me.

I don't know what to think about anything right now and my stomach is all tied up in knots. Even my hands are shaking and I feel like I want to cry...but then, Devil's don't cry.

Objectively assessing these psychosomatic indicators...I'm displaying classic symptoms of shock.

Things were so much easier when I didn't give a shit about anyone else.

Things were so much easier when I was on my own.

Things were so much easier when I didn't care.

I don't know when I became so human...but I know things have to change...or I risk losing what little I have.

Even so...I still choose to do what I do. I can't change the Devil I am. I will always save those that are worthy of my loyalty. Regardless of circumstances.

I carry the burden of the world on my shoulders every day because I have to. Someone has to. The burden of others...for the select few that have become worthy of my loyalty...I will carry their burden because I choose to. There is a difference and the difference is my willingness to accept the burden of those select few.

I accept my fate...my burden...like that of Atlas...and I do so with open arms.

Devil's Winamp: Chicane - Salt Water
Devil's Mood : Cold / Sick / Shaken / Supporting / Embracing

No Pain Inside, You’re Like Perfection. But How Do I Feel This Good Sober?

2008-12-22T21:45:00.004+09:00

So another year has lapsed on The Devil show (that's now 3 years in total) and it’s time for that special episode when we recap over everything that’s happened. How would we do this? Well…there’s only one way TO do such a thing.

And to show us a passage of time,
We’re gonna need a montage (montage)
Oh it takes a montage (montage)

As much as I hate to say this…I feel as if I’ve become more “human”. I’ve been learning to try and ‘exist’ and just be. It’s been a major shift in my own mentality and I’m still trying to adjust to that. The month of January was pretty much spent coming to terms with these fragments of Devilish humanity and there’s been moments when I’ve felt like I was actually human for a brief moment in time.

The majority of February was spent attempting to gain some balance with Karma and since then, things have been relatively stable. I think this was also largely in part because of me breaking / replacing my alcohol addiction. The month of March marked the one year anniversary of breaking my alcohol addiction and the inclusion of what has now been referred to as “Nando’s Night”. Now that I look back in hindsight on the events of that time…it feels like “Nando’s Night” is my ‘reflection’ night and Karma’s gift to me for making it through my days of alcohol addiction.

The month of April pretty much involved developments at the climbing gym and maintaining my Karmic balance which for some reason was interfering with my work at the satellite office. I guess my role within the climbing environment was somewhat solidified and my organisation of an inaugural climbers social night contributed towards that. Being a ‘leader’ is stressful, I won’t deny that and monitoring the morale and politics of the climbers is difficult work. That and the fact that the other climbers have expectations of you…and you’re climbing abilities (or lack there of) come under a lot more scrutiny and the climbing reputation that you have…takes a lot of work to maintain.

Show a lot of things happening at once,
Remind everyone of what’s going on (what’s going on?)
And with every shot you show a little improvement
To show it all would take too long
That’s called a montage (montage)
Oh we want a montage (montage)

May saw me starting the Gym Instructors course with The Dynamo and I’m glad that I got to do the course with him. The only issue that I really had with getting my Gym Instructors qualification was that I didn’t fit in with the rest of the class. Everyone there was (as you’d expect) extremely good looking, fit, muscular, toned, defined and could have just as easily walked into a modelling class as opposed to a Gym Instructors course. I was the only one that didn’t have those characteristics and for the entirety of the course…I was pretty much an outcast (just like high school).

I tried to change things and also started working out at the gym at the satellite office but as yet I don’t have any visible results to show for it. I’m still gross and I’m still ugly…but maybe possibly my strength has increased. Unfortunately, looking gross and ugly doesn’t really work to your advantage when you’re a gym instructor or a personal trainer.

In June I finished the gym instructors course, went to my first social dance event and had my first taste of learning aerial silks. It was then that I got the idea in my head about joining the circus and since then…I guess it’s been something at the back of my mind. Getting that taste of an aerial silks routine fuelled a fire inside me to join the circus and that’s probably when my altruistic desire to perform to make people happy started to emerge. I’m not happy about that realisation either.

And anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro,
You need a montage (montage)
Even Rocky had a montage (montage)

July saw Devil take a bit of a dive / flat-spin and it was mostly due to major changes in power at SETEC, The Centre and at the satellite office. The most significant thing for me that occurred in July was that The Dentist gave me a few Cirque Du Soleil soundtracks which I guess helped fuel the fires and allowed me to maintain my interest in trying to join the national circus school.

During August I spent a considerable amount of time with both The Matrix and The Dentist. It’s probably for that reason why I started become so “human” which is obviously an issue to my further devil development. Other than that…giving The Matrix his birthday present which involved me turning the rules that he established against himself. I still think it was clever that I did that.

In September I finished the Personal Training course and despite still not having finished the assignments (yet) I hated every second of that class. I didn’t fit in at all with them and it’s quite apparent when you’re the ugliest person in a classroom full of good looking, attractive people. September was also when things started to change at the climbing gym…and I’m talking personalities. The Belayer got himself a girlfriend and since then…things have been different. His climbing abilities have decreased…and well…his attention and focus has been diverted elsewhere. I’m not one to jump to conclusions (ok…so maybe I am) but I’d say that the time spent with his girlfriend is inversely proportional to his climbing abilities.

I got (yet) another job as a swimming instructor in October and did some work experience as a gym instructor. As it turns out…I enjoyed doing both but in retrospect, I’m glad I took the path of a swimming instructor. It pays about the same but I feel a greater sense of fulfilment from teaching the kids despite my considerable lack of patience. As it turns out my “disciplined” methods (no, I’m not talking about systematic spankings despite what ~~all my readers~~ a couple of sick readers may think…you know who you are) appeals to the parents because their child is actually doing they’ve paid for them to do…and as everyone knows…people part with money a lot easier when they’re happy.

November was the month that Karma finally gave me some closure. November was the month I went back to THAT club…and finally managed to slay a demon that’s been haunting me. For once…in a very long time…I felt a sense of both pride and relief in what I had done by slaying that demon that had been with me. It felt like I had finally released a burden from my shoulders…and in return…The Universe gave me a few more people that became worthy / about to become worthy of their own character profiles.

December…well…it’s still going and looking back over the year…I think things are only just beginning.

Always fade out in a montage,
If you fade out, it seems like more time
Has passed in a montage,
Montage.

Devil's Winamp: Pink - Sober
Devil's Mood : Reminiscent

In This Town There Is Much More Than A Circus Giving What They Look For. Unconsciously People Are Drawn To Things That Feel Strong

2008-12-21T18:57:00.003+09:00

In recent days...a number of things have become clearly apparent to Devil. A number of things that He never really took much notice of...but it would seem that a few things have occurred that have given him a new perspective.

With Christmas fast approaching (not that I give a shit) I've been given Christmas presents which isn't exactly something I'm used to. The Jailbait gave me a present...and so did a couple of the students that I teach martial arts to...as well as the swimming centre.

Admittedly, the presents weren't all that significant (unlike a certain Cirque Du Soleil ticket!!!) and consisted of (1) a small box of chocolate pretzels...1/2 kg of M&Ms...and 2 x movie tickets (respectively). This has been in addition to my secret santa presents from work where I got chalk balls (for climbing), some rope (for my weekends), and a Lynx pack (because I cycle to and from work and use the gym a lot and my locker has been smelling a little bit...um...'masculine').

Now...the fact that I actually GOT presents was something that I wasn't entirely understanding of...but the fact that people that I had been ~~extremely~~ kinda mean to over the course of the year were the ones that gave me the presents. Well except the swimming centre.

The other day at work, one of the low level administrative assistants / trainees who had been working in our office for the last 3 weeks commented on the fact that he would do anything to get a job like mine (and yes...the hypothetical concept of "anything" was discussed at some length. Shut up).

It was then I realised that I've had my perspective wrong to begin with. My job...as much as I hate it sometimes...is something HIGHLY sought after and as one of only 12 specialist researchers within the state...the opportunities for a job like that to come up are almost non-existient and hearing people talk about how 'prestegious' it is makes me think that I'm lucky to have the job...and I'm even luckier to be able to be an arrogant prick to people because of it.

That thought then flowed onto other thoughts. Thoughts about the things I've done...the things I'm doing...and the things I'm trying to do. The people around me are different now. They're not the same people I surrounded myself with before. I'm trying to be a better Devil. A Devil with integrity and depsite my tendancy to be arrogant towards people...they still seem to be drawn to me. Like a magnet.

The people I'm surrounded with now...they're desperate for my time. The Protege, The Matrix, The Raver, The Stuntman, The Crew, Eddie...even though I may not be improving on anything...people still want to be around me and I honestly don't understand why. They seem to be somewhat...addicted(?) to me and are wanting to spend more and more time with me...which isn't a bad thing...it's just the withdrawls and separation anxiety that I'm learning to deal with now.

It's quite ironic that after spending so long deaing with my own addiction / withdrawl issues...that I'm now responsible for creating them. I'm still learning how to deal with all of this and despite being a complete and utter asshole and acting like an arrogant prick...people seem more and more inclined to want to spend more time with me...and when they do...they can't seem to get enough.

And I don't understand why that is exactly. It can't be because of my looks, my personality or my money because I don't have any of those. It could be because of my Tapis Rouge Cirque ticket...but they won't be getting that. Ever!

Devil's Winamp: Cirque Du Soleil - Love Leaves Someone Behind
Devil's Mood : Curious / Unsure / Inquisitive / Cautious / Analytical

Take Away The Sensation Inside. Bitter Sweet Migraine In My Head. Its Like A Throbbing Toothache Of The Mind. I Can't Take This Feeling Anymore

2008-12-18T21:52:00.008+09:00

Devil is not in the best head space right now.

Tonight was the last for gymnastics and it was apparent that everyone had improved over the course of the year...except me...but that's to be expected.

I've spent almost the last year and a half trying to do the SAME fucking tricks and I still cant' do them. The Raver...The Stuntman...and especially The Jailbait...even my fuckhead minion (brother) are ALL improving and learning new tricks every week.

Me...I'm still stuck on the fucking basics. STILL. After almost a year and a half...STILL trying to do the most basic of drills whilst everyone else is jumping higher, spinning faster and doing more.

I thought I was progressing...but today's class proved that all the time I've spent TRYING to do things has effectively been worthless. I don't think anyone really realised how shit I was feeling because they were all celebrating doing their really awesome new tricks. I was on my own for most of the night because I wasn't good enough to have anything to celebrate.

On the drive home...all I could think about was how pathetic I was...and how pathetic I looked in front of everyone else STILL trying to do basic skills that they were able to do in half an hour.

I wanted to cry...but Devil's don't cry. Instead I just took it all and turned it into hate. Hate for myself. Hate for what I am...and hate for what I could never be.

Every light pole I drove past...I wondered to myself what it would be like to run into it at 80km/h...head on...but then I'm too much of a coward to find out.

Yet again.

Pathetic.

Right now...I'm hungry...but I don't feel like eating.

Or maybe I feel like eating...but I'm not hungry.

Either way...the thought of eating makes me sick to the stomach.

I just want some oblivion right now. More than anything else.

Devil's Winamp: Green Day - Give Me Novacaine
Devil's Mood : Pathetic / Disgusted / Sickened

Alegria. I See A Spark Of Life Shining. Alegria

2008-12-14T23:40:00.000+09:00

“When The Devil pulls the strings, all the world must dance.” – The Devil’s Circus (1926)

[Play me]

Saturday

In the morning, I work up at 0630, went to swimming at 0700 as usual then headed over to the other pool where I teach. I know I’ve said this in previous blogs but I really like teaching these kids. Their enthusiasm and effort continuously amazes me. Even though they might not (yet) be able to perform the skills that I’m teaching, they’re learning…their eagerness to try (and keep trying) inspires me…and in a way the teacher has become the student.

These kids, even though they may not be able to swim the best, they still try. They’re persistent little shits and any adult that would have tried to learn how to swim would have given up long ago. These kids…It is better to practice…learn…and try and even though they might swallow a lot of water along the way…they’re still giving it their best shot and every lesson…I’m seeing them improve. Their persistence and enthusiasm is inspiring and I guess…in a way…I’m learning from that.

I honestly love teaching these kids and as physically exhausting as it is…I actually quite like hearing about their stupid stories of how their cat was eating some cheese or how their brother was sitting on their face or that their teacher farted in class. I think teaching these kids has given me an appreciation for the simpler things in life. The things that you walk by…the things you wouldn’t give a second thought to…the things you’d never see. It’s these things that you need to look for. It’s these things that you need to seek out.

After the swimming lessons were over I went to The Matrix’s apartment to join him for a run, a brief personal training session and then went out for a bit of Christmas shopping. After the shopping I finally got to relax for a bit and play my PSP. I bought Gods of War a little while ago but I haven’t had a chance to play it but being at The Matrix’s place…I feel I’ve got a time-space anomaly where everything else outside doesn’t exist and time just stops.

When The Dentist finished work we went out and got our traditional Nando’s Night meals and watched Batman: The Dark Knight…except I’ve not increased my intake to a Nando’s wrap some chips…and a ¼ chicken. Yes I was hungry…and I don’t think I’d have too much difficulty finishing off a half chicken. Considering that I had had a full on physically active day…I don’t think that food intake was all that much. Oh…and I had a TINY bit of ice-cream too.

The Matrix also gave me a Christmas / Birthday / Whatever present that both himself and The Dentist had been planning for me. It was a ticket to Cirque Du Soleil. Drallion…in the Tapis Rouge. A front row seat…to watch Ciruqe Du Soleil. The best of the best of the world’s performers…and go backstage during intermission and meet the actual performers. The very people I’ve dreamed of being like. I. Was. Shocked.

I’m still shock now actually and I must have sat there on the couch staring at the ticket for at least 20 – 30 minutes. I can’t believe that they did that and went and got me something like that. Something so expensive…yet impractical. Something so amazing…yet so undeserved. I would never have dreamed that anyone would have given me a present like this. Something so…well…to be quite honest I was quite literally shaken by it all. It didn’t feel right for them to have given something so…extraordinary…to someone like me. I didn’t feel right about being given something so incredible but The Matrix insisted…and made me promise not to give the ticket away and that I would go to see it.

There is nothing that I could possibly offer them in return for this present except my loyalty and my life…but that can’t even compare to the enormity of what they’ve given me. I still can’t believe they got me a ticket to go and watch Cirque. I still feel like it’s all a dream. I left The Matrix’s apartment at about 2330. As much as I would have loved to have crashed the night because I was completely exhausted…I needed to wake up early to prepare for another big day.

Sunday

In the morning, I had the end of year show with the kids that I’ve been teaching martial arts. I never realised how much pressure was involved when you’re the one organising the performance. I’ve got a new appreciation for my martial arts instructor and the performances that he organises. It can’t be easy…and this show was small in comparison. It all went well (as if it wouldn’t) and afterwards I was invited out to lunch by a number of the important representatives that were there at the show. Because of my role as an instructor at the school, I was obligated to go…but then…I’m hardly going to turn down a free dim-sum lunch. Who in their right mind would?

After lunch I went to my own martial arts training (for a while) but finished early because I had to head off to Christmas party (the first of many apparently). The fist party was being held out in the hills, East of the metropolis by one of the girls that I had met when I first started swing dancing. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her (and the others) but it was good to catch up even for a little while at her pool party. I wasn’t able to stay long (and I didn’t swim) because I had to get to another Christmas party.

This Christmas party was being held at THAT club by my current dance school and after much deliberation, I decided to wear that red shirt made me feel fat, a pair of bright red jeans and my red converse shoes. Oh…and I was wearing a Santa hat too. I was trying to dress like Santa’s Helper…but considering where the party was being held…I looked more like Santa’s naughty Boy Toy who got to sit on his lap just for the hell of it.

Anyways…my outfit won me 2nd prize for best outfit for the night. One of the instructors said that I looked like a pixie and one of the other instructors said that the shirt looked hot. Maybe red is a good colour for me. On top of all the non-stop dancing…winning second prize was quite the highlight of the night for me. I didn’t really go to much effort to dress up…but everyone thought it was awesome so yay for me I guess. I ended up getting back to The Underworld at about 2300.

And so ends another massive, full on, jam packed, physically demanding, interesting, wild, surprising, fun, social and above all…interesting and educating weekends I’ve ever had…and I enjoyed every moment of it.

Alegria –
Language Origin: Spanish
Definition: a mood or state of mind. Joy / jubilation.

Even though I don’t know what the purpose of my life is…or if I even have one…at this point in time…after the weekend…I feel like I’m happy to be living life as it is…with or without a purpose.

And I still can’t believe they got me a ticket to go and watch Cirque.

Devil's Winamp: Cirque Du Soleil - Alegria
Devil's Mood : Alegria